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Mats's Reflections and Daily Power Struggles
I've realized recently that I have been approaching power dynamics in a less than optimal way. While I have gained a lot of power awareness through PU I haven't taken the time to consciously apply what I've learned in real life. This has of course kept me from seeing the results I otherwise would have expected by this point. Therefore I'm creating this journal to reflect on the power moves I encounter and any other thoughts concerning power dynamics.
I'm always happy to read any thoughts on what I write in here.
High-power behavior makes up for poor social skills
A couple of days ago one of my mom's old friends came over to our house with her husband and sons. As soon as she saw me she greeted me warmly with an excessively big hug and then gave me several arm and back touches. I matched her warmth, her hug, and her touches before greeting the rest of her family.
A bit later we all sat down to eat, and in these situations I'm usually sitting quiet and just nodding since I rarely find anything to say. However, I found that by having powerful body language and acting like a leader (inviting the guests to sit, passing them the food, checking if anybody wants anything, etc) I was getting a lot more respect than I normally would without partaking in much conversation.
Later I was sitting alone with the kids, who were just a few years younger than me, and again I used the same strategy. I didn't talk much, but I asked them a few questions and let them speak while I sat mostly listening with powerful body language. I could tell they were having a good time despite me not talking much. This was confirmed since I left after a while to meet up with some friends, and from the moment I left the kids apparently got bored and stayed on their phones the rest of the evening.
To me this confirms what I've been noticing lately, which is that even with lacking social skills I can easily interact with people and get their respect simply by being confident and using high power behavior.
Hi Mats,
it’s a great reflection!
I also found that after starting to behave higher-power, people would give me “more leeway to behave less well”, and still more respect than before.
This was exemplified recently by my parents (who I have to admit I am not treating well lately - still not as badly as they used to treat me: I am mainly ignoring them) who recently gave me the biggest birthday gift they ever gave me.
It cuts into Lucio’s teaching that being “straight” is not inherent to being successful with high-power, at least in the short term.
And, more relevant to your post, that Power trumps everything.
Yeah, great observation.
Same experience here, and fits accordingly with "standard model of power dynamics".
Social skills are great to have of course, but you don't need super smoothness.
And you can get all the respect and status you need with "just enough".
OFF-TOPIC
Happy birthday, Bel!
Sounds like it's a recent thing :)
OFF-TOPIC
Quote from Mats G on June 25, 2023, 7:42 am
To me this confirms what I've been noticing lately, which is that even with lacking social skills I can easily interact with people and get their respect simply by being confident and using high power behavior.
My experience matches it too.
I am on trip with my father's friends so from the start I am lower power and default power dynamic is that they have to look after me.
My social skills are so strong that I fight 15 minutes with myself to start a conversation with 3 years younger guy and the same is for each new question when the conversation breaks.
Situation is seemingly hopeless and yet by walking confidently, going before them, moving without a doubt when they stop and wonder if they should go there or wait, reshaping, rejecting bad frames and responding slowly and without urgency among other things dynamics quickly changed to "Seems we don't need to look after you after all" and one person even came to me saying "I'm shocked at how confident you are."
All of that even though I still made ton of mistakes like smiling too much in no warmth encounters.
So that convinces me that you may have low confidence and social skills but if you act powerfully people will see you as socially skilled and confident.
One may still disagree by saying acting powerful is a social skill by itself which is fair and the point becomes mutt.
Thank you for the replies Bel, Lucio and DGX37!
It seems like we've had similar experiences concerning high-power behavior.
It was very inspiring to read about the success you guys have had.
Quote from Bel on June 25, 2023, 1:52 pmI also found that after starting to behave higher-power, people would give me “more leeway to behave less well”, and still more respect than before.
This is also something I'll need to keep in mind. I remember from my own experience how I wouldn't speak up when higher power people made me feel bad and instead let them walk all over me. It was very unpleasant, but I'm certain they never noticed. To avoid doing the same to others I'll need to be extra attentive when I'm around people who appear to be more on the submissive side.
Learning from poor decisions:
This past week I had a fun time writing back and forth to the recruitment team of a job I applied to before summer.
I applied for the job about 3 months ago before I landed my current summer job. A few days after applying they sent me an automated message along the lines of:
"You're getting this message because you applied for a job at X. We are in full swing with the recruitment process and are constantly recruiting. Hold out a little longer and you'll receive an answer from us as fast as possible. If anything concerning your application changes or if you are no longer interested in working for us you can contact us at X.
Thank you for your patience!
Kind regards
X recruitment.
(Some of the wording gets lost in translation).
Then over the next three months I received this exact message another five times without receiving an answer. I didn't need the job of course, and I don't care that they don't answer, but the spam sending of the same exact message (which ends with "thank you for your patience!") annoyed me.
The sixth time they sent the message I responded with:
"Hello,
I just wanted to let you know that this is the 6th time in 3 months that you're sending me this message. Once is enough :)
Thank you for your understanding!
Kind regards
Mats
I didn't have any other goal with this message than to get them to stop spamming me. Since I was slightly annoyed I also threw in the passive aggressive smiley face and threw in my own version of their "thank you for X" power move.
At this point I figured that would be that and hopefully I wouldn't receive any more messages, but they wrote back the same day saying:
Hello Mats,
Thank you for the information! Is the job still of interest to you? :)
Kind regards,
X recruitment.
While I wasn't interested in the job, I do enjoy going to job interviews just to practice power dynamics.
Seeing this as a learning opportunity I decided to experiment with my answer to see how they reacted.
I wrote back saying:
Hello,
I understand that there's probably a lot of people who would answer "yes" to that question without thinking, but in my experience that often leads to wasted time and discontent from both sides. It would be nice for both of us to avoid that :) (Here I tried to frame myself as higher value than the other applicants by suggesting they would say "yes" to any job without having standards or thinking about compatibility).
Honestly it's too early for me to answer that question. Right now I would need more information about the job and the work team to see if we would fit each other. I'd happily agree to an interview if you're interested. (I tried to switch the frame from me chasing them to "let's see if we're a good fit").
Kind regards,
Mats
This message is far from perfect, but since my goal was to learn rather than get the job I don't mind.
After this though, they sent me a message that pissed me off a great deal:
Hello Mats,
We currently don't have any available jobs at X. If it becomes relevant (<--can't find a good word in English) with an interview we'll contact you. Thanks again for your patience!
Hope you'll have a great day!
Kind regards,
X recruitment
The reason this pissed me off so much was because they had been spamming me for months saying that they were recruiting, I should be patient, I'll get an answer soon, etc. When I wrote back to them they specifically asked if I still wanted the job. And all the while it turns out there wasn't even a job available.
I understand that this is pretty common for big companies, but to me it was a sneaky and value taking approach to recruiting. If they the filled position immediately, then there was no need to keep sending out emails telling me to sit tight because they are "in full swing with the recruitment process". Adding insult to injury when I told them to stop sending the same email they asked me specifically if I still wanted the job, knowing full well that there was no job.
The way they worded their message also made it very disempowering to me which annoyed me even more.
I know that my anger here is an overreaction, after all, their approach makes sense; why should they waste time reaching out to every single person telling them they didn't get a job when instead they could just string them along for when they need more staff in the future.
Still, I believe it's important to always listen to my emotions and allow myself to feel them even if they make no rational sense. I therefore decided to send them one last message to re-empower myself, knowing full well it would burn any chance of getting that job (a small price since I didn't need or want it):
Hello again,
I probably misunderstood you, because when you asked if I still was interested in the job I assumed there actually was a job to be interested in :)
No worries though, when you need staff again you can write to me. Thank you again for your understanding!
Have a nice day!
Kind regards,
Mats
To be clear, this was not a good message at all. It felt great to write it in the moment, but it was the opposite of eagle behavior.
First of all, I allowed my emotions to control my actions (and while I believe in always allowing yourself to feel your emotions they should not influence your actions) which resulted in me filling the message with intentional power moves.
Second of all, while I think checking their message was justified I should not have done so in the passive aggressive turkey level way I did. If I were to rewrite it I would simply say something like:
Hello,
When you ask me if I want a job I would appreciate if the job actually exists.
Third of all, at the end of the day I lose power by responding the way I did. For me, true power in this situation would be to make them want me for the job. That way I would have the power to accept, turn them down, negotiate for something else, etc. With my approach I instead guarantee that they will never want to give me the job.
Funnily enough it was my own poor behavior that taught me the most. It really cemented the importance of not swooping down to turkey level behavior when checking power moves, and also the importance of not acting while too emotional.
Hello Mats,
Yes, that sounds like a great analysis you've done.
I'd have been bothered as well by those power moves and probably gone with some variants of your last message indeed.
By the way, you always have an option to leave a review for this business.
P.S.:
Also a small detail, and not sure if it sounds the same in the original language but I also don't like this line:
working for us
It's the more disempowering frame for any new joiner.
Hello Mats,
well played on your side. Being high power in this situation (we’re not always I think) meant that you have options so it was easier to sub-communicate it than if you had not. I also agree with your POV that it’s always a good exercise to interview and even this back-and-forth was. So congrats for your learner’s mindset (I’m also working on it endlessly).
Agreed with Lucio about the “working for” it struck me as a power move and I did not like it either. Especially knowing you’re not even employed yet. It increases the power distance even more knowing that it is generally not in favour of the applicant at the beginning of the job application process most of the time. That is in this case I think they probably have more job applicants than position giving them the upper hand based on quantity alone. Not talking about quality here as this shows in the interview and can reverse the power dynamics.
