Matching Energy Level vs Labeling/Mirroring
Hey Lucio.
I love your course!
One of the best courses I have ever taken.
I have a question for you or your team.
In section 9.4 of your course you talk about meeting her at her level of loudness to nip verbal abuse in the bud and to not show weakness, and I assumed you do this with guy friends as well.
Now I am reading a book called Never Split The Difference and at chapter "Dont feel their pain, label it" Chris Voss(author) talked about in a negotiation and other relationships.
It's good to keep your cool and to label the other persons emotions with a It feels like, It sounds like, and It seems like statement to pull their emotions from there amygdala to there frontal cortex making them calm down.
He also says to mirror other people to get them to feel safe and connected to you. Using the last 3 words of their question and mimicking body language to get them to share more information with you. I am feeling confused on when to use your way or his.
My guess is use your way with girlfriends and his way with not good situations involving men and or negotiations.
But isn't a situation with your girlfriends using drama and nagging a negotiation?
Thank you.
Hope your having a great day.
Your the man.
Anyone wanna take a guess at this one?
But isn't a situation with your girlfriends using drama and nagging a negotiation?
Negotiation would more about getting towards an outcome in a certain direction.
Though you can always enlarge the scope of negotiation which is what smart negotiators do to maximise value.
The principles of negotiation are great for relationships as well.
Especially the techniques for enlarging the pie and collaborative negotiation.
For handling drama and nagging, it is more specifically about boundaries and how you get people to respect you.
And you need to show people that they cannot emotionally manipulate you.
The key is to show that you can take in the emotions of your partner without getting too affected.
There are a few ways to navigate this and matching the loudness & emotional intensity is one way.
We can see that, in this scene, he remains calm and controlled to handle her high emotions:
In my opinion, it boils down to 2 points:
- Take in and understand the emotions of the other person
- Not get affected
This shows emotional intelligence and strength.
It may not be necessary to label or mirror the emotion.
It is challenging to do both when emotions are running high.
That's why many men
- Stonewall - cannot take the emotional intensity and shut down
- Follow whatever she says to not mentally deal with the emotions
Often drama and nagging are not sincere expressions of emotions.
They are often manipulative.
As such, labelling what seems to be the expressed emotion may not be the most effective way of dealing with drama and nagging.
It is better to get down to the root of the issue.
- Address why it's not the most pleasant or effective way of solving problems collaboratively
- Actually, solve the practical problems
My thoughts from what I understand the post to be.
Matthew: For handling drama and nagging, it is more specifically about boundaries and how you get people to respect you.
And you need to show people that they cannot emotionally manipulate you.
Exactly.
Of course, both techniques can be valid, but meeting her at her level is for high or endless drama, or highly emotionally charged attacks.
When those happen and you always remain calm, it's very possible you get swarmed, and can come across as weak.
It's like attacking a punching bag.
People don't stop when the punching bag remains cold and distant, they only stop when they want to stop.
Imagine someone is yelling at you in anger, or being truly disrespectful:
Her: And now you forgot the cheese, too? Hadn't I clearly told you this morning to get the cheese? Were you thinking of some other women today, or are you stupid?
And:
You: (flat tone) it sounds like you are angry
Or parroting (repeating the last words):
You: Am I stupid?
That might send the message that you don't take basic human decency and respect seriously.
In Matthew's video example, the guy is too passive in my opinion.
How is he going to send the message that throwing clothes around is not acceptable behavior?
By having a sit down later on and calmly explaining "not cool"?
Yeah, that too, but it's also good to put your foot down in the heat of the moment.
Matthew: Often drama and nagging are not sincere expressions of emotions.
They are often manipulative.As such, labelling what seems to be the expressed emotion may not be the most effective way of dealing with drama and nagging.
Bingo!
Mirroring manipulation is scratching with the turkey.
And labeling can easily expand on a negative frame you don't want to expand (unless as a starting point, or as an uncovering technique to show how uncool it is).
Using what to use and when is based on emotional intelligence, to understand the specific situation.
Imagine:
Her: You've never done me a gift. And now San Valentine is coming, and you know what Jenny is going to receive from Robert?
Him: (labeling) It sounds like you are really unhappy about the gifts I make
Now is he is thread expanding on a bad frame.