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Not liking my partner's friends
I'm in a happy stable long-term relationship, and there are a few issues I've been working on to deposit social capital and create a deeper bond. One of them is that, I have trouble with a few of my partner's friends, especially the high dominance low warmth ones. I don't understand why my partner likes hanging out with them, but I respect his choices and preferences.
The thing is, he is OK with them and would like me to be involved with those people, despite that I openly said that I had trouble with their personalities/behaviors. I don't want to sour the relationship by directly rejecting such invitations. I also felt that I might be too honest in the past, potentially painting me as somebody who's not tolerant and open-minded. For example, recently I openly refused his suggestion of inviting two friends he personally likes very much but I have trouble with, to stay with us for a few days at our place. I felt that I could have done this more smoothly.
My question is:
How can I strategically find a sweet spot of not emotionally draining myself, but also not creating a chasm with my partner?
Some strategies I've been thinking are:
- Have better awareness of my bottomline if contact is inevitable. For example, I can agree to hang out with some of his friends with strong personality no more than twice in a month.
- Develop my own social circle, and establish a schedule to hang out with them regularly. I can probably covertly schedule a thing with my friends when my partner gives signal that he would like to schedule a thing with his friends I don't like, and I try to schedule a thing with my friends at about that time.
- Propose more activities to do with him only or with my friends.
- Schedule more "me-time" and establish a routine, and politely refuse to hang out with his friends who I don't feel comfortable with when it does interfere with my routine.
I feel some of the above might be overkill, but I also feel when straight talk was not getting me the results I want, I need to be more strategic.
All of these can help.
And a few more as well.
For example, how about the "dilute strategy".
The dilute strategy leverages the tendency for single individuals to lose power and influence over other individuals as the group grows larger.
And especially so if the people who join the group are your friends.
So you bring a few friends along when the annoying guys are there, dilute the annoying ones, and increase the friendly support.
So you're part of the group, but with totally different -and much better- dynamics. You can interact with your friends, sit close to them... And then exchange a few words with those people you don't like as well.
But you won't be at their mercy anymore because you can turn around any time, and talk to some more pleasant people.
This is also great so that you won't come to depend on your partner, which is generally a situation you want to avoid.
Instead, you're the one who brings value -with more friends-.
And if your friends happen to be cool, and also not like his friends, good: now you have leverage -it's not you, it's several people who agree that they are difficult people-.
Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on July 14, 2022, 10:04 pmAll of these can help.
And a few more as well.
For example, how about the "dilute strategy".
The dilute strategy leverages the tendency for single individuals to lose power and influence over other individuals as the group grows larger.
And especially so if the people who join the group are your friends.So you bring a few friends along when the annoying guys are there, dilute the annoying ones, and increase the friendly support.
So you're part of the group, but with totally different -and much better- dynamics. You can interact with your friends, sit close to them... And then exchange a few words with those people you don't like as well.
But you won't be at their mercy anymore because you can turn around any time, and talk to some more pleasant people.This is also great so that you won't come to depend on your partner, which is generally a situation you want to avoid.
Instead, you're the one who brings value -with more friends-.And if your friends happen to be cool, and also not like his friends, good: now you have leverage -it's not you, it's several people who agree that they are difficult people-.
Yes, this sounds great too. Actually he has suggested inviting some of my friends too to activities.
In principle, after observing some high power high warmth friends, I also feel that if the people I have trouble with are only mildly annoying, I need to cultivate a stronger self so I don't get so swayed by their off-handed microaggressions or attacks (the "I'm gonna have a great time no matter what you do" attitude). Also in the most Machiavellian sense, I can openly show that I can provide value and be friends (hiding my true emotions), thereby gaining their support regardless.
Quote from Emily on July 15, 2022, 6:55 pmIn principle, after observing some high power high warmth friends, I also feel that if the people I have trouble with are only mildly annoying, I need to cultivate a stronger self so I don't get so swayed by their off-handed microaggressions or attacks (the "I'm gonna have a great time no matter what you do" attitude). Also in the most Machiavellian sense, I can openly show that I can provide value and be friends (hiding my true emotions), thereby gaining their support regardless.
Yes, great one.
Also, it's good to adapt a bit and also be a bit higher-power with them.
Sometimes it can be that we resent being disempowered by dominant folks, but if we can be higher dominance ourselves, than they won't bother us nearly as much because we aren't losing anymore.
Hello Emily,
I think with this one you answered your own question. Every strategies you and Lucio put together are great and I think may be used. They are quite advanced (diluting = PU worthy) as well. I also used diluting a couple of times.
However, the foundation that supports all these strategies is the emotional maturity to deal superficially with people you don't like. I'm not saying you should go and talk to them. However, you can be cordial. That's what Lucio calls warm-ish. You are warm, but don't expand too much emotional energy and are not too vulnerable. And yes, it is machiavellian.
They're using micro aggressions?
Good. So you can better learn to defend. These are teachers for free.
As you said you can make the best out of this situation. The difference is: now you're in control of your attitude and your strategies.
You're going to kick ass.
Quote from John Freeman on July 16, 2022, 9:27 amHello Emily,
I think with this one you answered your own question. Every strategies you and Lucio put together are great and I think may be used. They are quite advanced (diluting = PU worthy) as well. I also used diluting a couple of times.
However, the foundation that supports all these strategies is the emotional maturity to deal superficially with people you don't like. I'm not saying you should go and talk to them. However, you can be cordial. That's what Lucio calls warm-ish. You are warm, but don't expand too much emotional energy and are not too vulnerable. And yes, it is machiavellian.
They're using micro aggressions?
Good. So you can better learn to defend. These are teachers for free.
As you said you can make the best out of this situation. The difference is: now you're in control of your attitude and your strategies.
You're going to kick ass.
Can't agree more with the "working on self-management" comment, John.
For the last few times I knew it coming (difficult person coming to the event/party) I thought, "Oh OK let me observe what's gonna happen with this person, how I can manage the dynamic, and check how others interact with him/her". The learning attitude/sheer curiosity eased my nerves quite a bit.
Emily, this is a great topic. I struggled with this myself - in my case, it's the partner of my friend that I don't like.
She was nice and warm initially and hang out regularly with us (me and my husband) a lot. One day, for whatever reason, she went radio silent and didn't contact/reach out to us for a few months. That left us feeling quite perplexed - we even asked our friend (her husband) what happened but he just gave a vague answer. Since then, there has always been tense energy whenever I interact with her now and then. Even though I try to tell myself, I shouldn't be so emotionally swayed by her presence and just need to be diplomatic enough, it's pretty tough in practice. If you have any tips on how to cultivate that stronger self, I'm all ears
Quote from dsnw2022 on July 26, 2022, 8:23 pmEmily, this is a great topic. I struggled with this myself - in my case, it's the partner of my friend that I don't like.
She was nice and warm initially and hang out regularly with us (me and my husband) a lot. One day, for whatever reason, she went radio silent and didn't contact/reach out to us for a few months. That left us feeling quite perplexed - we even asked our friend (her husband) what happened but he just gave a vague answer. Since then, there has always been tense energy whenever I interact with her now and then. Even though I try to tell myself, I shouldn't be so emotionally swayed by her presence and just need to be diplomatic enough, it's pretty tough in practice. If you have any tips on how to cultivate that stronger self, I'm all ears
Sorry to hear this!
We take emotional toll when people suddenly become distant for no apparent reason. This is already concerning because she didn't give you any signs why this was, and just became passive aggressive. But whatever it is, you can always ask, plainly and calmly, in a relaxed environment, something like:
I enjoyed our time hanging out regularly before, I don't feel our friendship is the same anymore. Can you tell me what happened?
I think it's a great opportunity to assess this person's character. If this seems to be a lot, you can take it as an opportunity to learn, to set boundaries and practice emotional detachment (walk away power).
Of course, this depends on how valuable you think your relationship with her is.
Another part of it, is to accept that things change, and being adaptive and strong in this evergoing tide.
