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Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?
This is a crucial question of power dynamics.
And it isn't nearly as theoretical as one might think.
At a higher level, this is a question about approaching life as a value-giver, or a value-taker:
- General leverage: Is it better to make people depend on you for their well-being (loss leverage), or to make them want to be with you for what they gain (gain leverage)
And the answer to this question applies to the strategies and general approach one takes to life and socialization.
Because that same question replicates across all realms of socialization:
- Dating: is it better to make people your partner dread your loss (triangulation, various nasty games), or to want them to be with you?
And:
- Socialization: is it better to make friends fear your loss as a friend, or to want them to be with you (fun, listening, uplifting, etc.) ?
And:
- Business leadership: is it better to make employees work out of fear (yelling, getting fired, poor recommendation letters, etc.), or out of gain (promotions, profit sharing, learning opportunities, etc.)
And:
- Leadership: is it better to make people dread ostracization from your group, or want them to be with your group?
As well as a general approach to personal development:
- Manipulation / reality: is it better to manipulate people effectively, or to turn yourself into a high-value individual people naturally want to be with?
So, what's the answer?
Obviously, it's not as simple as "be loved", or "be feared".
Even for an individual who seeks to be value-giving, fear also its place.
And of course, the two can also overlap.
The deep answer to that question is crucial to this website and general approach to life and socialization.
And it's an article that I've had brewing for a long time.
I've taken lots of notes and pasted into the draft of that article, which will eventually be published.
And in the meanwhile?
Well, in the meanwhile... If you guys have anything to share on this, please do :)
Michael Franzese answered this one in one of his interview: he says that Love is more powerful than Fear (I could not find it anymore, he was talking about "the Prince" from Machiavelli).
Rationale:
Fear is temporary: you comply as long as the person you fear is around. As soon as they are not around you do what you want. The most feared people in the Mafia all got killed. In leadership there is this saying: "Compliance does not equal Commitment".
Love is a powerful force: people run into buildings on fire for love. I see parents on a daily basis and I can tell that they can move mountains for their children. Most of the things I do everyday are out of love. To me, love is the most powerful force in the universe, without a doubt. The fact that you and I are alive is one of the many proofs of that.
I found this from the army magazine who has an opinion about it.
Before I go any further I should probably define the difference between commitment and compliance. Being committed means you willingly act for a higher purpose, something greater than yourself. Being compliant means you act based on the leader’s positional power. Let’s face it: in a low-threat environment, either one will work. The problem we run into is, by the nature of our profession we do not always live and work in a low-threat environment, and compliance will only get us so far. Commitment by the members of the organization is what will give us the advantage in a high-threat environment.
Much Love!
Funny you also noticed and remembered that line from Franzese, John :)
I saved that fragment and it also went into that article.
He makes a great point.
- Manipulation / reality: is it better to manipulate people effectively, or to turn yourself into a high-value individual people naturally want to be with?
Love can be a powerful weapon for manipulation.
Like what Mike Tyson's first wife did to him.
And what organisations do to their workers.
The military is an extreme case where generals get soldiers to die for a cause.
The love instilled in the soldiers could be overall value-adding though because some people were lost until they felt part of something upon joining the military.
Maybe this is what Franzese intends when quoting
You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar
Instilling Fear of Losing Love or Losing the Benefits of Collaborating with You
When in doubt, I would go for love first.
Generally, the relationships are better, and people go the extra mile.
Rather than tiptoeing around how to avoid losing something.
It's good to highlight indirectly what happens if a person doesn't collaborate with you in the future.
Not in a threatening way.
Highlighting the current benefits of collaborating which suggests what happens if you don't collaborate.
Leader: What a great team.
We have achieved so much.
Imagine if some of us have never met on the first day. (loss leverage)
We have plenty of opportunities to come. (gain leverage)
Quote from Matthew Whitewood on February 10, 2021, 6:17 am
- Manipulation / reality: is it better to manipulate people effectively, or to turn yourself into a high-value individual people naturally want to be with?
Love can be a powerful weapon for manipulation.
I'm don't think the question above is: "Is love a tool of manipulation?". I think it is about being genuinely loved. Yes anything can be used for manipulation, including love. I don't think that is the topic, though.
Leader: What a great team.
We have achieved so much.
Imagine if some of us have never met on the first day. (loss leverage)
We have plenty of opportunities to come. (gain leverage)
If you would say that to me, it would be a red flag. You might lose trust and respect from me with this kind of stuff.
Quote from Matthew Whitewood on February 10, 2021, 6:17 am
- Manipulation / reality: is it better to manipulate people effectively, or to turn yourself into a high-value individual people naturally want to be with?
Love can be a powerful weapon for manipulation.
I'm don't think the question above is: "Is love a tool of manipulation?". I think it is about being genuinely loved. Yes anything can be used for manipulation, including love. I don't think that is the topic, though.
I didn't have much to add on the points of being genuinely loved.
I wanted to expand on this point as some people craft a perception of themselves of being high-value so people will love them.
In this sense, this is to discuss whether manipulation is more dangerous when the manipulator uses fear or love.
So "is it better to be feared, or to be loved" from the manipulator's perspective.
That being said, I may be talking out of context like you said John.
Leader: What a great team.
We have achieved so much.
Imagine if some of us have never met on the first day. (loss leverage)
We have plenty of opportunities to come. (gain leverage)If you would say that to me, it would be a red flag. You might lose trust and respect from me with this kind of stuff.
This message would not be appropriate for our relationship or interactions and also not suit the context.
I would tweak the message depending on the context.
If I said that on my first day of work at a new office as a manager, that would have been inappropriate and it's a power move.
If we have worked together as a team for a period of time and everyone in the team has tangibly gained something, I could say something like this while tweaking it depending on the context.
More descriptive because the generic statement can come across as slimy and "guru-like".
