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Letting friends use your fridge or not
Hello TPM community,
This is a common situation I believe.
Wheh I invite friends at home for a dinner and board game everyone brings beers. So as they arrive I serve beers to my friends. As the night moves forward sometimes someone is out of beer and he’s getting up and asks if some people want beers. Then the person proceeds to get beers in the fridge and bring them back.
In my view there are 2 perspectives on that:
- Power-centered: it’s up to the host to go and fetch drinks for other people. So if people go in the fridge by themselves they take the host role and they also “touch your stuff”. However when I’m at my friend’s place I will open the fridge to put beers inside or will propose to get beers. However when I do that I do feel that I’m taking the host role even if my intention is solely to bring beers to my friends. I think the fridge is access to food and it might be something a bit personal (at least from my observation). (Note: maybe it’s only me as I’m now aware that my privacy was often invaded in my family. So maybe I’m over sensitive about it).
- Vibe-centered/relationship-centered/easy-going: it really does not matter who’s getting the beers. That’s my current approach but since I’m writing this I’m wondering if I’m correct. It’s about having a good time together and sharing the responsibilities. Especially since I cook, it’s my game, I explain the rules, it’s my place, etc. So a lot of me-me-me already. It’s good if people also can play an active role in the night. And not feel too much “taken care of”. Personally it depends on my mood but 90% of the times when I’m at a friend’s place I sincerely want to help. However I understand when they refuse because it’s their responsibility to cook in their own eyes.
This example extends also to letting your friends take the plates off of the table to put them in the dishwasher or help you slice vegetables.
So I think it comes down to 3 things:
- Social exchange: people feel good if they can give back when they’re being invited and that includes getting beers or helping with the dishes. I think it feels more balanced as when we’re invited we get value so we want to reciprocate.
- Personal style: some people are more controlling with their own environment and others less.
- Friendship: friends do things for one another freely without bean-counting.
So my personal conclusion is that it is also about fluidity. That means to make sure that there is a good atmosphere. And for a good friendly atmosphere between friends it’s important that people feel free and at ease. As long as it’s not obviously disrespectful not disempowering. I might also be overthinking it of course.
I’m happy to know if you guys have any comment about this.
Haha been there done that, John. I generally get a bit annoyed when people touch my stuff, but if it's minor then I wouldn't worry about it. I feel I'm a bit of an organization/clean freak so it does feel like an invasion of personal space a lot to me, but it really depends on the situation.
I think in this case it is probably just fluid and people trying to help if others are focused on socializing/gaming. But I think it would be better if the person getting beers asked the host if it's OK - this is more of a respect thing. It would raise a red flag if a friend is making a big scene like below (unless the vibe is high/everybody is tipsy etc.) then they are definitely out of line:
Friend: OK. Who wants beers? I brought some good ones like XYZ. Let's make it rock!!! (With wide gesture and excitement as if he/she was the host)
A bit exaggerated but you get the point. The above is different than below:
Friend (low key): Hey I'm getting another beer myself, who else wants one?
I think if they are helping with dishes and preparing food it's generally OK and would not be a warning sign for social credit taking because there's no glamor in that kind of tasks IMO.
Thank you Emily for your answer, it's very helpful.
Friend (low key): Hey I'm getting another beer myself, who else wants one?
In my situation it's this one that I encounter.
