Is it socially savvy to pretend to fall for your superiors attempts to scare you?
Last month I had an internship at a school as a history teacher, and as part of the internship I was going to be evaluated by a teacher from my University. And on the day he was supposed to arrive one of the teachers at the internship (I'll call him Mark) tried to scare me as a joke. I didn't fall for it, and while he seemed to enjoy it anyway, I'm wondering now if it was rapport breaking not to humor him by pretending to fall for it.
This was the interaction:
Mark: "What's the name of the teacher that is coming to examine you?"
Me: "His name is X"
Mark: "Oh yeah, he was here last year as well. He is very strict, it's either his way or the highway"
Me: "Hmm"
Mark: "Yeah I don't want to use the term 'fascist' but..."
Me: "Right"
During my replies I kept a somewhat stoic facial expression (which is natural to me) and showed that I wasn't affected by his joke. Afterwards he started laughing and told me he was joking, to which I smiled and replied that I had guessed as much.
I probably came off looking higher power than him, but in hindsight I feel as if it was an unnecessary one up by me. Since I was just an intern and he was an actual teacher I think it would have been smarter for me to pretend to be at least a bit worried. For example:
Mark: "What's the name of the teacher that is coming to examine you?"
Me: "His name is X"
Mark: "Oh yeah, he was here last year as well. He is very strict, it's either his way or the highway"
Me: "Wait what?"
Mark: "Yeah I don't want to use the term 'fascist' but..."
Me: "Oh shit. I hope he doesn't ... wait a minute, you're just joking with me aren't you"
Here I would let him have his fun and show I'm a good sport. By then "realizing" mid sentence that he was joking I also avoid coming off as too gullible.
I think this applies mostly to jokes by your superiors, but it could also be a good way to preserve rapport with friends. I haven't tried it out myself though so I could be wrong.
If anybody has any thoughts on this I'm happy to read.
Hey Mats G
I think that, if you pretend to fall - or nearly fall - for a joke, he'll have some laugh at your expense, but you might get slotted in a "gullible" category anyway, which is not ideal.
Overall I think it depends on his tone. If Mark delivered his joke in a rather serious tone, I think your answer was great. It does look like he was deriving his amusement from the fact that you might be actually scared. After that you might look for other opportunities of creating/maintaining rapport and showing that you appreciate him as a supervisor, not necessarily right away. If the smile you gave him after that exchange was rather warm, I think it was enough.
If his delivery was rather playful, I think it's indeed a good idea to play along for maintaining rapport - If it suits your personality -, as long as you make it equally obvious, in a slightly exaggerated way, that you are just pretending to be afraid of "Mr. Hilter" (Monty Python lol). But I wouldn't pretend to realize mid sentence it was just a joke and you fell for it (or else the "gullible" effect still applies), better to pretend that Mr. Hilter is a real person and exchange a sentence or two about that.
Happy to hear your take on this. Cheers!
Thank you for the answer Kavalier!
After reading your reply and thinking some more about it I agree that pretending to fall for the joke is not ideal. Now I also see problems with my suggested approach since it gives him an opportunity to thread-expand on me being gullible or social climb. If he's a high-quality guy he won't, but it's still a bad idea to give someone the opportunity if there's nothing for me to gain.
Quote from Kavalier on December 23, 2022, 6:18 pmAfter that you might look for other opportunities of creating/maintaining rapport and showing that you appreciate him as a supervisor, not necessarily right away. If the smile you gave him after that exchange was rather warm, I think it was enough.
I think this is a much better approach than the one I suggested. This way I avoid disempowering myself, and I can re-empower him if he feels like I one-upped him.
Hi Mats
The question of whether your response to the teacher was sufficient or not, according to me depends on two things,
a) Will you have to interact with him in the foreseeable future?
b) How much power/influence does he have on your evaluation?
If the answer to the two questions, is yes and lots, it would have been safer to pretend ( you might across as gullible, which you can turn around quite easily, also by appearing gullible, you can get a better read on how he treats you) and if the answers are no, no power/influence, your response was great, if the answer is neither of the above two, I would err on the side of caution.
Cheers
Thank you for the response Maverick!
Yes as always context is king, and I like the questions you pose. I'll bring those with me for future interactions.
In this case he didn't hold any power or influence over my evaluation but I did see him every day. And while he didn't hold direct power over me he was still higher up in the workplace hierarchy than me, so I thought I'd benefit more from upping my warmth rather than my power.
It felt to me as if Mark made his joke as an attempt to create a more friendly relationship with me, which is why I felt that my response made me come off as too serious/boring.
Still, I agree with you that my initial answer was fine, and by laughing with him at the end I believe it built back some of the (potentially) lost rapport.
Hey Mats,
Fantastic replies here already, not much to add really at this point.
Yes, as Maverick says, whether and how much your interactions "matter" depends a lot on future interactions and their power.
That's the strategic approach to maximize returns.
Just to be sure of course, I'd add that you often still want to behave at your best since it often costs the same anyway. It's good both for learning, because that way you can be sure that you're "good" with everyone -you never know who can show up again in your life or who is going to advance faster than expected :)-.
Plus, as well, it's also just good for the world to maintain a stable approach that is both strategic and respectful.
And as Kavalier says, falling for it may slot you into the "gullible" one and you don't want that.
Personally, I'd have approached it like this:
You: ahaha, yeah good one
Basically:
- Laugh along
- While you do NOT believe him
Best of both worlds: you play along, while also displaying you know what's up.
That way, you also joke with him as an equal.
Or another option:
You: really?
Him: yeah...
You: (smiling) ah come on man, you joking!
Him: nono, he...
You: (laughing) ahaha yeah, and he spanks bad interns, doesn't he
(eventually):
Him: ehehe yeah, just joking
You: ehehe good good, you were getting me worried (but without showing ANY worry)
Thank you for the reply Lucio!
Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on December 26, 2022, 6:36 amYes, as Maverick says, whether and how much your interactions "matter" depends a lot on future interactions and their power.
That's the strategic approach to maximize returns.
Just to be sure of course, I'd add that you often still want to behave at your best since it often costs the same anyway. It's good both for learning, because that way you can be sure that you're "good" with everyone -you never know who can show up again in your life or who is going to advance faster than expected :)-.
Plus, as well, it's also just good for the world to maintain a stable approach that is both strategic and respectful.
I definitely agree with this. While being strategic will give great results it's also quite an investment to constantly walk around scheming. Defaulting to being straight and behaving the best you can will be a lot easier and still give you great results, and then you can still choose to be more strategic in specific situations.
Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on December 26, 2022, 6:36 amPersonally, I'd have approached it like this:
You: ahaha, yeah good one
Basically:
- Laugh along
- While you do NOT believe him
Best of both worlds: you play along, while also displaying you know what's up.
That way, you also joke with him as an equal.Or another option:
You: really?
Him: yeah...
You: (smiling) ah come on man, you joking!
Him: nono, he...
You: (laughing) ahaha yeah, and he spanks bad interns, doesn't he
(eventually):
Him: ehehe yeah, just joking
You: ehehe good good, you were getting me worried (but without showing ANY worry)
Both of these are much better than what I originally proposed. I especially like the first one because it's low investment and also high power and high warmth.
Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on December 26, 2022, 6:36 amJust to be sure of course, I'd add that you often still want to behave at your best since it often costs the same anyway. It's good both for learning, because that way you can be sure that you're "good" with everyone -you never know who can show up again in your life or who is going to advance faster than expected :)-.
Plus, as well, it's also just good for the world to maintain a stable approach that is both strategic and respectful.
Agreed with Lucio here,This aligns with Lucio's principle of not making enemies deliberately as much as possible
Being on the best behavior irrespective of whether they hold influence/ power to affect us or whether we run into them again or not ensures we do not leave a bad precedent with people we meet.