Quote from John Freeman on October 27, 2023, 12:09 am

And I feel sad and hurt for it.

Correction

Quote from John Freeman on November 10, 2023, 8:03 am

This is where I’m at right in my life right now:

I have identified that most of the challenges I’m facing in terms of self-development come from childhood complex psychological trauma. That means that due to repeated early trauma. The nice guy syndrome, letting people walk over me, self-esteem, self-confidence, anxious attachment, addictions. I also now suspect it’s the case for many people. And probably here as well.

So the next step is healing this trauma. I will speak about it with my psychologist.

Having identified anxious attachment as a major issue I now understand that it’s also the root cause (more than being a gifted adult) of my challenges in relationships. At work, in friendships, with my family and in intimate relationships.

Of course I started working on it. I am now therefore more detached from other people’s opinions about me. I also care less if people like me or not. It feels liberating.

So now the whole question is: what do I want?

Here is a draft but I’ll be working on it:

Work: I want to become a pediatric emergency physician. Yes it’s hard. Yes there will be nights and weekend. But I see myself as a warrior in the sense that I like when things are challenging. I found that I’m happier than in comfort paradoxically. My mission is still my priority in life as it gives me purpose. So I’ll have to balance it with the rest anyway. I understood that despite it’s my priority it’s important not to overinvest it otherwise I will underinvest other part of my life.

Friendship: I already wrote here that it is very important to me. I do my best to be the best friend I can be. I found that my friends don’t care the same as I do. It’s ok. It’s also liberating as I know I can make friends everywhere. I know I bring great value in terms of acceptance, support, fun, advice. So I’m confident I can always make new friends.

Self-development: I found that I’m also the happiest when working on myself. Again comfort is not my friend. Thanks to Lucio I now know self-acceptance is a priority for me. I agree and I’m grateful for this advice. As he pointed out in his recent thread and through the advice he gave me I can also recognize that it can also be a trap. If all one does is self-development then there is no more room for the rest and it becomes absurd. So balance again. I’m already good as I am and now it’s about tweaking, I’m quoting here but it’s helpful for me. I have to balance listening to books and listening to pediatric podcasts. Basically make a choice. I haven’t yet. Self-development is more enjoyable for me but is it more valuable now than learning knowledge about my craft. I’ll figure it out.

I’ll write more later.

Quote from John Freeman on November 10, 2023, 7:39 pm

Health: my plan is still to get into the 10-15% total body fat and have a muscular body. It's the same plan I have had for some time now. The thing is that I let other things get in the way. I understand that if I don't make a priority it won't happen. That means that it must come before the other things in my life. There are practical challenges here. For instance it takes me 4 hours (yes) daily to commute to work. Since I have not bought a car yet it's a fixed time cost. With a car, it drops down to 1.5 hours. So with these additional 2.5 hours I could work out more easily. The challenge is that I must save money for the car so I'm waiting on my 13th salary at the end of the year.

Love: I went on a date with a very pretty girl in Switzerland. We'll see where it goes but I'm still focussed on maximizing my options. I have high standards but mostly certain goals in that regards and I'm dedicated to reaching them. I wrote a big post about my goals in my journal. So all I will add is that my goal is to have enough options to find a long term partner.

Family: well I don't see my family often so it's not a real issue. I was in Morocco last week and will write about it in a longer post. My plan here is to see them 1-2x a year. I'm also in the process to make our family tree.

Finance: as I already said my frustration comes from having worked and studied so much and not having the corresponding purchasing power. Well, first that's my choice. As I started a new field from zero of course this has a financial cost. Also I am now at peace to not earn as much as in my country if I would be to move. Otherwise I would never move. Something else to consider is that I could actually have a better standard of living due to decreased cost of living in said country. So I'm opening my mind to that now. Who cares if my friends back home earn more? I'm living my life not comparing mine with theirs.

So as one can see, priorities are the real challenge here.

So if I sum it up, my current priorities are: health, work and love... aaand self-development. I cannot get this out as it's my passion. I'm passionate about the process of self-transformation. The ability to change oneself is something that I'm fascinated with. So I must come up with realistic plan on these. I must also build momentum on these. I must focus on these and let the other things fall out. That's the price I have to pay.

So there are many projects/things I want to do. So that means: more work! And I'm actually totally fine with it as I find purpose in these goals. As I said sometime ago I feel again like I'm in the driver seat of my life. So I feel like doing these things makes me go forward.

However, I found how to combine work + love.

To move forward in my work goals it's best if I work in a larger city/country as like one of my mentors told me: "I don't see anything really you have to improve on (he meant I don't have any big weakness to fix). What you must do is to see more severe cases". And more severe cases are either in intensive care or emergency of a larger hospital. And larger hospitals are found in larger cities.

So this is how these 2 combine: through finding a big city in a foreign country to work in pediatric emergency or intensive care. And there I'll have more options in terms of dating. That means leaving the beautiful lake and nature of Switzerland behind :( But as Andre Gide said:

Man cannot discover new oceans unless he has the courage to lose sight of the shore. - Andre Gide

And I want to sail again. I learned to love my country so this is not an escape plan. This is an adventure plan.

Oh and here in Brussels one of the teachers is working at the pediatric intensive care in a large hospital in Brussels. Of course, I'll ask here some advice.

More intel I could gather from participant in the course:

• Salary in Brussels in adult emergency would be around 6-7000 euros, given that I'm hired as an attending which won't likely be the case
• Salary in Charleroi in adult emergency is around 10-15'000 euros

Using Numbeo I see that I would have to earn about 4600 euros to have the same standard of living as I have now.

So good intel overall.

Quote from John Freeman on November 13, 2023, 2:34 pm

Something I thought about: it’s a lot about value (status being a reflection of it).

Many times people want us to believe that we’re lower value that we actually are. It makes sense. If we believe that we’re worth 5 and the other person is worth 8 we’re going to work harder and provide more value. But if we’re actually are worth 10 the person gets twice the value he would have gotten. Or maybe he would have got no value at all if we would have been aware we are worth 10. We would maybe have not considered the exchange.

Sometimes it’s because people sincerely believe we are worth 5. So it’s up to us to value us to our “real” value. Knowing it’s relative but still. That means valuing our qualities and work.

In dating the difference imbalance between men and women is often times in value. They start to treat us as low value (since we are more abundant, we are the offer they are the demand) and it’s up to us to display high value (without qualifying ourselves which is a low value behaviour). Then they recognize us as higher value than them and then they are the ones to work to compensate for the value imbalance.

Priorities

I figured out my priorities:

1. Health: building my body
2. Dating
3. Work

If I don’t put health first I’m never going to achieve my goal. It’s clear to me now. It will be challenging as putting work in 3rd position is a risky move. But it will be ok I can do it.

Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on November 13, 2023, 4:10 pm

Great points, John.

Very personal thought I have on this, and not really based on anything except my opinion, so feel free to ignore:

 

Quote from John Freeman on November 13, 2023, 2:34 pm

Priorities

I figured out my priorities:

1. Health: building my body

I'd personally consider health VS building one's body (I suppose you mean muscular there) quite different.

I'd even make sure to call them differently, since how we call things impacts how we think about things, and often how we act.

Often, health is easier (as well as more important).
Sometimes, the two may even be inversely related, if one pushes it too much and/or skimps on rest/sleep just to add one more training session.
Health also gains from more cardo and general movement, which building one's body does not (or not nearly as much).

As for everything, balance. I do exercise.
But I still consider health VS muscles very different, and that also reflects a lot on how I live and train.

Edit:
In this sense, I think that the current cultural environment contributes to mixing the two.
The bodybuilders call themselves "fitness influencers" and I'd bet they're not any healthier than those who take care of themselves but don't go to the gym. And various gym bros and gym podcasters also classify themselves as "health and fitness".
In a way, it was a smart manipulative power move from that industry: so if you wanna be healthy, you gotta pass through them (if one buys that frame, at least).

Quote from John Freeman on November 14, 2023, 11:00 am

Hello Lucio,

thank you very much it makes sense I agree with you. Based on your feed-back here is my new priorities:

1. Body building and cardio: what I call "my transformation"
2. Dating
3. Work
4. Self-development

Woke up from a nap with new ideas:

Life is short. I don't have time to waste (goes back to your philosophy) and nothing to lose. I'm ok if I don't earn more than 10'000 euros a month for the rest of my life. It will still allow me to do everything I want: basically travel (and nice clothes). I don't need a house even though it makes sense financially speaking. I have to take risks.

Also, yesterday I had this idea, which goes back with having nothing to lose: I'm going to apply to the cities I mentioned. In parallel I'll test my profile in these cities. I'll do both in parallel. Otherwise, I'll regret not having tried. I'm getting older and my SMV will soon start to go down. After my experience in Brussels I could see the massive difference in dating opportunities. My career will advance no matter what if I keep working and studying. Maybe I won't be an executive but it's ok since I prefer for the moment the leadership in the field. We'll see. I know since a long time I don't want to be a professor since life of a professor is too unbalanced. So for all of the above, I'll stay ambitious but I don't need to be too ambitious.

Also I see that I need to go hard on my goals. It was cool to do my hobbies (board games, etc.) for a time and laugh with my friends but my hobbies won't lead me where I want to go. And not of all these moments are too important since it's fun but fun in itself is not a goal.

Also, I watched a short video from Mark Manson. He talks about buddhism and that life is suffering. I was aware of this since a long time. What's new is that he says that what you can choose is the pain you'll experience. Again he talked about this about the shit sandwich (we actually choose what we can bear in life: pain of going through numbers as an accountant or the pain of uncertainty as artist) in the past. Here he takes the parallel with the pain of exercising or the pain of being unhealthy, the pain of being alone vs the pain of a relationship, etc.). So it's empowering as we can choose our pain. I'll choose my pain.

Quote from Kavalier on November 14, 2023, 9:49 pm

Hello, John! Quick recommendation regarding training/health/strength, I think this article on Barbell Medicine is solid and I've been putting that to practice since a few years.

Main take is what Lucio said:

ALL individuals (both youth and adults) should meet and/or exceed the following:

1. 150 to 300 minutes per week of moderate-intensity aerobic physical activity, OR;
2. 75 to 150 minutes per week of vigorous-intensity aerobic physical activity, AND;
3. Resistance training of moderate or greater intensity involving all major muscle groups on 2 or more days per week.

I personally follow 2 and 3 to the bare minimum. While I'm by no means huge, from time to time people still ask me whether I "pump iron", so doing some sets of the big compounds (Press, Bench, Squat, Deadlift) do give results. They have some of the best training programs on the internet too, in my opinion.

Quote from John Freeman on November 15, 2023, 7:06 am

Thank you Kavalier!

About friendship: something I noticed after a dinner + board game at my place is that the number of topics I can talk with my French friends (especially JB) is reducing:

1. Saying I'm looking for blonde women --> getting shamed for it
2. Talking about dating markets --> no such thing, it's a glitch from the apps
3. Talking about spirituality/philosophy --> gets reframed in "psychology and mental"

So I self-censor. And this makes me feel not as close. So what I see is that JB is not as open-minded and accepting as I thought. It's like my friends from my hometown: cool people but narrow-minded in the end. By narrow-minded I mean not willing to consider different ideas from the ones they have.

What a friend would do when a friend presents new ideas would be to ask questions to understand. So now I accept it but it's a bit frustrating. That's why I don't feel like seeing them as often.

Quote from John Freeman on November 17, 2023, 8:00 pm

Another success for TPM: I got an excellent 6 months performance review. I hit "excellent" on almost all items. They also gave me advice for the next part of my career and proposed me to stay longer if I did not find a job by May (my next priority).

Thank you guys, part of this success I owe it to you.

I mean it: yes I did it but all the advice I got here over the years is what I'm grateful for. It's brick by brick that I could improve my mindset and behaviour that is conducive to this success thanks to you guys. Without these I would not have reached this current success.