Former Community – We Moved
🆕 Coached community here, for posts & feedback public community here.
Is it a power move when people use your name and/or address you by your name?
I believe it was Dale Carnegie who said people are in love with sound of their own name.
So I'm wondering why at times I feel irked when people use my name.
For example I'll get a text from a coworker that says something like "Lucio please call me . . . or
"Lucio I need you to . . ."
Or if someone is explaining something to me they might say something like "You see Lucio, the way it works is . . ."
To me it feels like a fake/forced attempt at warmth and familiarity at best -- or a condescending power move at worse, kind of like the school headmaster is reprimanding me for a mild transgression -- or something along those lines.
Why do people do that Lucio?
Do they think you don't know your own name, Lucio?
Lucio, do you feel warm and fuzzy when I use your name like this? Â Does it make you like me more when I use your name Lucio? Â Are you impressed with me for knowing and using your name Lucio?
To be sure, it depends at least partly on context. Â To cite an obvious example: A guy certainly wouldn't mind if a gorgeous supermodel said something to them like: "Lucio, you are the most amazing man I've ever met . . ."
So I certainly acknowledge that if someone uses your name, that doesn't automatically make them a dick.
But does it at times?
Lucio, I'd love to hear your thoughts.
And of course I'd love to hear the thoughts of all of the other forum members as well.
Hey SS,
Long time man, how have you been.
Yes, it can be an (annoying) power move, so the first thing I say is to please don't use me as an example to prove that something is annoying.
Try this exercise in empathy: would you like it if I shot you to prove that a gun is effective?
No, right?
So please let's not use each other as power moves' guinea pigs.
Also, for various reasons listed in the forum guidelines, we don't usually address individuals.
Now that cast aside, this is a great question.
You had a similar question some time ago, and it's here.
If anyone has anything to add on this I'll be happy to read and in the meanwhile I'll collect my thoughts on defining exactly when/how it's a power move.
As an eagle-like answer as possible.
Assertive, knowledgeable, fact-based, value-adding, not taking it personally, rapport-building, face-saving (as can be while confronting).
I’m starting to think that the eagle mindset is linked to the adult/parent part of us. Not off-topic. Food for thought.
SS: yes it feels condescending. Like a parent calling a child to remind them who’s in charge.
I made the same mistake of misunderstanding that the forum is a sandbox where you can test things out before using it in real life. At the end of the day it’s still people with feelings on the other side of the keyboard. You can ask the same question while making the receiver feel valued and respected.
I apologize for any annoyance or offense I caused with the way I presented this question that sincerely interests me.
I would be happy to edit it if I'm granted permission to do so.
I indeed I can ask the same question a better way.
SS: we’re all here to learn! :)
Quote from Social_Strategist#1 on April 30, 2022, 10:45 amI apologize for any annoyance or offense I caused with the way I presented this question that sincerely interests me.
I would be happy to edit it if I'm granted permission to do so.
I indeed I can ask the same question a better way.
All good, now we clarified :).
To go back to the main topic, this is not a super easy one to schematize.
if I had to list categories and situations that make it a power move -and why- I'd truly have to think it over and it would take some time -more like making a brand-new article on a brand-new and unexplored topic, rather than a forum post-.
Generally speaking, it's often a power move when it's "out of place".
Such as, any time it feels "weird" it should ring a bell.
But to give some categories:
- It's a power move when it's repeated as a way to vex people: as in your example
- It's a power move when it's used to add emotional distance: this is often the case when someone goes from nicknames or terms of endearment to names
- It's a power move when it's name + surname: as if to say "now no messing around, no friendly chit-chat, we're talking officially"
- It's a power move when it's in the third person and you're present: for example imagine someone is talking about you, while you're present, and they say "SS provided us with a good report, but what SS didn't mention there..."
- It's a power move when it has a "guru frame": like in your example when you said "you see, Lucio". The sub-communication there is "listen up, because I'm about to drop some gold nuggets on you that you have no idea of". The speaker self-frames as the expert, and Lucio is self-framed as the student who needs learn
