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Positive power move: Thank YOU
Hello,
here is the most recent power move I’m using that have been good for me and that I’m happy to share:
- Someone: thank you
- You: thank YOU (danke dir, merci à vous, etc.)
That’s it. It might seem not much but it accomplishes a lot. I started to use it after I integrated the idea from @Lucio: “in the beginning of your career focus on adding value not on power” (loose quote). I agree as it is the same idea as making the mistake to learn leadership or seduction without first learning basic social skills.
Going back to this simple idea. When you thank back somebody, you acknowledge their part in the social exchange and you make the relationship more equal: you give them back the power they gave you. So it's just a nice warm gesture. It's a gesture of charm instead of a gesture of power.
There must not be too much emphasis, it's all in the tone. I think it should be said on the same tone as the other person said it, with warmth. The goal is not to put the other on a pedestal, but to get back on an equal footing.
I was going to say that it's not to be used when giving a service and the person receiving the service is thanking you (taking care of a patient), but I changed my mind. In this instance I think one can use it in a specific way. Instead of saying: "thank YOU", I think we can say: "thank you for your trust". So we acknowledge their part in the social exchange: them giving their trust to us. Trust is one of the thing I value the most in the World, so it will be natural for me. Let me know if you're using it how it is working for you.
"Teaching is learning"
"Writing is thinking"
"Friends empower, enemies disempower"
i use that one sometimes and i say something that frames the situation in a way so that it makes sense to thank them:
e. g.: "thank you for your legal advice"
thanks reversal: " thank you for trusting me with this important issue, (and for searching the advice of the best).
well the part in parenthesis is not necessary
:)
i would add that believing there is something to be thankful about even when you are the one making the favor can do a lot of good to your mental well-being according to some research in positive psychology that i have read, even if it just a cheap trick, (i am not saying it is).
Hello Stef,
well in this case it is not the same. As you actually increase your power instead of decreasing it as I'm proposing in this thread:
- "Thank you for trusting me with this important issue": people bring important issues to an important person
- "and for searching the advice of the best": and I'm so good.
So I think it's the opposite of what I'm proposing. What I mean in this thread is:
"Thank you for trusting me": thank you for honoring me with your trust, meaning thank you for thinking I deserve your trust I will make sure I will honor it.
It communicates a different social relationship, it is giving back the gratitude. In your first sentence, I think it's a power move just like: "I'm sorry" or "I was busy" which makes the person "excusing themselves" actually more powerful. That is why I wrote "positive" power move in the title. This move is about giving, not taking.
When you're saying : "even if it just a cheap trick, (i am not saying it is).", you are actually saying it. I would say it is not. Here is why: the person is actually giving you something. Otherwise we would not say "thank you". We're not saying "thank you" to make ourselves believe somebody gave something to you. We're saying "thank you" because they actually did.
yes, i would preffer to increase my power and in some way bring the other person to my new level, so we both benefit or go up.
Yet there may be cases in which lowering my power vis a vis the person thanking me may be useful.
"and for searching the advice of the best"
this one was a joke :), it is a very not subtle power move.
what I mean with cheap trick is that some people lose their legs and are capable of thinking, i am thankfull that now i dont have to buy shoes anymore, and they feel better, ok maybe they are thankful that they are still alive and have other good things in life, so to me i am not sure if being always thankful for whatever happens is a cheap-trick, a super power or what.
"Thank you for trusting me with this important issue": people bring important issues to an important person.
but also to someone you trust a lot if you are prudent as it is so important.
that one I was not trying to increase my power consciously with, but now that you mention it I can see the power move element.
so thank you!
there may be cases in which they are giving you trouble, and thanking you, yet for some reason you still want to fake thankfullnes to them, then you have to get very creative to justify and partially self-deceive (or just be a good liar) to sound sincere while saying thanks.
I am just thinking about the darker applications of "thanks reversals".
I get you are proposing a sincere version of this.
Yes, I like this positive power move a lot.
And it deserves being stressed out.
It's especially useful with:
- People who have more power than you have
- People that are important to your life
- People who are indeed helping you
- People who can help, and from whom you'd be happy to get even more help / support
And I would also add that not thanking people can come back to harm you.
Especially if those people are polite, and they say "thank you" often, even when they have actually given you value.
Then it's all the more important to go with John positive power move.
By stressing the "no, thank YOU", you are basically saying:
Thank you for saying that, but it's you who is helping and supporting here, and I want you to know that I know that, and that I appreciate that a lot
"Thank you positive power move" with bosses
Have you guys already seen this part in PU?
I'm copy-pasting now (but cutting out some parts):
Imagine this dialogue:
Boss: thank you for running this by me <– this is the ritual
Report: no worries, cheers <– misses the ritual
The boss is expected to keep oversight, so the “thank you” there is a ritual, not a real thank you.
The boss had no real reason to say “thank you”. The boss is putting himself in the one-down out of kindness, but he expects you to do the same to rebalance power.
So, what’s a better solution, in this case?
It’s to play the ritual and thank them back. For example:
Boss: thank you for running this by me
Report: no, thank you for taking the time to check this with me, boss, I appreciate that very much!
Boss: Thank you for saying that, it’s my job and I am happy when I can help
Now the boss will be happy to support you again in the future.
"Thank you positive power move" in the forum
And this is what I wrote in the "forum etiquette", entry #11 (copy-pasting again):
11. If You Get An Answer, Give Feedback, Share Your Thoughts, Update On Your Development, Or... Just Say "Thanks"
Ask yourself this:
Who asks a question, gets an answer, and then disappears?
Is it a value taker, or a value giver?
When people give answers and get nothing back, how are they likely to feel? Would they feel happy and validated that they helped, or would they feel like someone took from them and didn't give anything back?
Obviously, it's the latter.
Asking and disappearing is the equivalent of a social hit and run.
well, thank you, nice overview and clarification!
