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My best friend's girlfriend is a value-taker
Hello guys,
Experience
as you guys know, my social improved significantly since 6 months ago. I have now a few close friends of high-quality that I can trust. One of them is best friend N. who is a honest, trustworthy, positive person. I like his girlfriend a lot and I think she's a great person.
However, she's taking value from him publicly. And that sucks. Instead of lifting him up publicly, she demeans him. I've seen worse but still, your significant other is supposed to be your best ally. Either he does not realize it or he does not care. But she does it a lot. She does it to me as well.
Analysis
I think it's a way for her to protect herself. She's kind of have an eating disorder according to him. So there is a mental disease in her story. And this kind of mental disease distorts one's perception. So she might feel like he's putting her down and she's not.
I like this couple. However, I don't like to see my friend get devaluated in front of me. Especially a friend I care for. However, I don't want to intervene in their relationship. They're living together. However, I'm wondering if she's the right woman for him. Because he will never be able to reach the highest levels of success with this woman around. She will allow a certain success but not too much as it will make her feel unconformable and inferior.
Behavior
I don't how if I should hint him at him privately or let it slip. She really behaves like nasty social climber A. but less aggressive. But it's the same style: demeaning remarks and body language. It's cool to play board games and philosophize with her, however I'm afraid that despite all her good traits, she might be a narcissist deep down. I'm not sure yet. As she really have good sides but now I have my radar on and guard on around her. I started to defend more but I'll defend even more.
Nasty social climber A. was really annoying as f##k. She's ok for now. But it's true that I have only seen her a few times. As Lucio said: "small red flags are the largest red flags"
What would you do?
I'm not that sure of the best response as well.
I'm thinking that, if she pulls a power move in front of you and your friend, you could go meta and explain why that's not cool.
In this way, your friend will understand the kind of moves that she is playing.
She will know that at least you do not condone her behaviour and are pulling a disapproving judge move on her.
Or you could bring up a specific instance in private with your friend.
And ask him what he thinks about the dynamics of that situation.
I think both are good answers. Thanks, Matthew! I think I can do both. But if I surface it he could feel as if I’m attacking her and defend her.
What do you think?
I think both are good answers. Thanks, Matthew! I think I can do both. But if I surface it he could feel as if I’m attacking her and defend her.
Always a pleasure John.
That was what I was concerned about as well.
I was thinking about a respectful pre-amble together with assertiveness to set the right tone
You: I respect you and your girlfriend a lot. (Shows that you value & respect the relationship, I learnt this from a movie scene below)
I wanted to point out a situation that made me feel uncomfortable. (Assertively say how you feel from your own perspective)
When she made this comment, I felt a bit demeaned because the comment has a one-upping nature. (The assertion format: how the action makes you feel & why)
It pushes me down. (Or him down depending on the remark) (explains what one-upping means)
That being said, I would like to know what you think as you know her best. (seeks his perspective which shows respect)
This is the scene from the movie, A Bronx Tale.
He felt that the father of his son was a little rude coming into his bar and making allegations so he prefaced the assertion with "First of all, I respect you a lot"
I think both the idea of the respectful pre-amble and the content of the dialog you propose are on point. I feel it’s calibrated to the situation. I can be assertive in this situation AND say how I feel because it’s a close friend. I think it’s the right context to use such a dialog. He knows it will be coming from my heart.
I’ll talk about it with him next time we go hiking together. That’s the gift I was meaning to offer him for his driving license: a mountain hike. So everything unfolds for the better.
It's very sweet of you to care so much about your friend, John.
These things are touchy because some people will get offended if you point stuff out about their SO. If it were me, I would stay quiet about it until he complains privately or publicly about her. Then you can point him to some resources on narcissism, and especially articles about the Narcissistic Abuse Cycle: idealization/lovebombing, devaluation, discard, hoover. Dr. Ramani's channel on YouTube is also an excellent resource on Narcissism and how to handle those people.
The thing is, people get attracted to whomever resembles the parent/caretaker that treated them the worse. If your friend has a history of dating personality-challenged women, it likely means that he's got some subconscious attraction to abusive people. The book "Dark Side of the Inner Child" by Wolinsky explains this so well. It also has exercises to overcome this tendency.
Thank you Isabella for your answer!
He does sometimes complain about her privately to me. She started to smoke cigarettes again when he stopped to smoke the vape. So it was a factor that made him relapsed to the vape, at least it did not help. Publicly, he calls her my love and goes for kisses and touches but she does not reciprocate (Power Move apparently). So I'm a bit sad for him. I did not notice it until recently. I don't know her very much, I've seen her about 5 times in my life.
Another idea is to drop feelers.
When she talks about the GF or complains about something, you can drop a casual:
Hey man, you OK when she does X?
If he asks "what do you mean", then you explain what social climbing is, and why it disempowers him.
Without going too much in-depth, just to see if he even understands those games.
Then, if he is interested or shows displeasure, you can go a bit deeper.
If he says "totally cool with it", defends his GF, or talks about how much he loves or how they're good together, then drop it.
