Please Help Me
How do handle this situation? Please help.
I lost my ATM card linked to my office Salary account, and I told my manager about it. He was cool about it and helped me get a replacement by bearing the cost himself ( because without director sign you gotta pay a fee worth half of my salary)
Now I also lost the replacement toi. This time he won't be cool about it. He will report to his boss for sure. The boss will likely fire me.
Now I don't know what to do!?
I can pretend I was mugged and I lost my wallet, but no.
Please help me
AR,
Do you want the real answer one should give you?
It's gonna be a lot of tough love though, I gotta tell you.
It's not about the specific situation, but about the mindsets and values.
Try to analyze your own post, see if you can catch what you could have done and can do better both in the situation you're in -as well as in the way you're wording your request here-.
This is only one event, you'll look at it in 1 year and it won't be a long distant memory.
But the mindsets and values stay.
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Yes I think even if they were searching me to torture and kill me I would avoid sounding like if I am in panic or feeling helpless (even if I do).
I would prefer requesting help in this forum wording it something like: "Guys the mafia want to hang me by the balls, some suggestions to avoid that not so convenient scenario, I promise to keep bringing value here if I manage to survive"
?
I understand Lucio.
I wrote this post outta panic.
I tried to approach this situation with the "techniques will help me out of it" mindset, which was wrong.
Firstly, I have to be more careful!
Secondly, I have to learn to face the music for my actions.
As for my secondly, I have already told my manager Bout it, without trying to be sleazy or anything. Let's see what happens.
Yeah, you got it, as well as Stef.
Here's some notes on that:
1. Overreacting / crying for help / guilt-tripping
"Please help me, please help me, please help me".
I guess now you already know what's the issue with that.
Overreacting and crying for help can work in getting quick help in certain situations -otherwise, we wouldn't have evolved that behavior in the first place-.
It can also be effective as a mid/long-term manipulative technique in relationships with those who are easy picking for guilt-tripping (albeit those aren't usually the people who make it to the top).
In most other situations, that behavior comes at very high reputational costs.
Crying for help is a taker attitude, as it seeks to pressurize others into giving because "please, look at me, how badly I'm in need (and if you don't, you're bad for letting me suffer").
It's a behavior that keeps you stuck in the lower rungs of society because people want to promote to the top whose can contribute to others, not those who cry for help -especially not if they do it often-.
And it's particularly costly in longer-term exchanges-, and especially bad when dealing with high-power, high-quality folks, because they're more keenly aware of takers and givers.
If those in power will help out of a feeling of obligation or guilt, they will be doing the bare minimum, while thinking to themselves "what a bitch" and demoting you from their social circles.
Famous example:
The behavior that helps increase one's social status and social power in a professional setting is to remain calm and composed.
As a matter of fact, emotionally difficult times and mistakes can be a great opportunity to show one's character and inner resolve -see John's thread as an example-.
2. Working around the rules mindset
Yeah, you can pretend a lot of things.
And without going to any extremes, sometimes it’s an effective strategy, and sometimes it's even fair game.
But not as a mindset, not as your value.
Finding the best lie or making up the best fabrication cannot be your go-to answer in life.
It might save your ass in the short term, but it comes at a high cost in the long run.
Working around the rules with lies and fabricated stories to avoid relatively mild punishment is small-timer cheat mindset.
Especially when coupled with overreaction.
You can think it doesn’t transpire unless they catch you.
But no, when lies and fabrications are your go-to answer, it does transpire -see my brother’s story in my journal-.
3. Take responsibility for your mistakes, pay back the boss
Who lost the card?
Not your boss, did he.
So why would you accept your boss paying for you?
Because it was easier that way, or because he makes more money is not an answer.
Again, that's the mindset of the small-timer who takes the small financial win today, in exchange for a ruined reputation for life -and a ruined reputation with themselves-.
It’s also very poor political strategy.
What is that guy going to think of you?
That you’re promotion-worthy, that you’re a great team member, that you take responsibility in life?
Probably not.
Much better is to insist to pay him back.
"There is no fucking way you -or anyone else- will pay for my mistake. My mistake, my bill. Give that shit back to me.
That's the high-quality mindset.
And if he denied, great.
Exchanges must not all be monetary.
Then give back in a different way. For example, insist you'd at least take him out for lunch (which would also bring the two of you closer, now you turn a loss into a show of character).
I am aware this can be hard to read.
I'd suggest doing so with a growth mindset, looking at it as an opportunity for personal growth.
IMPROVING THE SITUATION
Now, about the situation, techniques do can help.
You had two options:
- Make up a lie -could be a fair option as a one-off-
- Own it, offer to pay, offer to make up for it
I'd have personally recommended to own it, so I think you took the right option.
I'm crossing my fingers for you man, half a salary for a plastic card also seems unjustifiably punitive. Let us know how it goes.
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Hello! Thank you For lifting me up!
Reading Stefs response initially did not make sense to me. But then I realized the connection to social exchange theory.
My request did not have any balance, I did not provide anything in return. Even though it was not my intention, the way I phrased my request seemed like I assumed I was entitled for help.
Thank you Lucio for helping me understand this situation despite me posting cluelessly with a narrow mind. you could have just ignored this post but You guided me to look into the situation from a growth mindset.
I really appreciate your help.
I am diligently working on changing my mindset, and I will contribute to improve and maintain the quality of this community to the best of my capabilities.
Regarding the situation at hand:
After reading Lucios response yesterday, I decided to just own it up.
So, I offered to treat my manager for lunch.
During lunch I offered him advice on the stock market (since he doesn't get time to do analysis and doesn't trade often but is open to invest, and I know that). I told him about the once in a lifetime opportunity (according to my speculation and analysis the opp truly is.).
He looked very keen on following my advice.
After lunch I told him what happened.
He didn't react much, he just looked a bit concerned.
Immediate after lunch I had to go to the bank, and couldn't catch him again today.
Tomorrow, whatever happens, all damage is on me, and I'm ready for it.
Well Lucio is the expert here as he was able to pick a lot more stuff than I, to me it just instinctively strike me as this does not sound cool or poised, or like the way someone trying to convey high power will word requests (the godfather would slap a man for sounding like that before helping him)
You know the "rule of cool"can be important for power dynamics.
?
Quote from Stef on November 24, 2020, 10:29 pmYou know the "rule of cool"can be important for power dynamics.
Ehehe actually true, it can overlap quite a bit with high-power and high-status behavior.
Also, what you had was probably a "feel" for the dynamic, which is what people who are more naturally socially skilled have. It's not always 100% conscious, or it's not always easy to articulate exactly why, but they can feel and say "this is cool / high power", and that's "not cool / low power".
And that's why people who are more naturally endowed with good social skills also tend to have good social status: not only they can socialize well with others, but they also know how to act cool / high-power.
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Okay! I finally got Access to a PC and I was fully able to Study Lucios Notes!
Thank you Lucio! Your notes have not only helped me see what i was doing wrong here. But how these mistakes have been committed over and over again in many areas of my life.
- Overreacting / crying for help / guilt-tripping- Crying for help has been my default response when asking someone to do something. Maybe i was always aware of it unconsciously, that's why i was never confident of my skills to ask someone for help. but reading this has given me a new way of approaching for help.
- Working around the rules mindset- In short, as per the awareness that has been raised in me in the past few days, i am not very proud of my mindset, abd I am actively trying to change it.
- Take responsibility for your mistakes, pay back the boss- I have a very special relationship with my immediate manager, he is like an older brother to me, that's why i let past those things. But i can trully resonate the notion of "not being okay with Smal fiancial wins".
As for the situation in had, I truly panicked and over reacted. My managers boss wasn't reported to, but I will be paying this time. I even paid him back for the last time help.
Rock on, AR!
Way to own up and move forwards, quite impressive.
If I may add one more note, the behavior one adopts is not just for others, but behavior is also crucial because it self-signals to us who we are.
One who seeks shortcuts does find more shortcuts than others.
But any time he goes for the shortcut, he also reinforces in his mind that he's a guy who looks for the shortcut.
And that often brings the following mindsets as followups:
- I couldn't compete in an open system, without the shortcuts
Needless to say, a terrible disempowering mindset.
It also blocks any effort at self-development, leading people to waste time looking for the shortcuts, rather than what would give them the biggest bang for the buck.
- I don't have to look at the rules, because I can look for the shortcut
Another problem with that attitude is there is far more power is in what's out in the open (at least until society holds, but it looks like it's here to stay).
Even the largest criminals in history cannot hold half a candle to the most legally successful people in the world.
Look up a picture of Pablo Escobar on the Internet, he was the most financially successful criminal in the world, and yet ended up face on the ground with a bullet in his back.
- I'm gonna say "yes", and then find a shortcut
And that's the typical mindset of the passive and the passive-aggressive.
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