Former Community – We Moved
🆕 Coached community here, for posts & feedback public community here.
On giving compliments to a beautiful woman
If someone calls you “brilliant” or “talented,” they’re making a judgment about who you are as a person. There are multiple cultures/theories that maintain that judging others is not a good thing (for example Non Violent Communication). From the bits of TPM I've read (not the judge article ☺ ) it seems to me that TPM advocates taking the judge role because it holds power.
Many dating gurus also suggest not to give compliments to pretty girls because they have heard it often and then you are not memorable. It goes with 'putting the woman in a pedestal.'
I'm with a very pretty woman right now and she inspires me. I often tell her how pretty she is (to me), and I think this is empowering for her. I'm coming from a very strong non-needy frame, in case you are wondering.
So on one side, giving compliments is judging; taking the judge role seems to be a good power move. Plus everyone likes to hear good things about themselves; in that sense, compliments are good! You are giving value and building the other person up.
On the other side, "judging is bad for building a relationship", and complimenting a woman is pedestalling, etc.
Which one is right?
I don't compliment other women as much; this one inspires me. But I really wonder if I'm 'doing it wrong.'
Hi there LOF,
In the context of a committed relationship, I don't think you're disempowering yourself by giving your partner compliments... perhaps if there was a significant power imbalance in the relationship, and those compliments were coming from a place of seeking approval and validation, it would be different, but from what you describe it sounds like you're just expressing appreciation for your partner and helping her feel good, no?
i tend to agree that, early on in the courtship or pickup stage, giving compliments can be problematic... if using a compiment to initiate a conversation, I would stick to complimenting clothes or accessories, not their physicality, as there's a big difference between 'you are beautiful' and 'you have good enough taste to acquire something beautiful'...
one of my favourite openers when I was into pickup was to put on a stunned expression and exclaim 'oh my God - you're nearly as beautiful as me!'... sort of a double-edged compliment with a touch of arrogance... it invariably got a laugh... ;)
Lucas
Well, I think there are a few important notes here to make:
- Not every compliment is created equal to become a judge.
And the ones based on looks are often the least suited for a judge role.
Exceptions always apply of course, and if one person is starved or very low self-esteem in that regard, it might might different.
But that's rarely the case for pretty women.
- In a relationship, you rarely take the judge role based on compliments, and more by virtue of who you are
I don't remember who said, but it sounded a bit like this:
Only the applause of valued people carries any value.
Which is a way of saying "only high-value people become judges", and often independently of what they appreciate on.
I think LOF is a high-value guy, so probably he shouldn't worry too much about what and when he compliments on :).
- The power dynamics of interest-level (of which compliments is part of) is more important early on, less later on
It's early on that dynamics of interest / chasing / investment matter most (there is a new lesson in PU on the crucial power-related aspects to watch out for).
We sometimes say here that "early interactions are fragile".
The other side of the coin is that "mature relationships are stronger".
So you don't need to be as watchful as in the beginning.
If, as you say, you come from a non-needy frame, and I'd end to believe it from what I've read, then chances are that you're good.
Edit:
Read Lucas later on, and we pretty much said the same thing.
So that's your X2 confirmation :D
I liked the "almost as beautiful as me" opener by the way.
Today I just said hi to a woman with a cool had by opening with it. And when I realized she was more confident than I expected, I soon added "it's almost as beautiful as mine". Then she cracked.
Thanks and awesome that you both said the same thing; this is speaking volumes for the coherence of the material taught here. If several practitioners who had read (or in the case of Lucio, written) the same material could not agree on a 'diagnostic', we'd be f*cked. But, no, not so far. Great news!
And thanks Lucio for "LOF is a high-value guy." Pity you are not in Berlin anymore. If you ever come back even for a visit give me a shout, I'd love to take you out for dinner :)
Which one is the "new lesson in PU on the crucial power-related aspects to watch out for"? I'm only on lesson 009; I must hurry up because that sounds relevant for me!
Quote from leaderoffun on January 23, 2022, 12:31 amThanks and awesome that you both said the same thing; this is speaking volumes for the coherence of the material taught here. If several practitioners who had read (or in the case of Lucio, written) the same material could not agree on a 'diagnostic', we'd be f*cked. But, no, not so far. Great news!
And thanks Lucio for "LOF is a high-value guy." Pity you are not in Berlin anymore. If you ever come back even for a visit give me a shout, I'd love to take you out for dinner 🙂
Yeah, and even above TPM, I think it tells a lot about "smart practitioners of life" who tend to converge on certain important topics -some of which are then codified into TPM's approaches-.
And about Berlin, I actually come and go in and out and stop for a few days / weeks.
And I just got here last week, so if we can find the time, we can do that.
Quote from leaderoffun on January 23, 2022, 12:31 amWhich one is the "new lesson in PU on the crucial power-related aspects to watch out for"? I'm only on lesson 009; I must hurry up because that sounds relevant for me!
It's the dating module, the overview of power dynamics in dating.
