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People calling you nicknames power moves
Hello,
there's a friend who calls everyone "kitten", especially other men. Of course, this is babying so I told him in the past that I did not like it and he took note of it and correcting it.
However, he did it yesterday evening again without correcting. I was tired and came up unannounced to their place for a surprise visit (roadworks on the road so I had to take a detour which brought me to their place so I wanted to also see my friends. Basically I was one-down: his territory, unannounced even if he was happy to see me.
Another friend who I'm keeping at arms length due to multiple power moves coming from him. He arrives yesterday at his place and says:
Him: What does Freeman says? (babying tone, like talking to a dog/child)
Me (thinking, not wanting to rock the boat for the same reason as above): He says good, what about you?
Him: goes on to talk about what he did that was awesome (basically he asked me the question but wanted to talk about him)
So in both cases I failed. First one to defend against a babying power move. Second one to follow his lead. I knew that if I answered the question I was following his lead. But due to me being on his territory and with a surprise visit I decide to submit.
I write this post because I think that for both cases I could have used Lucio's advice from some time ago now. I think it's a good default answer that is socially finessing:
Me: You can call me John (smile to rebuild rapport)
Example 1:
Him: Hey Kitten, blablabla
Me: You can call me John (smile to rebuild rapport)
Example 2:
Him: What does Freeman says?
Me: You can call me John (smile to rebuild rapport)
I'm happy to read your thoughts on this.
Hi John,
As to the nickname:
Yes, I would personally say what you suggest in the context of the two-pronged approach that Lucio suggested for nicknames:
- Part 1 (first time it happens that someone uses an unwanted nickname):
You: My name is John, anyway (slight smile while looking at him in the eyes).
The reason why you start with this is, as Lucio said, you don't want to turn confrontational something that could be just a misunderstanding.
- Part 2 (second time the same person uses the nickname again, onwards):
Use the "competition frame":
You: It seems you are always trying to enter into a competition with me X. I told you my name is John, not kitten, and it's getting tiring.
Repeat as needed each time, and he'll look like an idiot to everybody.
As to the question about what you have to say:
I can't believe how many times I fell for this;Â I had an aunt who would always use this on me, and I would act "lost" and "struggling for things to say".
I think the best is to refuse the tasking warmly and counter it:
You: Hahaha. I'm not the one to tell stories. What do you have to say?
But I think your answer was good and warm, because you retasked him in some way.
You could also have stopped him mid-story by telling him something like
You: Hey very interesting, I just saw a person I want to say hi to (or another excuse), please excuse me and we'll talk in a bit.
Thank you very much Bel! Very helpful!
Situation 1:
Yes, I'm still afraid to be assertive sometimes. Still this old fear of being ostracized/not liked. Working on it. Thanks! Also I wrote the other day, to be socially effective, one has to take the risk to go slightly (or very much) into agression territory. Work in progress.
Situation 2:Â
But I think your answer was good and warm, because you retasked him in some way.
Yes, that's the best I came up with on the spot. Despite him babying me since he was in the host position, I wanted to keep him at ease and in power. I kept a low profile in this case but re-tasked me, it was purposeful indeed as you noticed.
Give the whole situation, I think it was OK to let the nickname slip.
Or the other option to reply and then add "my name is John" BTW is solid.
A third option could be to call him the same way back right away.
I like this option because it's a great way to thread-expand and remind him of your past request.
How he reacts from there is also very telling: apologize, stop, or continue?
It's also good because if in the future you want to bring it up again you "bookmarked it" with your thread-expansion.
It's easier for you to open the topic because you made it obvious you noticed, and a lot harder for him to pretend he doesn't remember, or that "it was nothing".
For that other expression of "what (name or surname) has to say", it's too good a case study to keep it hidden under a thread with a different name.
So feel free to open a new thread for it (either John or Bel or anyone else, it's a common expression anyone has encountered I think).
