Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on March 6, 2022, 3:39 pm

Hey Chen,

Did you actually owe him money or was it all made up?

And what do you think you could have done?
I do have plenty of "solutions" in mind, but check the guidelines in my signature, we encourage people to come up with their solutions first.

Edit:
Bel's excellent message already gave you all the solutions you may need.
It was frame control: focus on what you wanted and the issue at hand, you had no call getting sidetracked into translating "his" side. You went from total control of the situation and "total right", to "working for him" and accusing yourself into "potentially guilty".

Edit 2:
@bel, what happened to your message, it was perfect!

Quote from B on March 6, 2022, 4:10 pm

Hi Chen,

first an important disclaimer: the following is not legal advice, but only random thoughts based on an incomplete and necessarily limited and stunted view of the situation. In this situation, the best course of action is to consult an attorney in your jurisdiction to verify what is the legal implication of what happened, and what you can do to protect yourself. I strongly suggest you do so, based on the content and tone of your post.

Now my thoughts: the perpetrator acting as victim is called DARVO (Deny, Attack and Reverse Victim and Offender) and it is a common and very frequent tactic.

Your behavior in your situation, of "helping" the person who trespassed accuse you, was counterproductive, as you yourself recognized.

Here are some thoughts on the matter:

• concern yourself only with your side of the problem

If someone trespasses your property, your only obligation is to report him/her to the police and ask that he is removed from your property. If he does not speak your language, you don't help him communicate. It's his problem. If the police has to call an interpreter, you let them. If nothing else, his incapability of communicating works against him when you clearly and circumstantially describe to the police that he trespassed. The fact that you speak his language does not even have to be made known, nor is it (normally) relevant in situations like these.

Caveat: the above may change/not be true based on the legal situation/jurisdiction, and based on the full circumstances of the case.

• other legal issues between you and the trespasser are (probably) irrelevant to the trespassing act

Who owes whom anything is (probably) irrelevant to the trespassing. So, if he trespasses, you have no obligation to justify yourself to the police against his allegation of unrelated acts on your part. In fact, doing so is counterproductive, because it gives the impression that you are "guilty" somewhere else. Concentrate yourself on addressing the immediate problem. Everything else comes afterwards.

Caveat: the above may change/not be true based on the legal situation/jurisdiction, and based on the full circumstances of the case.

• your worrying of being perceived as a bully seems part of the issue

In a situation like the one you describe, based on your description of the situation, no reasonable third party would assume you are the bad party: the "unlawful act" was him trespassing on your property in the first place.

Based on what you say, any other dispute you may have with him did not give him authorization to violate your property. So, it is possible that your uncertain behavior may have contributed in giving the police the idea that the issue was not a trespassing, but something else (e.g. a quarrel between two acquaintances speaking freely).

If, in situation like this, if you limit yourself to: i) asserting that the property is yours; and ii) asserting that he trespassed it and that you immediately asked him to leave, then the police should have no choice but to remove him.

Again, the caveat is, as above, that this may change/not be true based on the legal situation/jurisdiction, and based on the full circumstances of the case.

• protect yourself

How was he able to trespass your house? I would suggest considering implementing/reinforcing security measures in your property (eg legal videosurveillance, locks, fences).

• consult an attorney

The most important thing here, based on what you describe in your post.

Edit:

Lucio I was thinking of following your suggestion of waiting for more details, solutions from Chen, and of reposting later. But it probably makes little difference now, so I'm reposting now.

Quote from Chen on March 6, 2022, 7:15 pm

Did you actually owe him money or was it all made up?

Yes, I did, so partly I do genuinely feel guilty for my crime.

He helped me paint my house. We originally agreed a price for the work, but after he started, he asked for €500 extra, and he threatened to destroy the walls he already painted if I don't pay the extra money. I don't like confrontations, so after some very unpleasant negotiations, I eventually gave in and said I'd pay him €300 more, though deep down I did not think it was fair. He is not a professional painter, so there's no legal contract, and of course he pays no tax.

This is a guy I've had a couple of dealings with. And especially after this, I've come to realize that our relationship is never mutually beneficial. It's a "win-lose". He's a value-taker and I want no more dealings with this person.

In the end, I've decided that I will not pay the extra €300, even though I did say I would pay him. I paid him only the originally agreed price. He reneged on our original agreement first when he asked more money, so it justifies my backing out of the €300 extra I promised him. Right?

 

Quote from Chen on March 6, 2022, 8:59 pm

And what do you think you could have done?

Simple, I should've just asked the police to remove him from my property immediately.

However, going back to the money dispute -- if I never hired him, I'd have much less problem. So, I would've also hire only professionals.

Quote from Chen on March 6, 2022, 9:42 pm

If he does not speak your language, you don't help him communicate. It's his problem. If the police has to call an interpreter, you let them. If nothing else, his incapability of communicating works against him when you clearly and circumstantially describe to the police that he trespassed.

But isn't that unfair to him? Though it's none of my concern of course, but I could be telling the police he murdered my son, and he wouldn't understand a word of English. Should I at least ensure him that I'm not accusing him of murder?

He did not even understand when the police asked him to: "Leave, or you'll get arrested."  Or, he might have selectively ignored this.

Quote from Mats G on March 6, 2022, 10:30 pm

Hi Chen,

I can relate to your situation as I had a similar experience with an aggressive alcoholic trespassing on my property and picking a fight with me. This was before I joined PU and thus I did not know how to defend myself. Although there are many techniques for dealing with this sort of situation (some really good ones have already been shared by Bel), I think that the biggest problem at the moment is your mindset.

It seems to me (and I could obviously be incorrect) as if you consciously know that the person you are dealing with is in the wrong, and yet another part of you thinks that you would be a bad person if you don't treat him well. If that is the case, I don't think techniques for dealing with the situation are going to help you all that much; if you don't shift your mindset you are likely to feel guilty no matter the outcome.

How do you change your mindset?

I used to have the exact same problem just half a year ago, where I felt like I needed to please everyone and avoid conflict at all costs. This resulted in me being an easy target to push around. For me, going through PU made a huge difference in my assertiveness and confidence, and I'm sure that it will do the same for you :) I've been focusing a lot on changing my mindsets lately and the system I use (which is unfinished) is this:

• Step one: Identify your limiting belief.

1. 1. 1. Think about a goal you haven’t achieved/a past action you regret.
         1. Ask yourself why you haven’t achieved it/why you acted in that way.
            1. Look through your answer in search of a limiting belief.

• Step two: Understand why it exists.

1. 1. 1. When did I start to believe this?
      2. How has it helped you?

• Step three: Think about how it holds you back.

1. 1. 1. Take it to the extreme.
         1. What is the worst case scenario if you follow this belief?
      2. Try to think of moments in the past where the belief held you back.
         1. Perhaps you did not take an opportunity because you were too scared.

• Step four: Think about the benefits of getting rid of the belief.

1. 1. 1. Take it to the extreme.
         1. Visualize/write out the best case scenario if you get rid of the belief.
      2. Think of the goals you haven’t tried to achieve because of the belief.
         1. See yourself taking action to pursue your goals.

• Step five: Accept that the belief has been a part of you.

1. 1. 1. Acknowledge the part of you that led to this belief being instilled.
         1. Thank this part of yourself for looking out for you.
         2. Let that part of yourself know that you appreciate it, but that you no longer need that belief.

• Step six: Come up with a new belief to replace it with.

I hope any of this is helpful :)

Quote from Mitch on March 12, 2022, 9:02 pm

I have always felt my whole life I get walked over because I am too nice and let everything slide, the past year or so I have been speaking up when I don't like something and it is so funny 100% of the time they have shut up and worked with me lol

Almost is too good and I want to argue with everyone now lol.....but it is not my nature I still let a lot slide and try to pick and choose the moments if I think they are overdoing it

Either start small just get out of your comfort zone in baby steps or jump in the deep end and get really confrontational with someone it will raise your bar. I have done both and felt a little bit of personal growth from it