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My Journey to Power
Also it’s very different to boycott someone (freedom of choice) than to try to prevent someone from working through pressure on potential employers.
The attending colleague who’s a power player contacted me during my holiday (a no-no) about work matters via WhatsApp.
Actually he wants to know if I’m ok to switch days so he can do a training. Many manipulation attempts already (many “please”).
I thought about ignoring and answering him on Monday but it did not feel congruent. So I told him:
I’ll look into it when I’m back. See you.
To me his message is highly disrespectful as many things he did so far. For more context he succeeded in the past in having 3 weeks of holiday in a row when we can only have 2 in a row. So a big privilege. He found a place with nice people he can manipulate.
It is disrespectful as:
1. I’m on holiday so not supposed to talk about work problems. Especially on my private phone. I’m considering talking about it with my supervisors.
2. what he’s asking is for his own benefit only.
3. it’s unimportant and non-urgent (this training is in 1.5 month, plenty of time). No life to save with this message.
I thought about setting boundaries with message but this is not good. I will set it in person. I will use the: “when we are on holiday we are not to receive messages from work”. Instead of personal boundaries: “when I’m on holiday I don’t want to get messages from work”.
So in our team I now count 3 manipulators on a total of 14 people.
I’m also considering saying “no” and make up some excuses. I don’t want to help him get more training and I don’t think he will reciprocate. I just don’t trust him anymore as he has proven to be very selfish. I also don’t want to help him with a favour as he is bothering me during my holidays. I’ll just lie and say I have something already reserved with my friends.
This morning had a nice philosophical conversation at the hostel.
Adam said that we can solve problem "temporarily" or "definitely". This made me think about cigarette which solves the problem of anxiety, boredom or loneliness temporarily.
Going through PU I could answer my own question: several times a resident was using our computer in our attending office in our absence.
It’s an office reserved to attendings. She was looking for me and I was not there in the office she started to do things on the computer. It’s not a privacy matter: she uses here own password and account. It’s a matter of “I can touch your stuff”. I did not care but I was still a bit bothered. Since I like her I decided to let it slip. But this set a precedent and she did it several times.
So now I won’t allow it anymore. Again even if I don’t sound like it I’m pretty equalitarian. So in my mind it was: we can use the computers in their office so why could they not use the ones in our office (since the profile is on the network and not on the computer). The answer is: hierarchy.
It’s normal that we have certain privileges as higher up. One of them is for us to have our own office which is not accessible in our absence to our subordinates.
It’s like if I would be looking for my boss in her office. She’s not there so I log on her computer???
This is a no-no and I’ve been too nice/soft.
That’s the unfortunate truth: even if you want to be a nice supervisor if you don’t put boundaries even “nice” people will step on you. You can give all the coaching and value you want. If you depend on the good will of other people to respect you you are power down.
As Lucio said: “you demand respect.”
Yep, agree, I think it was appropriate.
And it was a bad move to impinge on her side.
At the very least she should have asked "is it OK if... ". And even then, limited the times she'd do it, and re-ask every time.
Thank you very much for your answer, Lucio!
Helpful to know that I’m not off with my reasoning.
Hello,
I post it in my journal as I don't think it's worth a thread. Jordan Belfort says Grand Cardone is a moron:
Yesterday we did a week-end with my friends for my birthday (not my real date but good week-end for the weather).
We hiked, camped and went down the river. It was cool. But again JB made fun of me. I noticed he does it to everyone. It is social climbing and it is disagreeable. I got closer to my 3 other friends with whom we can share philosophy and stuff.
I noticed I don't like this one-upping. I understand it's a social game amongst men. But it can be more or less. And yes it makes people laugh but I think there are other ways of laughing.
For instance I'm the oldest so he told them I had haemorrhoids (not true). He made fun of me while I was within earshot but did not hear the "joke". I told him:
Me: what did you say?
Him: I was making fun of you
Me: Yes, I understood that. Can I be let in on the joke? (tasking)
Him: [tells the "joke" about haemorrhoids]
He also told them things that he was supposed not to tell them. Or that I would not have told other people if I knew these things about a friend.
So again not what a close friend would do. I don't do that to him. To push him down socially. I now know with him it's a status game and he makes fun of other people to do that. I now know he does not want me to be the leader. Even if I do not push for it. Yes, I organized the week-end but then I let it free flow and we all participate in equal measure. I led them to do certain things but I also let them lead me to do certain things. So it was equal.
It was more of a disappointment than anything else. It did not affect me much emotionally thanks to my improved self-esteem and self-confidence. My travel in England showed me that I can be alone without feeling lonely.
So even if I like to do certain activities with them I decided I need new better friends. I will get closer to the ones who don't fuck me behind my back and further from him. I will also go to "GoSocial" events. Events organized on WA by expats.
So it's exciting as I'm confident I can find people who respect me more. I don't want to play these games. Yes it's normal to make fun of one another from now and then and to try to climb the social hierarchy of the group. However, not like this. It's not red level but it's orange. It's the same feeling at work when people social climb on me. I'm pretty laid back and non-confrontational guy. So I prefer to be around people who are like that and don't feel like social climbing out of insecurity.
The only thing that I'm not sure about is either to tell him: "you know it's not cool to make fun of a friend behind his back". Something I could have said also when he did it. Or just see him less. I'll think about it. But I had enough of his attitude. I don't want to enter into an open conflict with him otherwise he might make it more difficult to see other group members. I also know thanks to the latest conversation here that people don't like when you go assertive/eagle on them.
So that would create some resentment knowing him. So I think I will just make new choices and prioritize him less.
I also don't expect him to change as he likes too much to make fun of people. When I could have made fun of him I did not because that's just not the person I am. I'll make fun of my friends in front of my friends, yes. But I think I make jokes about things that make them laugh along as well. Not ridiculizing them. And not as often.
We'll see.
As Lucio said, those are not my friends. Those are people I need to put boundaries with.
What I've been experimenting with is to let people make fun of me. Because if I never let people make fun of me then I'm the guy "who does not laugh about himself". So I become the "serious guy who takes himself too seriously". However, now I'm finding that it's ok to let people make fun of you for something that you would also make fun in them and that is not an insecurity.
Making fun of people using their insecurities as in my case (my apartment not being finished, my age, being single) is plain mean. I admit I have these insecurities and that I have to work on them. However this does not allow other people to use them against me. It's normal to have insecurities. Everyone has them. It's respectful not to make fun of other people's insecurities.
For instance I don't make fun of my friends who have insecurities about them having shit jobs that they don't like. Or that they still live with room mates at age 35. Because I don't judge them for it. For me it's their life situation. It does not make them inferior to me or to anyone else in any shape or form.
So I think it's just mean to make fun of people's insecurities and/or to make them look bad in other people's eyes. It's now my responsibility to enforce boundaries.
I will be more discerning. If someone one-ups me, makes fun of me or treat me poorly I won't consider friends. Of course it can happen from now and then but if it's a pattern, they're not my friends.
With JB, I know that if I enforce boundaries and let him know that I did not find cool some of the things he said he will use it against me to say that I'm fragile to other friends. So I cannot be vulnerable with him or he will use it against me. So definitely not a friend. It took me some time to realize it since I wanted so bad for us to be friends. But I must accept it now and for good. Otherwise he will steal more status from me and this will compromise the friendships I can have with the other people in the group.
Also when I'm with my friends, I noticed sometimes I go into "follower" mode as I prefer to relax and don't want to be domineering. However, I'll be more cognizant to be in "leader" mode even if I don't lead at all times.
The good thing is that I need to hang out with those guys to learn how to behave in a group of guys more. At work I'm most of the times with women who have a different way of relating plus it's work. With guys there are constant status battles and I must become aware/ready for it.
So this group is good for me to develop my masculinity.
I also think that me being kind and having high social status in a way puts a target on my back more.
I now understand there is a difference between teasing and making fun of.
Teasing is making fun of the person with the person ok to go along with it.
Making fun is social climbing on the person.
With JB it was the last straw: now I say "stop" to him making fun of me. He makes fun when I talked about empowerment. So too much disrespect.
