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Maiden VS Married Names in marriages: a battle for power & control

Whether or not a woman will keep her maiden surname after the marriage says a lot about her.

And how he reacts says a lot about him.

When She Keeps Her Maiden Name

From a power perspective, a woman who wants to keep her name sends a strong message of independence.

She is not submitting him.
Or at least, not in this realm and not until the point of acquiring his surname.

How Men Feel About It

Let me be honest right away:

Most men will not like it.

But more shocking is that they might not be wrong not to like it.

Even if they are not schooled in the dynamics of power, deep down they will feel she is not fully submitting to him. And that might sometimes mean she does not respect him enough to do so.

So yes, in a way men are not completely wrong about worrying on her surname choice.

"Most" is not all though, and some might truly be cool with it.

How Men React Depend on Ther Personality

Well, there are three ways men can react.
And in parenthesis I list what type of men are they:

  1. Truly be OK with it (open-minded, hipsters, submissive, low in power-seeking, generally uninterested, too driven by other goals)
  2. Pretend to be OK with it (passive aggressive, submissive, fearful of what "modern friends" would say)
  3. Enforce his surname (controlling men, abusive men, traditional men, religious men, high in power seeking, fearful of what "conservative friends" would say)

I reflected a bit on this.

And there is a different way men can react -which is how I would react, LOL-.
And it's this:

It would sound so strange if she had my surname: we dated with different surnames, and she's a different person.
It's not like I am "absorbing her" now.
I don't want her to be my extension, I want a partner for this "joint venture", I want someone with her own opinions who can contribute with her own unique personality.

On the other hand, if the norm is to take my surname and she goes through the pain of "opting out", what does it say about her and about her in relation to me?

So yeah, I would definitely be conflicted about it.

It Depends on The Culture

Ultimately, for me, it depends on the culture and norm of the country:

  • If most women keep their surname, I wouldn't want her to take my surname

And I'd look suspiciously at a woman going out of her way to take my surname.
Isn't she negating her own personality too much with that?

I would even potentially worry if she isn't going to let herself go completely, the change of surname signaling a "take care of me" attitude and her quitting her job.

  • If most women take his surname, I'd look suspiciously at her going out of her way to keep her maiden name

I would consider it either a too strongly rebellious attitude, or a bad sign of my influence on her.

Abusive Men Would Go Crazy

At the extreme, there are abusive men.

Abusive men see any sign of her independence as a threat on their manhood and their control.

Some therapist even say that it's about preserving the relationship itself, but I never bought that BS: it's about control, power and being an asshole.

As a matter of fact, if women aren't yet sure what his man is made of, I might even recommend them to tell him they're thinking about keeping their maiden name.

How he reacts will tell you a lot about him.

Have you read the forum guidelines for effective communication already?
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