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Ortega's Journal: On Power
Hello TPM community,
I'm looking forward to starting my journal entries and hopefully add some value to the community as well as to myself through thoughtful reflections/observations.
Cheers to all of our self development journeys, may we all soar with the eagles.
Hello Carlos and good to see you in this area of the forum.
May we all soar with the eagles.-love that line!
"I'm going to ignore you said that"Â
Context:
I was with my (dark triad) female friend, very power aware, almost sociopathic - has some signs, one of them (from what I read from Lucio) being the way she tries to oust her Mom and get on her Dad's good side, and countless power moves. She talks about how she's more attractive than other girls and guys, etc (signs of narcissism) and, naturally, she's in track to become president of her sorority (Machiavellis at the top). Maybe I'm wrong and she's just power aware and not very eagle-like.
My gf is (pretending to be) friends with her, she was my friend first and my gf could tell that she liked me, but since my gf was on the we can all have same-sex friends mindset she tolerated her and they got "closer."
Anyways, she stayed with us for the weekend since we had a house party planned and stuff. After a fun night, the next morning we are all hungover.
I'm reading (Underboss and loving it!) on the table while my gf's making brunch and she's apparently cleaning up the living room (where she slept), then she comes to me and says:
Her: Hey, the trash needs to be taken out (tasking) you seem like you needed something to do
Me: uhh sure (got up a little too quick, alas, power loss), what are YOU doing? (maybe in reaction to her implied frame of we should be doing something productive)
Her: I'm going to ignore you just said that. (with a tone of how dare you question my contribution)
Me: ... (staring waiting for an actual response)
She ends up explaining a little perhaps to avoid coming across as confrontational.
Then a little later she's gaining some momentum from earlier tasking move:
Me: Getting coffee
Her: you're not gonna get your gf any coffee?! Be a gentleman (more tasking)
Me: babe do you want any? (without looking at my friend)
Alternative response: Hey, she can speak up for herself
Ways I would handle the first task better:
Her: Hey, can you go take out the trash you seem like you need something to do
Response 1: yeah let's get this house cleaned up, good idea. (power aligning)
Response 2: I'll get it in a sec (taking ownership, maybe even go to the bathroom first)
Regardless, acting and speaking slower would've helped convey that effortlessness better. I'm usually better at this but the hang-xiety got the best of me I guess.
I think you did very well on the first one.
The fact she backtracked and justified proves you checked it well.
On the second, I think a good way to handle it could be to revert it back to her:
Her: you're not gonna get your gf any coffee?! Be a gentleman (more tasking)
You: you didn’t sleep well tonight? relax… (smile)
Hello, guys
My take would be not to abandon your frame: you're chilling, reading a book, on a hung-over weekend morning, there's no need to jump on household chores
Her: Hey, the trash needs to be taken out (tasking) you seem like you needed something to do
You: just relax, X. Thanks for helping with the room, but the chores can be dealt with later. So, do you like to read? (make conversation with her)
For now, I'd be ignoring her frame, which is very disempowering, and making a mental note about it. For this reason I also think that saying nothing and putting non-verbal pressure on her (staring) was also a good move. Still, don't be afraid to be assertive with her and tell her what she's doing is not cool.
About the coffee... my personal opinion is that, when you're a host, always be pro-active in offering what you're getting for yourself to the people present. This is more about good manners than a hard rule, but as you can see, saves you trouble. If your wife is preparing the food, then it's also fair to give something back. I like "babe do you want any? (without looking at my friend)" better as a response. Then you also offer coffee to your guest.
Hello,
I liked the "you didn't sleep well tonight.. relax (smile)" similar to the "someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed today" in terms of framing rude or snarky behavior with the person.
Kavalier, that's a good reminder to start ignoring frames more often will work on that. I didn't go the assertive route and call out the bossiness because it was easy to frame me as not wanting to help out, lazy, etc. since the trash was overflowing, albeit I could've bucked the frame with the one you suggested (no need to jump on household chores).
I gotta work on being a better host that's for sure.
Thank you guys for the comments.
