Quote from Matthew Whitewood on August 20, 2021, 3:23 pm

So, I let him know that I didn't want to hold him up and that we could schedule another phone chat over text. He let me know that he'd be free the following Tuesday (which was yesterday).

I was wondering how both of you agreed to the timing of the call.
Maybe it could have been the phrasing that led to miscommunication.

For example, if it was something like

You: Let's schedule to continue phone call

Him: I'm free the following Tuesday.

You: Cool let's speak then.

I can see how he may think there was no confirmation of a time and didn't block out his calendar.

If A Time Was Clearly Agreed

I do think there's no optimal way to enforce boundaries over here.
There's some element of personal preferences whether to go stronger.

I view the statement

That's not really very nice to say.

as a negative judge frame rather than a microaggression.
It's quite direct and strong.

If you felt it's not nice that he has forgotten about the call, then I think it's fair to say so.
He received it well which I treated as a good sign that he respects your boundaries.

Though I would say that it's vague as seen from this follow-up reply.
He wasn't sure why it wasn't nice.
But maybe your intention is to say that first and clarify later?

Over text, I prefer the exchange to be short to avoid any drawn out escalations or discussions.

I may say something like

Him: Sorry I was out, I got a call tonight actually, but I'm off the majoirty of this week.
Tomorrow same time work? Or Thursday whichever works best.

Me: Our scheduled calls are important to me. (expressing that the friendship is important and a priority to you)
I would prefer not to re-schedule them at the last minute. (express that it's inconvenient to you; it's not really fair that he scheduled another call over the agreed call without informing you in advance)
I prefer doing the call today but we could do tomorrow if you really need to take your other call tonight. (state your preference and let him reply)

if you feel it's important to express that these calls are personally important to you.

But one could go shorter by with only the last sentence:

Me: I prefer doing our scheduled call today but we could do tomorrow if you really need to take your other call tonight.

From this, he would probably understand that he's inconveniencing you a bit.
If he doesn't really get it, you can go into more detail when you speak with him on the phone.

Feel free to let me know whether I'm addressing the relevant portion of the interaction.

Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on August 20, 2021, 3:57 pm

A few quick notes:

No to the "appreciate a more respectful communication"

I have a feeling that if you had hit your friend with "I expect a more respectful communication" he wouldn't have even understood what was happening.

Way too strong.

Note: I sometimes start typing as I read a message, rather than reading the whole message. It gives me a feeling of "interactiveness".
And indeed J wasn't sure what you meant when you didn't specify it.
But good that you went for the softer version.

If you go back to PU to when I used that sentence, it was as a response to a very obvious and power-taking aggression (probably a red-level for the context of a professional / adult-to-adult conversation).

This was much more mundane, didn't require such a strong assertion.

Calibrate to The Power Move Intensity (yellow / orange / red) & Relationship, Not to The Feeling

Maybe you were hurt because you are close to him and emotionally involved.

That's normal.

But you still want to calibrate to the action (green / yellow / orange / red) and relationship (where you end up in the overall), not to your personal hurt or non-hurt.

There is another example in PU of a lady who said something about me being bald.

I said that I couldn't care less of sporting a hair-less head.
But I did react anyway because, in the situation, I had to protect my power and status (I was reacting with detachment to the power loss, not to the hurt)

J. was being "Yellow". Maybe even still "green"

I got a call tn [tonight] actually, but I’m off the majority of this week. Tomorrow same time work? Or Thursday

Albeit he put you off, there's several power-protecting and re-empowering elements there:

• Lots of availability in his calendar:
• Frank and open talk: if he really wanted to power-move, he'd have said "very busy", without saying "free the majority of this week". That's your cue he's not out to disempower and, if it happened, it's because he sincerely was busy
• A ready-made offer that made it easy for you to say "yes" with very little effort
• Yet another option for you: Thursday

Consider that a yellow in an overall good relationship is NOT the same as a yellow in an early or non-collaborative relationship.

We now have the conceptual framework to explain it: because there is plenty of previous social capital. You're not on a clean slate. You start high up. So even if a yellow move pulls your slightly down, you still end in the green in a collaborative relationship.

In The End, All Good

Quickly went through Matthew's reply.

I agree, if we had to put a label on it, it wasn't a micro-aggression.

It was a judge move.

Independently of the label, since it didn't specify anything, it might have come across as passive-aggressive to the receiver. As if you were trying to make him feel nad for... "For what?" the receiver would wonder.

Passive aggressive, but still strong, as the receiver is now put on the spot and forced to expend effort to understand, and to make amends if he wants to remain on good terms.

J. Seems A Cool Guy

Overall, I have to say this J. seems like a cool lad.

No ego investment and exaggerated pride -people with big egos would have escalated it and refuse to apologize-, not problems in owning up to his involuntary power move, happy to make amends.

One More Note

• Change "you still free tonight" to "are you still up for later"

And you can use that t confirm anything, from friends to dates to meetings.

It's much better, more power-protecting for you, and more persuasive.

---

For efficiency, I overly focused on the lessons to be learned here.

So it might come across as worst than it really is.

Otherwise, your thought process going through it was in the right place.
And we might argue that's the most important thing.

Was I clear enough, does it make sense?

Quote from Growfast on August 20, 2021, 4:00 pm

Me and Matthew are on the same page with respect to how the situation was to be handled.

I personally feel like the "it hurts my feelings a bit when you prioritize another call..... " Comes across as though you really need this call as in you consider his actions very impactful on your emotions(when he told that he couldn't call, you saying this comes across as a bit needy).

I personally used to do this but you never know if they other call is actually more important than yours (it could be someone he is in a deeper bond with). And when you make that statement the other person feels cornered.

Hence I only use the "I feel hurt when you prioritize another call..... " Only when I aam in a deep relationship with a person (as in a long term relationship or a long time friend who reciprocates the same connection)

Feel free to share your thoughts on this.

Quote from Matthew Whitewood on August 20, 2021, 4:52 pm

A shorter reply came to mind after reading Lucio's response:

Tomorrow's good though I prefer today.

Analysing "you still free tonight" to "are you still up for later" for my own practice

you still free tonight

This seems more permission seeking, gives less weight to the prior commitment due to the "free" slot and indirectly hints that he could fill the "free" slot.

are you still up for later

Implies there was an earlier commitment and asks if he's following through on the commitment.
It does sound more persuasive.

Quote from Ali Scarlett on August 20, 2021, 5:21 pm

Wow, thank you for all of the feedback, everyone!

Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on August 20, 2021, 3:57 pm

J. was being "Yellow". Maybe even still "green"

I got a call tn [tonight] actually, but I’m off the majority of this week. Tomorrow same time work? Or Thursday

Albeit he put you off, there's several power-protecting and re-empowering elements there:

• Lots of availability in his calendar:
• Frank and open talk: if he really wanted to power-move, he'd have said "very busy", without saying "free the majority of this week". That's your cue he's not out to disempower and, if it happened, it's because he sincerely was busy

Thanks, Lucio, it seems like you're saying that:

• In a more orange/red "I'm busy" covert power move, the power mover will emphasize the busyness
• In a more green/yellow "I'm busy" covert power move, the power mover will give alternatives they're available
• The more social capital there is in an "I'm busy" covert power move, the more "green" it will be

So, for example, if someone says:

A: "Sorry I missed our meeting, I was on another call (that was more important than yours), can we reschedule for tomorrow?"

Then:

• If there's social capital (i.e. you're starting high up): it's green/yellow (and can be let go)
• If there's no social capital (i.e. you're starting fresh): it's yellow/orange (and must be dealt with)

If I'm misunderstanding this, you can let me know.

Quote from Matthew Whitewood on August 20, 2021, 3:23 pm

If A Time Was Clearly Agreed

Me: I prefer doing our scheduled call today but we could do tomorrow if you really need to take your other call tonight.

From this, he would probably understand that he's inconveniencing you a bit.
If he doesn't really get it, you can go into more detail when you speak with him on the phone.

Feel free to let me know whether I'm addressing the relevant portion of the interaction.

Yes, absolutely, thanks Matthew!

It seems we all agree that assertiveness would've been too strong here. And, Lucio noted that my approach was passive-aggressive because it lacked directness.

So, instead of saying what one would "appreciate" (which would've been too assertive), maybe your advice to say what one would prefer would've been more effective here.

E.g.

Ali: "I'd prefer if we could keep our scheduled times, but it's all good, I understand. I'm up for Thursday."

And, I think that sounds much better than how I approached it.

Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on August 20, 2021, 3:57 pm

In The End, All Good

Quickly went through Matthew's reply.

I agree, if we had to put a label on it, it wasn't a micro-aggression.

It was a judge move.

Yea, I didn't think my judge frame was a micro-aggression.

I thought it was a micro-aggression technique (see "shame them with vulnerability").

That's why I titled this thread the way I did, but I can see how it might've been confusing. Maybe we can change it to something better.

Quote from Growfast on August 20, 2021, 4:00 pm

Me and Matthew are on the same page with respect to how the situation was to be handled.

I personally feel like the "it hurts my feelings a bit when you prioritize another call..... " Comes across as though you really need this call as in you consider his actions very impactful on your emotions(when he told that he couldn't call, you saying this comes across as a bit needy).

(...)

Feel free to share your thoughts on this.

Growfast, man, you're so right.

And, it felt needy when I used it, but I wanted to see if that "emotional vulnerability/judge frame" approach would be a good response here.

And, I couldn't agree more with you guys, this was definitely a learning opportunity for the future.

*Edit:

Fixing a communication mistake.

Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on August 20, 2021, 6:10 pm

Quote from Ali Scarlett on August 20, 2021, 5:21

Thanks, Lucio, it seems like you're saying that:

• In a more orange/red "I'm busy" covert power move, the power mover will emphasize the busyness
• In a more green/yellow "I'm busy" covert power move, the power mover will give alternatives they're available
• The more social capital there is in an "I'm busy" covert power move, the more "green" it will be

So, for example, if someone says:

A: "Sorry I missed our meeting, I was on another call (that was more important than yours), can we reschedule for tomorrow?"

Then:

• If there's social capital (i.e. you're starting high up): it's green/yellow (and can be let go)
• If there's no social capital (i.e. you're starting fresh): it's yellow/orange (and must be dealt with)

Am I understanding this right?

Yes.

Just keep in mind that we're dealing with a specific situation here.

If we had to make it more general:

• In a more green/yellow "I'm busy" covert power move, the power mover will give alternatives they're available

Giving alternative time is one way to re-empower and to show one's good intentions.

There are many more ways one can re-empower you back.

Profuse and/or sincere apology works the same way.

A voice message, which is higher effort, also works the same way -I always send a voice note and sometimes even a video message when I fucked something up because it's warmer, more personal, and far more re-empowering than a text-.

See example:

• The more social capital there is in an "I'm busy" covert power move, the more "green" it will be

Yes.

And that's true for any power-taking action.

The more social capital there is, the higher up you start, the more "space" there is to accept a value-taking power move without having to get up in arms.

See for example the discussions between Ben and Charlie that I'm using recently.

We analyzed several power-taking actions and counter-actions.

The two of them will still take action to defend and re-empower themselves.
But they're not overly nasty. There isn't anger, judging, or shaming.
And especially Ben, he's very assertive-direct and open.

And they're so close that if you ask any of them if all was good after each power move, they'd say "of course, we're great friends" (and P.S.: they'd probably say that even if they felt the power move was a bit too much, because they unconsciously know the win-win value of framing for collaboration).

Quote from Ali Scarlett on August 20, 2021, 5:21 pm

Yea, I didn't think my judge frame was a micro-aggression.

I thought it was a micro-aggression technique (see "shame them with vulnerability").

That's why I titled this thread the way I did, but I can see how it might've been confusing. Maybe we can change it to something better.

Hmm not sure we're fully on the same page here.

In that lesson it's listed not as a micro-aggression, but as a technique for dealing with micro-aggression, right?

In any case, behind the labels, what you did with the 2-texts combo was indeed shaming with vulnerability.
And it worked to a T.

The more fundamental question that we've raised and as I think you now realize is: was this situation serious enough to warrant a shaming judge? Or did this person and relationship call for a milder and/or more direct approach (ie.: without the shaming part, straight to the "I feel it's not cool that... ") ?

As usual, you know better.
From the texts outlined here, it might be that shaming was overkill.

Overall though, all good, he took it well and he seems like a cool guy.

Now it's you who's power-up though.
You did shame him to U-turn and hope on that call.

So next up, on that call, I'd take some initial steps back to take pressure off, give him some good vibes, and re-empower him:

You: hey man, just wanted to address that scheduling thing first. It's great talking to you and when we set a date, I cleared my schedule for it and was looking forward to it. So when you canceled, part of me felt it was not cool (or: "hurt"). But yeah, lemme say this: no pressure man, if something urgent comes up in the future and you just can't make an appointment, it's all good.

This is what I would say.
But I tend to be very pressure off / freedom-oriented, so you might want to tweak it for your style and expectations.
As long as you make him feel good about hopping on the call -rather than feel shamed/forced into it- and re-empower him to also be part of the scheduling, it's all good.

Edit:
Improving and adding details

Quote from Ali Scarlett on August 20, 2021, 6:58 pm

Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on August 20, 2021, 6:10 pm

Now it's you who's power-up though.
You did shame him to U-turn and hop on that call.

Actually, those are two different days.

He did hop on his call that night, and I responded to his message the next day. That following day is when I asked if he's free and we had our chat. (And, thanks for the note on changing that wording :).

I still think I'm power-up though since he apologized in reaction to my shaming judge.

Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on August 20, 2021, 6:10 pm

So next up, on that call, I'd take some initial steps back to take pressure off, give him some good vibes, and re-empower him:

You: hey man, just wanted to address that scheduling thing first. It's great talking to you and when we set a date, I cleared my schedule for it and was looking forward to it. So when you canceled, part of me felt it was not cool (or: "hurt"). But yeah, lemme say this: no pressure man, if something urgent comes up in the future and you just can't make an appointment, it's all good.

This is what I would say.
But I tend to be very pressure off / freedom-oriented, so you might want to tweak it for your style and expectations.
As long as you make him feel good about hopping on the call -rather than feel shamed/forced into it- and re-empower him to also be part of the scheduling, it's all good.

Yeah, it's been a while, but I think I'll still say this anyway. It seems like the right thing to do—I'm not happy with my approach after receiving the feedback in this thread and I know better now.

Thanks again, Lucio, and everyone as well.

Quote from Matthew Whitewood on August 20, 2021, 7:23 pm

I still think I'm power-up though since he apologized in reaction to my shaming judge.

Yeah, it's been a while, but I think I'll still say this anyway. It seems like the right thing to do—I'm not happy with my approach after receiving the feedback in this thread and I know better now.

This is not necessarily a bad thing if you are generally a value-adding, high-quality person.

I think we can view the discussion here as optimising the interaction.

The great thing about stable, collaborative relationships is that one needs to "worry" less.

From my limited perspective here, if the relationship is going well, I think one can put this behind since it's been a while.

So, instead of saying what one would "appreciate" (which would've been too assertive), maybe your advice to say what one would prefer would've been more effective here.

It's more about the subtext in my opinion.
Though I do see "appreciate" as a stronger word than "prefer".

I think there are several levels here from most dominant to less dominant:

• Don't ever speak to me like that again - draw an ultimate boundary
• Speak to me respectfully - ordering him to be more respectful
• I appreciate a more respectful tone - indirectly ordering him to be more respectful
• That's not very nice - tells him you disapprove of his behaviour but lets him draw his own conclusion and decide on his behaviour
• I'd prefer if we could keep our scheduled times, but it's all good, I understand. I'm up for Thursday.
  This doesn't talk about his behaviour directly.
  It focuses more on your preferred outcome.
  He may indeed infer that his behaviour is inconveniencing or disempowering you.