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My friends steal at the supermarket
Hello,
During the week-end with my 2 friends for my friend JB’s birthday we went to the supermarket.
On the way there they hinted that last time they were at the self-checkout they did not scan everything and laughed about it. I did not.
Once at the supermarket I had my eyes open as I did not want to associate with such behaviour. My friend did not check 2 items (alcohol of course) which I saw and checked myself so we would not steal. And now I get labelled as a party-pooper:
JB (to 3rd friend, ganging on me): he did not want to do it (smile: implying “what an idiot”).
Me: so what is the reason to do it? Is it the “it’s a corporation so they have money so we can steal from them”? (To which I already know the answer, it’s a rethorical question)
JB: it’s alright (like on the tone of he forgives me).
I personally don’t like hypocrisy in myself or others. So to me it’s quite hypocritical to play virtue signaling on environment, gender equality and then steal.
Also notice here the jester kind of dominance: breaking the rules, laughing at it. Also the frame imposing: he did not at one moment to negotiate frames. Because basically there’s not much room for him to do so: either he’s a thief or Robin Hood. There’s not much in-between. (I know there’s a label in here we can talk about it).
So net sum: he dominated me with his frame, framed me as a stuck-up and the odd one out of the three of us.
My own moral code is: I don’t steal (even less in supermarket). That’s what teenagers and low-lives do. Don’t mistake me I did it a few times as a teenager. Never had a negative consequence of it but on my conscience yes. I don’t think it’s about the Judeo-Christian ethos (could have been it’s the culture I was raised in).
It’s about the kind of relationship one has to the World. Like lying or other taker behaviour. Yes there are certain cases when stealing is necessary (poor mother) and some are even ethically good (stealing secrets from the Nazis). But not in this case. Here it’s just about saving some money. So it’s a weak self-frame to me. And I don’t want this identity. I prefer to be labelled as stuck-up. I don’t mind.
What I would do differently next time: first I would still check out the items he did not. Then I would say: “for me it’s important to pay what I buy”. So it is in the “I” form and yes it kind of implies that they don’t and yes it’s a justification. But it’s still assertive and high power as “I follow my moral code whatever you think and do.”
And leave it at that. If he makes fun of me I would say: “what’s so funny?”. Just a few reflection for now.
I’m happy to read if you have any comments on this.
Quote from John Freeman on July 26, 2023, 9:32 pmHere it’s just about saving some money. So it’s a weak self-frame to me. And I don’t want this identity. I prefer to be labelled as stuck-up. I don’t mind.
Consider this may be a reactive self-talk.
Just like you can ignore other people's frames and create your own frame, you can create your own self-talk.
Ignore the stuck-up, set your self-talk on being straight, flying higher, not being a small-time cheat, "choosing to be better", or whatever self-talk or label you prefer.
Quote from John Freeman on July 26, 2023, 9:32 pmWhat I would do differently next time: first I would still check out the items he did not. Then I would say: “for me it’s important to pay what I buy”. So it is in the “I” form and yes it kind of implies that they don’t and yes it’s a justification. But it’s still assertive and high power as “I follow my moral code whatever you think and do.”
And leave it at that. If he makes fun of me I would say: “what’s so funny?”. Just a few reflection for now.
I’m happy to read if you have any comments on this.
I'd make very little of it, as if you were talking to a child -they are in their child behavior, after all-.
And say something like:
Guys, when you're on your own, do as you please.
Me, I prefer it this way
No mention to stealing/not stealing, just focus on the action.
Boom! Thanks a lot Lucio. This is in my notes. It's very helpful for me to learn how to self-frame as an eagle and you said not react to their frame.
So, so powerful.
-they are in their child behavior, after all-.
True: "how can we cheat the adults/authority"
I believe that behaving honestly in these situations is important for self-signaling reasons above all.
But it also can have important effects in the most unexpected ways.
Warning: personal story interjection
I always go to this supermarket. Once, I was self-scanning items and I did not scan a pack of beers by mistake.
Then I went out and recognized my mistake. I decided to go back to the supermarket. I went to the cashier, and I told him, and I paid.
Three months later, I scanned some items that I put back on the shelf while shopping, but forgot to remove them from the list (the supermarket has a small portable terminal to scan while shopping).
When I went to pay, I recognized my mistake.
I went to the same guy I had paid the beers to, and told him of my mistake.
He immediately removed the items from the bill, without even checking my bags.
OFF-TOPIC
Yeah, I also find those moments of "it would be easy to steal" very telling and very important for self-signaling.
It's also similar to many other situations where you'd have the power to do something (theoretically) good for you, or fun, but decide not to.
There is a shop I often went to with little to no supervision and no anti-theft system.
And often I told myself "I'm the type of guy who... (pays his due / plays straight / etc. etc.)"
OFF-TOPIC
