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Physical Power move: squeezing my arm
Hello guys,
Here is a power move I now encountered twice, from the same category of people:
Case 1
A professor (63 y.o.) in a small group talk about cases (teaching situation) where he's the teacher and us the students. At some point he squeezed my arm (humerus part) strongly for about 2 seconds as he was making a point and talking to me (a bit one-upping me). It hurt a bit.
Case 2
Today, I was talking with a colleague at the bus stop. A semi-retired anaesthesiologist (63-65 y.o.) talks with us. My younger colleague (woman, surgeon, 35-40ish) tells him all about the political gossip since his retirement (who's up, who's down, who's in, who's out). He was a top dog in paediatric anaesthesiology and now moved to a small hospital as he retired from the big hospital. I listen to the golden gossip. They ask me not to repeat anything and I say something along the lines of "No". She asked me if we already worked together and I answered: "sporadically" (which is true). Then as he kisses her goodbye, he squeezes strongly my arm for about 2-3 seconds. As we said good bye to our common colleague. I said: "I'm going to this elevator" and he pointed to another elevator going more or less in the same direction: "and I'm going to this elevator", sub-communicating: "I'm not following your lead and I'm not going much longer with you". It's been 45 min and my arm still hurts.
For more context: this guy has the face of an alcoholic and he's supposed to be a good guy. However, he's like very dominant and high-power. He's very smart and quick. When I had professional contacts with him I never knew if he was a good guy or not. Of course there are grey areas. Now that my arm
In both cases I did not move or say anything. I understand it might look stupid and submissive. I do not react to show that they're not affecting me. This is why I want to learn.
I think in both cases, it was abusive as it was clearly physical harm. However, these things happened in the professional World with higher-up (even though the anesthesiologist is not my boss) and I submitted.
I think this is a shitty attitude from me as it shows a level of self-respect which is not sufficient yet.
What do you guys think about this? Has this ever happened to you? Higher-ups at your job or work environment squeezing your arm.
Next time, I will remove my arm and say: "why are you squeezing my arm like that?" in a surfacing way.
For me it means: "I'm older but I'm stronger and I can hurt you if I want" (also: "..if you repeat what you heard").
I have to admit that I'm a bit ashamed to have let these people do this to me.
A person I know recently had another person constantly "playfully" hitting her at work on the arm. In the end, her response was to hit back stronger, while masking it as a form of salutation. And it worked in stopping the behavior.
I personally had another person, when I was young, once push my head laterally with his hand, while mentioning I needed to learn martial arts, because (he said) "things like these can happen on the street".
Fathers hitting their sons while saying they are doing it to "prepare them for life, because life is hard", is almost a (bad) cliche. In all these cases the real reason (covert aggression) is the same.
In general, in my experience, touching you to hurt you (i.e. pinching, squeezing, etc.) while faking another reason to touch you is a seriously narcissistic/psychopathic covert aggression move, I would say red level.
It can be done in many ways: for example, faking adjusting the dress of a woman to pinch her; or hugging someone to crush him; or arm squeezing like you mention. Very very nasty. It compounds the subcommunication that the toucher is higher power (which is why PU teaches to always touch back in these cases) with physical harm, packing a double abusive punch.
A similar, but lesser, abuse tactic consists of invading your personal space deliberately, in the hope that you allow the invasion, which lowers your power. One example: you are sitting at a table, someone comes behind you, puts his arms across your shoulders, and takes a photo of something in front of you while holding his cellphone in front of your face. Can seem innocuous, but it's very nasty. Blowing smoke on you, seemingly by mistake, is another similar tactic.
Your suggestion of surfacing the nastiness in their move is great. I would consider adding a look of disgust at them, and/or, when possible, using stronger words (like "WTF are you doing?!?"). I think PU includes a mention of this strategy in reference to people putting their arm across your neck, in which case - it says - you take the arm, remove it, and look at them like they are antisocial (which they are, btw).
I don't think there is any shame in discovering something for the first time and learning how to respond. I think all your story says is that you are exactly on the right track John, because you now see things you couldn't before. Responsibility lies on these assholes.
I think the two responses of either surfacing it, or hitting back stronger by faking playfulness, can both work. The ultimate solution of course is refusing any new proximate contact with people like these.
Interesting situation.
Yes, it's absolutely a power move.
In a way, their power move is already covered by the context:
- I'm a senior guy, what are you complaining about a little squeeze (you're a pussy / not a real man if you do)
I'll get into the details of the specific situation later.
Now, I'll reply at a higher, general level.
First mental approach
One first mental approach is to completely forget gender, age, sizes, or anything and simply focus on the move.
The move is not cool?
Then fuck your age, gender, size: it doesn't matter.
Not too unlikely our beloved recent Johnny Depp trial.
Amber taunted Depp to say he was a "male victim of domestic abuse".
Her cover was that he, a man, couldn't possibly take that stance without losing face for "not being enough of a man".
Instead, Depp just said "yes I am" (and boy, did that come back to harm her :).
Has it happened to me? Yes, far worse
There's a story I share in some articles as an example of "great comebacks".
And I think in PU as an example of not following up with power and losing it all.
I came back from the "reserved" bathroom for professors and principals and when the principal saw me and asked me "didn't you see it's reserved", I replied "it doesn't say reserved for whom".
Not long after, he came into our class for some official communication.
Then he called me in front of the class and told me to repeat (obviously already showing his power over me with the double tasking, including a rather demeaning one of "repeat what I said").
But the real power move was yet to come.
The principal was close to retirement, and he looked frail and "grandpy".
Didn't stop me from pulling a physical power move though.
When I reached what was a crucial passage for him and/or when I didn't remember (can't remember the exact details now), he put his fist close to my face and added a verbal (joking) frame of "get it right or here comes the punishment".
Despite the "joking" wrapping, I viscerally remember it was all at a deeply physical level.
He was taking his revenge -big time-.
That's probably one of the top 5 situations in my life I'd pick for a special wish of "going back and handle it more power-aware" (there must be a place in heaven where we get the chance to replay these scenarios :D).
In hindsight, I'm also very disappointed by the professor who did nothing -today, I know an eagle professor would have intervened or asked the principal to talk outside-.
The stock answer to disrespect and boundary-crossing is always to intervene
Exceptions apply to every rule.
We may not always have the power to intervene.
But that doesn't change the rule, and the rule is that the stock answer is to always intervene.
Whenever we're in these novel situations we don't know what to do, the tendency is often to freeze -I froze and "laughed along" the joking frame with the principal, even though he wasn't laughing-.
Instead, better to risk looking weird but still "put something out there" that is meant to defend our boundaries.
Even socially, we lose more by letting disrespect go unchecked than by doing something unpolished.
The first sub-communicates "low-power pushover", the second sub-communicates "not yet perfectly polished". Which one is worse? You know the answer.
Wow all of this made me sigh of relief/realization.
There’s a power move I have to correct. I’ll answer in more details later and also talk about this power move.
Thanks both to you Bel and Lucio, I feel supported.
Thanks to you Lucio for your patience as I’m aware we sometimes ask same questions about different situations. It takes more time than I would like to admit to internalize these changes. I’ll let you know later.
BTW, I think you can copy paste the last paragraph and put it directly in PU about defending boundaries.
Once again, thanks again guys!
So my answer is that a nurse a week ago said on an angry and loud tone in a common workspace with secretaries and patients:
You fill that and give it to me!
Along with the tasking. I would estimate this orange-dark orange. I did not do anything but it was highly disrespectful. I thought I was going to lose status with the secretaries but actually I did not.
I think that it was because she seemed out of place and I looked professional by not answering her.
I thought : "should I react or not". I decided not to because:
She was always with other colleagues and I wanted it to be private.
I'm new and I thought that I did not want her to make a fuss out of it and talk to my supervisor if I confronted her.
I would have said something along the lines, in a calm voice and in private:
You know, the way you talked to me was not cool. I think it's better if we have respectful relationships at work.
Then the day passed and now it's been a week. So if I confront her now it will look like I make a big fuss out of it. However, I still think it was disrespectful.
Now she looks at me funny like she's scared of me.
Today I found my way out of the hospital: private practice. A colleague of mine is going to work in private practice at 60% of activity for a salary of $8000!!! That's about 14'000$ per month for a full salary.
So it's good money, with normal schedule (no nights, no week-ends). So this is my best option so far.
So now I care less about my evaluations and what people think about me.
I think I'm going to talk to her still for the learning experience. I will preface it with: "I know it's been a week but..."
Even socially, we lose more by letting disrespect go unchecked than by doing something unpolished.
The first sub-communicates "low-power pushover", the second sub-communicates "not yet perfectly polished". Which one is worse? You know the answer.
This is what I needed to hear to comfort me in confronting more the disrespect I'm facing.
This reminds me of the Sex and the City scene where Miranda covertly aggresses Charlotte in front of the others, and Charlotte then calls her the day after to complain.
I would reflect on whether it is better to go at it, or wait a further act of disrespect and then address both.
Not suggesting any of the two solutions, just thinking out loud about which is best, especially since it is a situation in which I also found myself often.
I agree with you it’s better to wait for a second occurrence.
I was afraid that she would say: “why did you not tell me the first time?”
