People touching me (seemingly to establish dominance) when the conversation ends
Hi everyone!
I recently started to experience this pattern in my interactions:
- I meet someone
- conversation goes on
- that someone then touches me either by patting me on the back, or by patting my arm, and ends the interaction.
A recent example: I met this former partner from my former law firm, on the street. I am the first to say "hi" and this is how the interaction goes:
Me: Hey, look at who's here!
Him: Hi professor! (I sensed this was already somewhat disrespectful but found myself letting it slide. I now remember he always used to say this to me, and I never checked it)
Me: How are you?
Him: Always busy, running around. Hope this Christmas time gets over soon.
Me: You don't like it? Why?
Him: It's just that it's frenetic. Going to get Christmas presents, this and that...
Me: Ah, ok.
Him: You?
Me: Well, I am going to get a Christmas present also.
Him: As me.
Me: Yeah, I hope I then can get some rest in this period. (I think I said this to counterbalance his "busy frame", and also because I wanted to subcommunicate that after leaving the firm I was also busy with work)
Him: I also do. Well, best wishes! (he gives me two-three forceful pats on my arm, and he's gone)
Me: To you X (I called him by his name, which he btw never did).
Now my question is: in these cases (ie everytime I feel someone touches me to establish dominance), should I always make it a point to touch back? Or should there be situations where I want to let it slide? And if so, how can I do that without being "too obvious" about wanting to equalize things?
My take: yes, I should probably always touch back. And it shouldn't matter if my touching back feels "out of place" or "stilted" or "obvious". I should still do that, as the message being subcommunicated is more important than the execution. Even if I have, as in this case, to get back at a person who's already leaving just to touch him back.
Hi Bel,
It seems to me that, this pattern is happening with people you already have interacted in the past, ( I may be wrong on this) if so, they still think they can treat you the way they had been treating you before, so then it's a matter of asserting your boundaries with them. I would suggest, to touch back if it is natural and not awkward to do so, in spite of it being awkward, if you go ahead to touch, it would be easy for you to be framed as the awkward guy who doesn't get it. If possible to mirror, you can touch, and if you cannot, you can call them out verbally,like so
Quote from Bel on December 24, 2022, 5:14 pm
Him: I also do. Well, best wishes! (he gives me two-three forceful pats on my arm, and he's gone)
You: What was that? Easy on the patting man.
Or
You: Please don't do that(pat) again.
or
You : Owww that hurt ( Exaggerate fake pretending to get hurt)
If this is with people you have interacted with before, you can make a mental note on who pats you on the arm, and when you run into them, do it to them and see how they react, Suppose the situation allows it, you can mirror whatever he does back, or pat him on the back, saying it was nice running into you.
Cheers
Thank you Maverick,
your post is on point and spurred some reflection here below.
When people that I would still interact with were touching me, I lately tended to do exactly what you say, ie equalize the field on the next encounter.
These people I was referring to here in this thread, instead, tend to be one-shot encounters: this person here above I met after two years of not seeing nor talking to him.
That's why I was thinking of touching back immediately, even if somewhat stilted.
After reading your answer, and after something similar happened to me today as well, I'm thinking of the possibility of responding by framing my immediate follow-up touch-back as an "affectionate goodbye" in response to their "quick exit".
In the case above, I could have done this:
Him: Well, best wishes! (he gives me two-three forceful pats on my arm, and he's gone)
Me: (turns around, goes to him, saying): Wait! (tasking, but the following will socially justify it.) I want to tell you that it's really been a pleasure to meet you again. (this bridges into the touching-back and provides a frame to normalize it, and also increases rapport at the same time) Take care! (touch him back similarly to what he did, in this case eg two pats on the shoulder)
I believe if I start doing this, there's really nothing they can do to try to reestablish dominance.
And their move will probably also sound "petty" to bystanders at the same time, because:
- they touched me without verbalizing affection, and it's clear (in the perspective of my follow-up) that they did it to establish dominance, especially in light of their "hasty exit";
- I ask them to wait (tasking), then go to touch them back while verbalizing affection: a more socially-savy goodbye, also indirectly highlighting their nasty move.
This idea is very useful to me, as this "touch while going away" is something I tended to encounter a lot!
Hey Bel,
What Maverick says makes a lot of sense in terms of "previous interactions".
He was your boss before, you meet again without in-between intearctions, and because of the "stickiness" you kinda restart where you left off (not nearly as much of course, but still at least a little bit).
Plus, if they're higher-power people, they'll gladly go for those old patterns that see them as a higher power.
As for the solutions, I prefer nonverbal to verbal.
So yes, simply touching them back is probably the simplest and most effective approach.
And albeit I shy away from anything with "always" and "never", generally speaking, yes, the general rule with equals is "always touch them back".
And yes, this is good:
Quote from Bel on December 25, 2022, 6:58 pmHim: Well, best wishes! (he gives me two-three forceful pats on my arm, and he's gone)
Me: (turns around, goes to him, saying): Wait! (tasking, but the following will socially justify it.) I want to tell you that it's really been a pleasure to meet you again. (this bridges into the touching-back and provides a frame to normalize it, and also increases rapport at the same time) Take care! (touch him back similarly to what he did, in this case eg two pats on the shoulder)
I believe if I start doing this, there's really nothing they can do to try to reestablish dominance.
And their move will probably also sound "petty" to bystanders at the same time, because:
- they touched me without verbalizing affection, and it's clear (in the perspective of my follow-up) that they did it to establish dominance, especially in light of their "hasty exit";
- I ask them to wait (tasking), then go to touch them back while verbalizing affection: a more socially-savy goodbye, also indirectly highlighting their nasty move.
This idea is very useful to me, as this "touch while going away" is something I tended to encounter a lot!
If that fails and you're in the spur of the moment, you can:
- Touch them on their back as they move away
- Say "take it easy with the shopping professore" just the way they called you + the "take it easy" which a bit of covert power move, tasking, and a bit condescending
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Quote from Bel on December 25, 2022, 6:48 pm
That's why I was thinking of touching back immediately, even if somewhat stilted.
After reading your answer, and after something similar happened to me today as well, I'm thinking of the possibility of responding by framing my immediate follow-up touch-back as an "affectionate goodbye" in response to their "quick exit".
In the case above, I could have done this:
Him: Well, best wishes! (he gives me two-three forceful pats on my arm, and he's gone)
Me: (turns around, goes to him, saying): Wait! (tasking, but the following will socially justify it.) I want to tell you that it's really been a pleasure to meet you again. (this bridges into the touching-back and provides a frame to normalize it, and also increases rapport at the same time) Take care! (touch him back similarly to what he did, in this case eg two pats on the shoulder)
Hi Bel,
With this solution you came up with for the "one shot encounters", you have the perfect excuse to touch back while at the same time tasking them, you have them checkmated, mate, any move against this just confirms to you that they are indeed the power move players you knew them to be and forces them to show their hand.
Thank you Maverick,
your post is on point and spurred some reflection here below.
Happy to know it helped
Thank You
Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on December 26, 2022, 3:32 amAnd albeit I shy away from anything with "always" and "never", generally speaking, yes, the general rule with equals is "always touch them back".
If that fails and you're in the spur of the moment, you can:
- Touch them on their back as they move away
- Say "take it easy with the shopping professore" just the way they called you + the "take it easy" which a bit of covert power move, tasking, and a bit condescending