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People responding for you with lies

#1 · March 24, 2023, 6:01 pm

Quote from DGX37 on March 24, 2023, 6:01 pm
This really connects two things I really have trouble to deal with, people responding for me and people saying lies jokingly ( sometimes obvious lies, sometimes not ).
Example:

I am lying on a coach, because I don't feel like doing much.
Mother: What, are you sleeping? ( Not really. )
Sibling: Yeah, he was sleeping for past two hours ( said in a joking tone, but mother has no idea so it may just be truth )
Me: A lie. ( I fired off because didn't know what more to say )

This is an example of a less obvious lie, and I really wonder. If I say nothing, someone may just think something untrue about me, and it never feels right to me. If I start explaining, I feel it would seem like I'm trying to deny because there's some truth to that.
Short deny is what I thought up, but I wonder if it's a right way to handle it, and it doesn't seem to work on more obvious lie.

Example 2:

( In school, me being overall in a good mood, big smile and all )
Classmate 1: DGX37, you're always so happy.
Classmate 2: ( jokingly ) Well, he always necks vodka from the morning ( pointing at my water bottle ).
( Everyone laughs, me included )

And this I really don't know how to deal with, saying "a lie" or "no" looks stupid because it's and obvious joke. Explaining makes it even worse as if there may be a bit of truth in it. Laughing is a quick fix but even if this situation is not a problem there may be some funny obvious lies in the future that you won't find funny and those jokes also make it seem like you can use that person for laughs.
The only thing else that can be done is to keep straight face, because you don't find it funny and joke is so obvious, it just flows down and frames it as bad joke.

But to make it work I really need to change my behaviour I think, because for a long time I always just smiled and laughed at other's people jokes even if they were not funny to not fluster them, but this "nice guy" act really makes me an easy target.

What would your answer be to unobvious and obvious lie? Also feel free to point out if I made a mistake in my thinking.

This really connects two things I really have trouble to deal with, people responding for me and people saying lies jokingly ( sometimes obvious lies, sometimes not ).
Example:

I am lying on a coach, because I don't feel like doing much.
Mother: What, are you sleeping? ( Not really. )
Sibling: Yeah, he was sleeping for past two hours ( said in a joking tone, but mother has no idea so it may just be truth )
Me: A lie. ( I fired off because didn't know what more to say )

This is an example of a less obvious lie, and I really wonder. If I say nothing, someone may just think something untrue about me, and it never feels right to me. If I start explaining, I feel it would seem like I'm trying to deny because there's some truth to that.
Short deny is what I thought up, but I wonder if it's a right way to handle it, and it doesn't seem to work on more obvious lie.

Example 2:

( In school, me being overall in a good mood, big smile and all )
Classmate 1: DGX37, you're always so happy.
Classmate 2: ( jokingly ) Well, he always necks vodka from the morning ( pointing at my water bottle ).
( Everyone laughs, me included )

And this I really don't know how to deal with, saying "a lie" or "no" looks stupid because it's and obvious joke. Explaining makes it even worse as if there may be a bit of truth in it. Laughing is a quick fix but even if this situation is not a problem there may be some funny obvious lies in the future that you won't find funny and those jokes also make it seem like you can use that person for laughs.
The only thing else that can be done is to keep straight face, because you don't find it funny and joke is so obvious, it just flows down and frames it as bad joke.

But to make it work I really need to change my behaviour I think, because for a long time I always just smiled and laughed at other's people jokes even if they were not funny to not fluster them, but this "nice guy" act really makes me an easy target.

What would your answer be to unobvious and obvious lie? Also feel free to point out if I made a mistake in my thinking.

John Freeman, Mehdi ELK and Maverick have reacted to this post.

#2 · March 24, 2023, 10:46 pm

Quote from Mehdi ELK on March 24, 2023, 10:46 pm
This is really an interesting subject because I found myself also dealing with this kind of issue in either two situations:

First: when it's said in a joking manner yet it's a covert power move,

Second in more serious situation to display power by either empowering oneself and/or disempowering you in the process. Aka. I know the answer, you don't (even if you have the answer)

For the first case, it depends. Either I'll straight ignore it, looked bored (to not give the frame any more value than it's already is), or to turn it back on the guy. for example:

( In school, me being overall in a good mood, big smile and all )
Classmate 1: DGX37, you're always so happy.
Classmate 2: ( jokingly ) Well, he always necks vodka from the morning ( pointing at my water bottle ).
Me: Damn! you really seem have good experience to know that.(Pause) No wonders you're always in good mood to joke.

The second case is a little bit more difficult, for example :

Teacher: DGX37, what is the answer for XYZ?

You: (Pausing to organise your ideas).

Classmate : (Jumping of his seat) Teacher, can I respond?

In this example, the classmate want to display knowledge superiority and disempower you in the same process. Here, just respond to whatever the question and ignore the other person interruption.

A more tricky situation is when the person actually respond directly:

Person 1 : DGX37, what do you think about XYZ?

Person 2 : (interrupts you) aah, yes! XYZ is ...

This was the most annoying case, I've dealt with. An old me will go straight and say:

Me: "Person 2 name" , that was addressed to me I think.

Sometimes, it comes off as too disempowering, if the other person only tried to engage in the discussion. Otherwise, if he was pushy to be the only one heard it's another story. If he was only trying to participate and he had difficulties to do so, I'll encourage him more like :

Me:"Person 2 name" , that's a great point! XYZ is surely... (and state your point).

This is really an interesting subject because I found myself also dealing with this kind of issue in either two situations:

First: when it's said in a joking manner yet it's a covert power move,
Second in more serious situation to display power by either empowering oneself and/or disempowering you in the process. Aka. I know the answer, you don't (even if you have the answer)

For the first case, it depends. Either I'll straight ignore it, looked bored (to not give the frame any more value than it's already is), or to turn it back on the guy. for example:

( In school, me being overall in a good mood, big smile and all )
Classmate 1: DGX37, you're always so happy.
Classmate 2: ( jokingly ) Well, he always necks vodka from the morning ( pointing at my water bottle ).
Me: Damn! you really seem have good experience to know that.(Pause) No wonders you're always in good mood to joke.

The second case is a little bit more difficult, for example :

Teacher: DGX37, what is the answer for XYZ?

You: (Pausing to organise your ideas).

Classmate : (Jumping of his seat) Teacher, can I respond?

In this example, the classmate want to display knowledge superiority and disempower you in the same process. Here, just respond to whatever the question and ignore the other person interruption.

A more tricky situation is when the person actually respond directly:

Person 1 : DGX37, what do you think about XYZ?

Person 2 : (interrupts you) aah, yes! XYZ is ...

This was the most annoying case, I've dealt with. An old me will go straight and say:

Me: "Person 2 name" , that was addressed to me I think.

Sometimes, it comes off as too disempowering, if the other person only tried to engage in the discussion. Otherwise, if he was pushy to be the only one heard it's another story. If he was only trying to participate and he had difficulties to do so, I'll encourage him more like :

Me:"Person 2 name" , that's a great point! XYZ is surely... (and state your point).

John Freeman has reacted to this post.

#3 · March 25, 2023, 2:17 pm

Yeah, it's a very interesting and new scenario.

Still very different though, the dynamic of a good joke is very different than a statement.

So I'll answer the statement as per title.

I'd simply say:

What are you talking about, don't make up cr@p man

Basically, display that:

It's not true
Your displeasure with the lie

If it escalated or a discussion ensues, say you like sticking to truthful facts.

Rinse and repeat until you get more of the behavior you want.

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#4 · March 25, 2023, 3:25 pm

Quote from John Freeman on March 25, 2023, 3:25 pm
I would use humour. I think people do it purposely to you because they like the reaction they get out of you. That's what people do generally speaking. So if you don't offer them the joy of a reaction out of you like irritation or defensiveness, it's not fun anymore. For instance, if you take the lead on the joke:

I am lying on a coach, because I don't feel like doing much.
Mother: What, are you sleeping? ( Not really. )
Sibling: Yeah, he was sleeping for past two hours ( said in a joking tone, but mother has no idea so it may just be truth )
Me: Hahaha, if only! (or: Hahaha if only that was true!)

You laugh: you get it's a joke, you stick to the positive mood, you bring everyone around the joke and signal that you can laugh about yourself. BUT you deny the truth of the statement. So you come on top. You also sub-communicate that you don't deny that you like to rest so you're not trying to appear better than anyone.

( In school, me being overall in a good mood, big smile and all )
Classmate 1: DGX37, you're always so happy.
Classmate 2: ( jokingly ) Well, he always necks vodka from the morning ( pointing at my water bottle ).
You: Hahaha, it's only water I swear! (said with a big smile. You can even go further: "you want to taste?" with a smile and giving the bottle to him).

Again, you show that you get the joke, that it's ok to laugh about you but you deny in a jokingly manner.

You can also put it back on them if you want to put pressure on them without escalating:

I am lying on a coach, because I don't feel like doing much.
Mother: What, are you sleeping? ( Not really. )
Sibling: Yeah, he was sleeping for past two hours ( said in a joking tone, but mother has no idea so it may just be truth )
Me: Hahaha, if only! And you sibling? What have you been doing? (and let them justify or whatever they say, it's over and you can just leave the room: "alright I'm going to ...")

I personally would not joke back as there is the risk of escalation. I would let the joke die by itself.

I would use humour. I think people do it purposely to you because they like the reaction they get out of you. That's what people do generally speaking. So if you don't offer them the joy of a reaction out of you like irritation or defensiveness, it's not fun anymore. For instance, if you take the lead on the joke:

I am lying on a coach, because I don't feel like doing much.
Mother: What, are you sleeping? ( Not really. )
Sibling: Yeah, he was sleeping for past two hours ( said in a joking tone, but mother has no idea so it may just be truth )
Me: Hahaha, if only! (or: Hahaha if only that was true!)

You laugh: you get it's a joke, you stick to the positive mood, you bring everyone around the joke and signal that you can laugh about yourself. BUT you deny the truth of the statement. So you come on top. You also sub-communicate that you don't deny that you like to rest so you're not trying to appear better than anyone.

( In school, me being overall in a good mood, big smile and all )
Classmate 1: DGX37, you're always so happy.
Classmate 2: ( jokingly ) Well, he always necks vodka from the morning ( pointing at my water bottle ).
You: Hahaha, it's only water I swear! (said with a big smile. You can even go further: "you want to taste?" with a smile and giving the bottle to him).

Again, you show that you get the joke, that it's ok to laugh about you but you deny in a jokingly manner.

You can also put it back on them if you want to put pressure on them without escalating:

I am lying on a coach, because I don't feel like doing much.
Mother: What, are you sleeping? ( Not really. )
Sibling: Yeah, he was sleeping for past two hours ( said in a joking tone, but mother has no idea so it may just be truth )
Me: Hahaha, if only! And you sibling? What have you been doing? (and let them justify or whatever they say, it's over and you can just leave the room: "alright I'm going to ...")

I personally would not joke back as there is the risk of escalation. I would let the joke die by itself.

Lucio Buffalmano, Mehdi ELK and DGX37 have reacted to this post.

#5 · March 25, 2023, 10:58 pm

Hi DGX37, I have encountered something pretty similar too, and find it annoying, since it places me in a seeming double bind, like you said perfectly

If I say nothing, someone may just think something untrue about me, and it never feels right to me. If I start explaining, I feel it would seem like I'm trying to deny because there's some truth to that.

One of the ideas I experimented with is, making it harder for the other person to even come up with such untrue statements by reiterating that they are a liar, your response in the first example was good

Example:

I am lying on a coach, because I don't feel like doing much.
Mother: What, are you sleeping? ( Not really. )
Sibling: Yeah, he was sleeping for past two hours ( said in a joking tone, but mother has no idea so it may just be truth )
Me: Really!? That's news to me, in which world did you see me sleeping? Was it Cuckoo land perhaps? OR What a liar! Do you have nothing better to do than lie?

Or you could test to see what your mother's reaction is, if you know for a fact you could prove your sibling wrong

Me: Maa,Do you actually believe that?

Example 2:

( In school, me being overall in a good mood, big smile and all )
Classmate 1: DGX37, you're always so happy.
Classmate 2: ( jokingly ) Well, he always necks vodka from the morning ( pointing at my water bottle ).
( Everyone laughs, me included )

Me: Your mum gave it to me before I left for school 😛

Another idea, you could try is doing whatever he does back to him, and I wouldn't call this lying, you are making "assumptions" about him, bonus points to you if you are absolutely wrong in your "assumptions" about him, Initially once you meet his lies with your reply you could be the bigger man by asking him not to say untrue things about you because one you don't find it cool, and second you remind him whatever he does to you, you can do back to him.

Mav

Lucio Buffalmano has reacted to this post.

#6 · March 26, 2023, 6:09 pm

Thanks for feedback!
I find John Freeman's denying with humour a great concept for jokes that aren't demeaning or you don't have mood to be serious.

And Lucio's straight-forward method is a good way to address false statements.

Quote from ELKOUHLANI on March 24, 2023, 10:46 pm

( In school, me being overall in a good mood, big smile and all )
Classmate 1: DGX37, you're always so happy.
Classmate 2: ( jokingly ) Well, he always necks vodka from the morning ( pointing at my water bottle ).
Me: Damn! you really seem have good experience to know that.(Pause) No wonders you're always in good mood to joke.

I have doubts with a long answering, it may make seem you're frustered and insecure but it may work if one comes up with good comeback.

Quote from Maverick on March 25, 2023, 10:58 pm

One of the ideas I experimented with is, making it harder for the other person to even come up with such untrue statements by reiterating that they are a liar, your response in the first example was good

Pushing back on a lie seems like an interesting idea like "Really? When did you see me sleeping?", it shows you rejecting what he said while also making it unpleasant for him to keep on going.