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Lending Money

I grew up in a poor family/environment and I have many many people around me

I am starting to do well for myself and it seems 3x a week someone is contacting me asking for money, it's always some massive sob story and I start to feel bad because I know these people are genuinely ruined financially and sometimes have no hope (recent one was car clamped and can't get to work) + they have always been there for me

I end up helping people but the worst thing is it just causes a divide in the relationship they end up resenting me and never paying me back lol

What is the best way to handle it and say no?

Lucio Buffalmano and Kavalier have reacted to this post.
Lucio BuffalmanoKavalier

Yeah, that's definitely a challenging one.

Money requests from family are super thorny indeed.

I think the two majors issue with the the ask/give is that:

  1. It surfaces that you two are just too different. People who make money have a different mindsets and different values from those who ask.
    Money makers focus on building, improving, developing themselves and their work. askers focus on consumption and short-term gratification
  2. Tuns friendships and relationships from social to economical, which is always a devolution
  3. Can turn win-win out of choice and pleasure into lose-win if they don't repay, and win-lose when they feel that you're taking back money when they think you don't really need it

I got asked as well, but never within the family, and the only people I feel close who asked me had legitimate business ideas in mind and were willing and likely to repay.

So happy to hear what others think.

Some approaches:

  • Give them the money and say "I'm not rich and need it to pay business partners and grow my project. But no pressure, just give it back when you have it"

That way, you put some pressure without chasing money.
Chances are they will avoid you in the future.

  • Give a portion only, saying that you need the rest for investment

Giving only a portion also better covers you against future asking as well.

Say no by saying yes to other obligations, for example:

  • I really feel for you man, but I got partners, suppliers, and employees that need me and I can't divert much cash away. I'm not even buying much for myself these days
  • Sucks to hear, unluckily I earmarked most of my spare cash for our next business projects and I'm liable and obliged to my business partners

Let them explain:

  • OK, you broke your car... How about you take the bus? How about you cycle there, which is also very healthy? Get a second job maybe?

The more they come up for reasons why they can't, the more it seems like they're not being very proactive and just taking the easy way out of taking from you.

Go on the attack:

  • Listen man, allow me to be honest. I've heard you've been partying and drinking recently. That's not good for you. And frankly, I don't wanna be the one financing your self-harming debauchery

Or some ways to say exactly what you've experienced:

  • "As a personal decision, I never ask nor lend money within the family"
  • "I learned that money ruins relationships, so I hope you can understand that I never give or ask"

Then keep acting with them friendly and warm, let them be the ones who pull away just because they couldn't get what they wanted.


Ali Scarlett, John Freeman and 3 other users have reacted to this post.
Ali ScarlettJohn FreemanKavalierMitchBel
Community, new content and Confidence University moved here.

Also, I think one crucial thing is to make people understand you're not swimming in gold and living the easy life while they only have it hard.

Often poor people think of wealthier people as "worry-free, full of money, and no problems".
And "stingy and "bad" whenever they don't throw that money around as they would do (including, well, stingy for not giving it to them).

You may want to address that and frame yourself as a man with maybe more money, BUT ALSO more projects, more bills, more obligations, more things to achieve, etc. etc.

Basically: they have money problems that require money, and you have "goal problems" that also require money, effort, and your full focus.
It's not like you're swimming in gold, doing nothing all day, and laughing in front of piles of cash.

That's what you want to communicate.

Unluckily, many people with the "poor mindset" don't get that if you communicate it directly.
To them, money means solution to all problems, and if you have money, it's you who's daft for not being able to chill and relax and enjoy while doing nothing.

So I'm afraid that the most effective way of doing that may be to selectively choose what to communicate and what not to communicate.
Communicate and sub-communicate a lot less about your successes and a lot more about your issues, worries, obligations, and life stresses.

This is all work that pre-dates the "ask".
Then you're more "one of them", and even if they ask, it's a lot easier to say "I got these other obligations/worries" and maintain the realationship.

Maintaining good relationships with the people who stay behind as you move forward is challenging and requires a lot of smart social strategizing.

A good balance is to start and mix the problems and issues, and then switch back to an optimistic frame of "that's life, a continuous challenge, and we also love it and enjoy it because of that", so you don't drag yourself down with it.

And congratulations on lifting yourself up man.

Ali Scarlett, Jack and 3 other users have reacted to this post.
Ali ScarlettJackKavalierMitchBel
Community, new content and Confidence University moved here.

Always got the best responses thankyou Lucio, some I had thought of some I hadn't...but given me a lot to consider and you are spot on about their psychology in life. I've actually been considering a big move away recently just to get away from their mindset. I am becoming completely different from everyone and its hard to strategize/connect with them all as you said

I have to make it a habit to get on here and in the content more often it is quality.

Lucio Buffalmano, Ali Scarlett and 2 other users have reacted to this post.
Lucio BuffalmanoAli ScarlettJackKavalier

Cheers Mitch, thank you for the feedback and nice words.

And albeit you know better and I'm not there, I think that the move may be a good idea.

Also, it allows you to get the best of both worlds:

  • Maintain good relationships with your family and roots and enjoy it all when you go back
  • While you avoind being dragged down by living in an environment that may be getting a bit stifling for your growth

For example, deep down I know that I had to move from my original birthplace/environment.

But because I can go back any time and just spend some time there, now it's concentrated high-quality time with family, childhood friends, and old places as well.
So you can get the best, with close to zero drawbacks.

Transitioned, Kavalier and Bel have reacted to this post.
Community, new content and Confidence University moved here.

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