Former Community – We Moved
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Is quoting a private conversation with a forum member a power move?
Hello TPM community,
I was going to post this question in "Feedbacks and Clarifications" but that could potentially be a power move regarding the timing, so I make it a post that also could be found later.
As you guys know we exchanged contacts with a forum member here and we talk from now and then.
I was going to write in another post about women: "We talked about it with X, we actually agreed on that ...".
So for me it's about quoting the context and it happens to be with a forum member.
However, is that a power move?
I'll do self-analysis: in a way it is for 3 reasons:
- I did not ask him for his permission if he was ok to reveal that we talked and what we talked about in private (even if these are not secrets, they are conversations about topics we have here).
- It frames us as a group now, so it's kind of recruiting the group instead of speaking in terms of "I"
- Community members might wonder: "and what else did they talk about? Did they talk about me? What did they say?"
The solution would be either:
- To ask the person the permission to quote him (maybe he prefers it to be kept private, in other terms the person is going to think: why in the World this guy is writing this here?)
- To not quote the person to respect his right to privacy.
I prefer solution 2 as it's more socially elegant.
So I think it's a power move. Please let me know if I'm mistaken.
From what you seem and what I may seem to understand, I'd say "mostly no".
Just a caveat at the meaning level:
If it's "power move" in the larger sense, as in "anything that affects social/power dynamics", then yes.
If it's in the way that you and I and most people use it, as in "not cool / value-taking / to gain myself at another person's loss", then I don't think it is.
At most, it may be a risk or mistake in case the other person cares a lot about this stuff.
Some people care more about these things than others.
Of course, as for everything, balance and context.
If it's often repeated, then it can be a bit jarring to others.
If it's with a very high-status member, it may be a move to display "powerful connections".
But every once in a while, among peers, all good.
My 2 cents.
Alright, thank you very much Lucio.
Yes, it's similar in the way we talk casually when with a group of friends and I would say: "yeah we talked about it with X (common friend) and ...". So it's more referencing a past shared conversation that is relevant in the context than using the person's status. So I would say it's casual referencing/quoting with no hidden intention. Like we tend to reference the conversations we had with people we like.
Got it: not being annoyingly name-dropping, respecting the other person's values.
Thanks a lot! It's often in these subtleties that we lose the trust/respect of a friend. I know I did lose respect/trust in friends for small mistakes like that in public: revealing information that I thought was clear it was between-us-information. Not secret but revealed on purpose only to this person. Or they revealed secret information.
So yes, for me it's about respecting the individual and the group. And your answer is helpful for me in that regard.
If I'm having conversations just between the two of us I like to do a confidentiality sandwich.
"Is it ok if we talk about something just between us"
Then at the end of the topic:
"Yeah that one's just a you and me convo so if you could keep it to yourself that would be awesome."
We are all so much swamped with information these days so if I don't make it really clear and reinforce that this is private well then it's fair game for them to tell it to whoever.
That's my thinking that it's better to take accountability and head off problems first rather than whining like the bitch I am when there's misunderstandings
At least that's my thinking. And I guess now I think about it some more it probably also depends on who you're talking to. If it's a salty player they know what they have to keep private so I would cut them less slack if they out you in public. Same thing with PU alumni I talk to a couple in real life off the forum and they know exactly what is private and what is not. Anyway works coming back tomorrow so my time of spamming the forum is officially over!!
Hello Transitioned,
thank you very much for your answer!
Quote from Transitioned on December 31, 2023, 11:46 pmIf I'm having conversations just between the two of us I like to do a confidentiality sandwich.
"Is it ok if we talk about something just between us"
Then at the end of the topic:
"Yeah that one's just a you and me convo so if you could keep it to yourself that would be awesome."
We are all so much swamped with information these days so if I don't make it really clear and reinforce that this is private well then it's fair game for them to tell it to whoever.
That's my thinking that it's better to take accountability and head off problems first rather than whining like the bitch I am when there's misunderstandings
In my notes. I'm definitely going to use it. I think it's a great model. Please do spam again soon! :)
