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My journey to assertiveness

#21 · August 31, 2020, 10:02 am

Today, inspired by Tom Bilyeu I changed my priorities from:

1. Health & Hygiene
2. Mission
3. Personal Growth
4. Relationships
5. Relaxing
6. Management (paperwork, house cleaning, etc.)

To:

1. Health & Hygiene
2. Personal Growth
3. Mission
4. Relationships
5. Relaxing
6. Management (paperwork, house cleaning, etc.)

It might seem small but it's a big decision for me since it will affect my entire life. This is to be in alignment with the belief of:

"Personal growth should be your highest priority"

which is part of the impact theory belief system. We'll see how it goes.

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#22 · August 31, 2020, 10:47 am

good luck, they say the devil or the gods are in the small details...!

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#23 · August 31, 2020, 8:45 pm

Makes sense; as I can testify firsthand, foundations must come first. And if you funnel your growth into your mission, you'd get the best of both worlds. Cheers!

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#24 · September 13, 2020, 10:46 pm

Thanks guys!

Regarding the two archetypes that I'm inspiring myself for my social behaviors:

George Clooney: Charm
Michael Corleone: Power

Watching the godfather was very inspiring regarding how to behave powerfully: to observe, listen, think and being detached. This is also what Jocko Willink advises. It allowed me to make better choices. I met a group of friends and in the beginning I had still the "jester program" as it was part of the role I had in the group: jester/leader and I left leadership to other guys and it's all good. That being said, as the time was passing, I saw myself slipping more and more into the Corleone persona: observing, comparing, analysing. It's a very powerful behavior indeed to gather social intel as @Lucio said. And it still allows to fool around when one wants to. It's just another set of behaviors. It goes well together with the leader-like positive behaviors such as encouraging, inspiring, teaching and congratulating.

Michael Corleone: thank you.

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#25 · October 6, 2020, 5:14 am

Quote from John Freeman on October 6, 2020, 5:14 am
New story with manipulative nurse.

So I take care of a patient and I have to go to the morning meeting. It's important and she knows it: they are not supposed to call us during this time. Before I leave I tell her that we're going to treat him and then he'll be able to go home most certainly. So she knew that after the 1 hour meeting I was going to be back to check on him. She still calls me during the meeting. Another colleague takes the call from my phone. When I go downstair everything was fine because the patient has a mild disease and another resident that I had hand off the patient to was taking care of him.

But the nurse was pissed off against me because "I did not tell her and she did not know what to say to the child's mother". I told her that I thought it was Well, she's been working at least 10 years there so she knows we're not supposed to be bothered, that the child has a mild disease and that I was going to come back after 1 hour. So it was a power move to make me look bad. So I said twice that I will be clearer next time even though I knew she understood what I said.

I think she was taking revenge because I confronted her 1 week ago about her going to my supervisor instead of talking to me.

The Power move was: I did not understand what you said, so YOU fucked up and should have told me.

Lessons learned:

Expect petty people to be petty. So talk to them and treat them like children. In an adult voice, but soft spoken and clear. That there might not be any misinterpretation. Ask for understanding on your counterpart.

I got hurt because she made me submit where I did not do anything wrong. As I told in another post: as I'm becoming more powerful through knowledge and connections the dynamics is shifting and they're all bamboozled. So these are the type of reactions to be expected.

According to Jocko: I won, because every time somebody is not taking responsibility for their actions, they're giving away their power to you. Since you're responsible for the situation, you get the power to change it.... and grow. It's painful in the short term, but powerful on the long term. Extreme Ownership. See below. "If you're blaming me, I see it as a psychological victory for me". The difference is that he's not getting emotional about this.

I listened to "Peak" and the reality is that people don't get better over time. They get better if they practice deliberately and if they get out of their comfort zone. So the person who tells me "I've been doing this for 10 years", now I'm a little suspicious. As this is the worst situation to be in: you built an ego around your experience. So you're even less likely to learn now. So with this book based on research I now have the data to backup my intuition: people with more experience are not necessarily better than those with little experience. Especially, if they keep doing over and over outdated protocols (sad but true) or don't understand the science behind the protocols.

Once more, I underestimated the ego nurses have. I now take it upon myself to build good relationships with them, even though they're assholes or think they're so good as a person or as a professional. I can see it now.

Writing in my journal is a productive way of processing these painful emotions that I can feel sometimes at work.

New story with manipulative nurse.

So I take care of a patient and I have to go to the morning meeting. It's important and she knows it: they are not supposed to call us during this time. Before I leave I tell her that we're going to treat him and then he'll be able to go home most certainly. So she knew that after the 1 hour meeting I was going to be back to check on him. She still calls me during the meeting. Another colleague takes the call from my phone. When I go downstair everything was fine because the patient has a mild disease and another resident that I had hand off the patient to was taking care of him.

But the nurse was pissed off against me because "I did not tell her and she did not know what to say to the child's mother". I told her that I thought it was Well, she's been working at least 10 years there so she knows we're not supposed to be bothered, that the child has a mild disease and that I was going to come back after 1 hour. So it was a power move to make me look bad. So I said twice that I will be clearer next time even though I knew she understood what I said.

I think she was taking revenge because I confronted her 1 week ago about her going to my supervisor instead of talking to me.

The Power move was: I did not understand what you said, so YOU fucked up and should have told me.

Lessons learned:

Expect petty people to be petty. So talk to them and treat them like children. In an adult voice, but soft spoken and clear. That there might not be any misinterpretation. Ask for understanding on your counterpart.
I got hurt because she made me submit where I did not do anything wrong. As I told in another post: as I'm becoming more powerful through knowledge and connections the dynamics is shifting and they're all bamboozled. So these are the type of reactions to be expected.
According to Jocko: I won, because every time somebody is not taking responsibility for their actions, they're giving away their power to you. Since you're responsible for the situation, you get the power to change it.... and grow. It's painful in the short term, but powerful on the long term. Extreme Ownership. See below. "If you're blaming me, I see it as a psychological victory for me". The difference is that he's not getting emotional about this.
I listened to "Peak" and the reality is that people don't get better over time. They get better if they practice deliberately and if they get out of their comfort zone. So the person who tells me "I've been doing this for 10 years", now I'm a little suspicious. As this is the worst situation to be in: you built an ego around your experience. So you're even less likely to learn now. So with this book based on research I now have the data to backup my intuition: people with more experience are not necessarily better than those with little experience. Especially, if they keep doing over and over outdated protocols (sad but true) or don't understand the science behind the protocols.
Once more, I underestimated the ego nurses have. I now take it upon myself to build good relationships with them, even though they're assholes or think they're so good as a person or as a professional. I can see it now.
Writing in my journal is a productive way of processing these painful emotions that I can feel sometimes at work.

#26 · October 6, 2020, 4:22 pm

Interesting situation, John.

A couple of ideas out the top of my head:

Indirectly confronting her for pretending not to know there was a meeting

One possible power move to answer provocation, imagine this said very slowly, and with an air of "what the fuck are you just saying":

You did not know we have a 1h meeting in the morning?

You are indirectly saying: "are you pretending you did know about the morning meeting that we have as a routine"?

The intonation/expression is like The Godfather saying "you straighten my brother out?":

Deny her frame of "there is a big problem", make her look hysteric

When she confronted you angry, you might have unwillingly accepted her frame of "something was terribly wrong".

Instead, you could have reacted in very calm way, almos surprised, with an expression of "what the hell are you talking about, all is fine here".

(makes unneded problem out of thin air)
You: No (refuses to accept the "emergency frame"), I've just seen the kid. He is OK and the mother has been informed
Her: (agitated) I didn't know what to say!!
You: (calm) The mother was informed, the kid is fine
Her: you should have told me, you didn't make it clear
You: (calm) I'm not sure about that (refuse to take sides on the "blame game"), but in any case, all is good now (=stop being an hysterical bitch, move on)

Basically, you refuse to accept there was any problem at all. Or, if there was a "problem" it was so inconsequential that she's been an idiot for overreacting so badly.

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#27 · October 6, 2020, 4:23 pm

P.S.: (sarcastic mode on) it's good to be back from holiday with those great colleagues, eh? 😀

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#28 · October 6, 2020, 4:41 pm

Thank you very much for your feed-back, Lucio! This will be very useful for other situations when people try to make me (or other forum members) look bad by making a big problem from something small. This is a common tactics.

Thanks to you, now I understand why I felt bad: because I accepted her frame that I did something wrong whereas I did not.

P.S.: (sarcastic mode on) it's good to be back from holiday with those great colleagues, eh? ?

Man, don't tell me about it. I'm currently depressed because of that. I don't recall the number of times I thought: "Oh this colleague is actually alright!" to later find out: "meh, actually not."

The whole culture is fucked up. If you build a (country/work) culture of "me-first", you create a fertile soil for these kinds of things to happen. Everyone is left to fend for themselves. In these situations, bad leadership is amplified as the people downstream re-organize themselves for their own convenience rather than around a common mission.

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#29 · October 6, 2020, 10:15 pm

It's a common tactic, yes.

We reviewed it here, including a good exampel, in a different setting: relationships ("how women control relationships").

Those high emotions, especially for calmer men, work like dynamite.
The man, not used to over-the-top emotions, interprets it like real danger and emergency, even if often there is no justification for all that uproar.

So unless you're prepared for it, the tendency is always to buy into that frame.

And since those emotions point at you as the culprit, the tendency is to think "uh-oh, if she's so upset about it, she must have a point. Let me appease her, before it gets even worse". Of course, sometimes she has a point, but many other times, she doesn't.

Hold in there strong, John :).
We are with you in spirit.

You're the enlightened beacon of light now in the toxic environment. Your victories are our victories :).

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#30 · October 7, 2020, 9:51 am

Hold in there strong, John :).
We are with you in spirit.

You're the enlightened beacon of light now in the toxic environment. Your victories are our victories :).

Thanks! My mindset related to that comes from Tom Bilyeu: "Life is nothing but Practice". So all of this is a learning experience. I would just rather be surrounded by higher quality people with a better mindset. I know I will find it. All of this is preparing me for the next stage.