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Power dynamics in a high risk environment.

Dienekes@samduisterhofgmail-com

5 Posts

Empowered Member

#1 · January 20, 2023, 8:20 am

Quote from Dienekes on January 20, 2023, 8:20 am
First situational post here, so if I put this in the wrong category or violate any form rules, I'm prepared to receive my tongue lashings haha! I want to provide some value with this post because it's a unique situation in a non-standard work environment.

I currently work as a rescue specialist overseas in a conflict country. My team and I came from the same military background and were all selected for this job based on experience, qualifications, and reputation. Most of us know each other or at least have met in passing before this job.

The other night we were performing a routine night training mission which required us to fly in a helicopter to a training location to complete our training. We usually fly two to a helicopter, and the teammate (Slip) I was flying with has a shared history. He was my first instructor at my second duty station and trained me on several core skill sets.

So here is the situation I found myself in. We get in the helicopter, and he immediately starts quizzing me on the different steps we take for pre-flight. I picked up the sub-communication: "you've not squared away, and I need to double-check your work," placing him in the judge/instructor role. I was immediately annoyed but answered his questions because we needed to move. Right before taking off, he aggressively double-checks my safety tie-in. At this point, I was fed up and told him to stop messing with my gear, which was challenging because I appreciate my teammates double-checking my equipment when we are engaged in high-risk activities, but I wasn't feeling the instructor/student dynamic with a peer of mine.

Immediately on take off, my comm cord cuts out, and I cannot speak with the pilots to pass critical flight information. I can hear but cannot talk, and he starts teasing me to the pilots while I cannot defend myself. Instead of helping, he just sat there and shook his head while I started moving around, trying to fix the issue. Once we landed, he asked me what had happened and accused me of not performing a comm check before taking off. I had already completed this step, and at this point, I drew the line. The conversation went something like this:

Slip: So what happened up there?

Me: I did my comm check before taking off, and it cut out as soon as we took off. Idk what's going on with the electronics in this aircraft. But honestly, you're crossing a line with me, and I am telling you to stop doing that.

Slip: Woah, man, take it easy it's no big deal!

Me: No, I'm telling you you're crossing a line with me, and I don't appreciate so stop doing it.

Slip: No, you're crossing the line by getting angry; I'm just talking shit; calm down.

Me: Slip; instead of sitting there chirping me the entire time, you should have been helping me troubleshoot the issue so we could have comms up.

After that, we cleaned up our gear and squashed it for the night. Since then, we've been cool with each other, but I haven't flown with him since, so we'll see if my boundary-setting was effective. I was not too fond of the subtle student/instructor dynamics he was pushing, and I don't like people playing around with my rep. Maybe I was reading too far into the situation, but I like to think that our emotions are there to tell us when something is off, and it's our responsibility to manage them and choose the appropriate response. The thing that most frustrated me was instead of focusing on the training; I was half thinking about how to defend myself once we landed because I knew the shit-talking and acquisitions were coming.

Long post, but I hope it was an interesting real-world scenario for you all.

A few questions for the community:

Was I assessing the situation correctly, from what you can tell, or did I overreact?

Was a confrontation the best solution?

Any thoughts or recommendations on how to deal with people who avoid responsibility by accusing you of being too serious or unable to take a joke? (If this topic has been covered in the course content or another forum post, my bad, I have yet to see it.)

I'm still a little hazy about how to provide value to the forum when posting a real-world situation breakdown.

-Dienekes

First situational post here, so if I put this in the wrong category or violate any form rules, I'm prepared to receive my tongue lashings haha! I want to provide some value with this post because it's a unique situation in a non-standard work environment.

I currently work as a rescue specialist overseas in a conflict country. My team and I came from the same military background and were all selected for this job based on experience, qualifications, and reputation. Most of us know each other or at least have met in passing before this job.

The other night we were performing a routine night training mission which required us to fly in a helicopter to a training location to complete our training. We usually fly two to a helicopter, and the teammate (Slip) I was flying with has a shared history. He was my first instructor at my second duty station and trained me on several core skill sets.

So here is the situation I found myself in. We get in the helicopter, and he immediately starts quizzing me on the different steps we take for pre-flight. I picked up the sub-communication: "you've not squared away, and I need to double-check your work," placing him in the judge/instructor role. I was immediately annoyed but answered his questions because we needed to move. Right before taking off, he aggressively double-checks my safety tie-in. At this point, I was fed up and told him to stop messing with my gear, which was challenging because I appreciate my teammates double-checking my equipment when we are engaged in high-risk activities, but I wasn't feeling the instructor/student dynamic with a peer of mine.

Immediately on take off, my comm cord cuts out, and I cannot speak with the pilots to pass critical flight information. I can hear but cannot talk, and he starts teasing me to the pilots while I cannot defend myself. Instead of helping, he just sat there and shook his head while I started moving around, trying to fix the issue. Once we landed, he asked me what had happened and accused me of not performing a comm check before taking off. I had already completed this step, and at this point, I drew the line. The conversation went something like this:

Slip: So what happened up there?

Me: I did my comm check before taking off, and it cut out as soon as we took off. Idk what's going on with the electronics in this aircraft. But honestly, you're crossing a line with me, and I am telling you to stop doing that.

Slip: Woah, man, take it easy it's no big deal!

Me: No, I'm telling you you're crossing a line with me, and I don't appreciate so stop doing it.

Slip: No, you're crossing the line by getting angry; I'm just talking shit; calm down.

Me: Slip; instead of sitting there chirping me the entire time, you should have been helping me troubleshoot the issue so we could have comms up.

After that, we cleaned up our gear and squashed it for the night. Since then, we've been cool with each other, but I haven't flown with him since, so we'll see if my boundary-setting was effective. I was not too fond of the subtle student/instructor dynamics he was pushing, and I don't like people playing around with my rep. Maybe I was reading too far into the situation, but I like to think that our emotions are there to tell us when something is off, and it's our responsibility to manage them and choose the appropriate response. The thing that most frustrated me was instead of focusing on the training; I was half thinking about how to defend myself once we landed because I knew the shit-talking and acquisitions were coming.

Long post, but I hope it was an interesting real-world scenario for you all.

A few questions for the community:

Was I assessing the situation correctly, from what you can tell, or did I overreact?

Was a confrontation the best solution?

Any thoughts or recommendations on how to deal with people who avoid responsibility by accusing you of being too serious or unable to take a joke? (If this topic has been covered in the course content or another forum post, my bad, I have yet to see it.)

I'm still a little hazy about how to provide value to the forum when posting a real-world situation breakdown.

-Dienekes

Lucio Buffalmano has reacted to this post.

Lucio Buffalmano@lucio

6,304 Posts

#2 · January 20, 2023, 9:55 am

Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on January 20, 2023, 9:55 am
Hello Dienekes,

Some notes on this:

Quote from Dienekes on January 20, 2023, 8:20 am

So here is the situation I found myself in. We get in the helicopter, and he immediately starts quizzing me on the different steps we take for pre-flight. I picked up the sub-communication: "you've not squared away, and I need to double-check your work," placing him in the judge/instructor role. I

was immediately annoyed but answered his questions because we needed to move.

Right before taking off, he aggressively double-checks my safety tie-in. At this point, I was fed up and told him to stop messing with my gear, which was challenging because I appreciate my teammates double-checking my equipment when we are engaged in high-risk activities, but I wasn't feeling the instructor/student dynamic with a peer of mine.

Is the situation that he trained you in the past, but now you're both officially equal rank-wise?

If so, yes, I second your intuition: he was power scalping.

Once the training is over, good people who play win-win start accepting the trainee more as an equal.
Of course they may still know more and teach more, but they purposefully refrain from the most annoying adn disempowering teacher frames.

Quizzing someone is once they're an equal is definitely a power move, and I wouldn't have liked that either.

Quote from Dienekes on January 20, 2023, 8:20 am

Right before taking off, he aggressively double-checks my safety tie-in.

At this point, I was fed up and told him to stop messing with my gear, which was challenging because I appreciate my teammates double-checking my equipment when we are engaged in high-risk activities, but I wasn't feeling the instructor/student dynamic with a peer of mine.

Yeah, good call for both points:

Appreciating teammates helping you out

Not wanting to be power-moved

I think you protected against #2 here, but pushing back against the general behavior may lose you #1 with him and other present folks -also, it can make you look less team-player to those who didn't notice the power move-.

So a different format to consider is to push back while zeroing in on the tone:

He: aggressively double-checks safety tie-in
You: hey mate, I love teammates double checking on stuff, but please do so a bit more respectfully / considerately

Then whatever he replies, you hold the line: the way you did was not cool.

Quote from Dienekes on January 20, 2023, 8:20 am

The conversation went something like this:

Slip: So what happened up there?

Me: I did my comm check before taking off, and it cut out as soon as we took off. Idk what's going on with the electronics in this aircraft. But honestly, you're crossing a line with me, and I am telling you to stop doing that.

Nothing wrong or bad here.

Just a little detail that when you answer his question with an explanation you're reacting to him.

And when you attach you set your boundaries together with the post-flight analysis, you kind of mix the two together which may make you look less professional / mission-driven for focusing on the personal stuff while also disempowering your own boundary setting.

That's what also gives him enough cover and justification to go "Woah, woah, take it easy".
It's because the jump between "professionals talking" and "personal matters" was a bit too abrupt.

So a different approach may be:

Slip: So what happened up there?
Me: I did my comm check before taking off and it worked. Then it cut out as soon as we took off. I tried to fix it but didn't work (why didn't you help mate)

The "why didn't you help" is optional, you know whether it's appropriate or not.
If appropriate, it serves to question him back and also make him explain/defend.

After that you draw your boundaries, and really set it up before plunging right into ti:

Me: BTW man, there is something I need to talk to you about

The after that you go for it.

On these ones:

Quote from Dienekes on January 20, 2023, 8:20 am

A few questions for the community:

Was I assessing the situation correctly, from what you can tell, or did I overreact?

Was a confrontation the best solution?

Any thoughts or recommendations on how to deal with people who avoid responsibility by accusing you of being too serious or unable to take a joke? (If this topic has been covered in the course content or another forum post, my bad, I have yet to see it.)

I'm still a little hazy about how to provide value to the forum when posting a real-world situation breakdown.

-Dienekes

I wasn't there but from reading this post, it seems to me you correctly assess it, yes.

Overall, I think that calling it right away was the best choice.
And you did it really well and the above are more like details and tweaks.

There are a number of ways when people accuse of being too serious or not taking a joke, but a good and simple one is:

Deny their frame: nono, I love jokes

Remove their cover: but this isn't about the joke really

Go back to the main issue: what I'm talking about here is...

Re-end positively: so if we can treat each other respectfully, then we can joke as much as we want

Hello Dienekes,

Some notes on this:

Quote from Dienekes on January 20, 2023, 8:20 am

So here is the situation I found myself in. We get in the helicopter, and he immediately starts quizzing me on the different steps we take for pre-flight. I picked up the sub-communication: "you've not squared away, and I need to double-check your work," placing him in the judge/instructor role. I

was immediately annoyed but answered his questions because we needed to move.

Right before taking off, he aggressively double-checks my safety tie-in. At this point, I was fed up and told him to stop messing with my gear, which was challenging because I appreciate my teammates double-checking my equipment when we are engaged in high-risk activities, but I wasn't feeling the instructor/student dynamic with a peer of mine.

Is the situation that he trained you in the past, but now you're both officially equal rank-wise?

If so, yes, I second your intuition: he was power scalping.

Once the training is over, good people who play win-win start accepting the trainee more as an equal.
Of course they may still know more and teach more, but they purposefully refrain from the most annoying adn disempowering teacher frames.

Quizzing someone is once they're an equal is definitely a power move, and I wouldn't have liked that either.

Quote from Dienekes on January 20, 2023, 8:20 am

Right before taking off, he aggressively double-checks my safety tie-in.

At this point, I was fed up and told him to stop messing with my gear, which was challenging because I appreciate my teammates double-checking my equipment when we are engaged in high-risk activities, but I wasn't feeling the instructor/student dynamic with a peer of mine.

Yeah, good call for both points:

Appreciating teammates helping you out
Not wanting to be power-moved

I think you protected against #2 here, but pushing back against the general behavior may lose you #1 with him and other present folks -also, it can make you look less team-player to those who didn't notice the power move-.

So a different format to consider is to push back while zeroing in on the tone:

He: aggressively double-checks safety tie-in
You: hey mate, I love teammates double checking on stuff, but please do so a bit more respectfully / considerately

Then whatever he replies, you hold the line: the way you did was not cool.

Quote from Dienekes on January 20, 2023, 8:20 am

The conversation went something like this:

Slip: So what happened up there?

Me: I did my comm check before taking off, and it cut out as soon as we took off. Idk what's going on with the electronics in this aircraft. But honestly, you're crossing a line with me, and I am telling you to stop doing that.

Nothing wrong or bad here.

Just a little detail that when you answer his question with an explanation you're reacting to him.

And when you attach you set your boundaries together with the post-flight analysis, you kind of mix the two together which may make you look less professional / mission-driven for focusing on the personal stuff while also disempowering your own boundary setting.

That's what also gives him enough cover and justification to go "Woah, woah, take it easy".
It's because the jump between "professionals talking" and "personal matters" was a bit too abrupt.

So a different approach may be:

Slip: So what happened up there?
Me: I did my comm check before taking off and it worked. Then it cut out as soon as we took off. I tried to fix it but didn't work (why didn't you help mate)

The "why didn't you help" is optional, you know whether it's appropriate or not.
If appropriate, it serves to question him back and also make him explain/defend.

After that you draw your boundaries, and really set it up before plunging right into ti:

Me: BTW man, there is something I need to talk to you about

The after that you go for it.

On these ones:

Quote from Dienekes on January 20, 2023, 8:20 am

A few questions for the community:

Was I assessing the situation correctly, from what you can tell, or did I overreact?

Was a confrontation the best solution?

Any thoughts or recommendations on how to deal with people who avoid responsibility by accusing you of being too serious or unable to take a joke? (If this topic has been covered in the course content or another forum post, my bad, I have yet to see it.)

I'm still a little hazy about how to provide value to the forum when posting a real-world situation breakdown.

-Dienekes

I wasn't there but from reading this post, it seems to me you correctly assess it, yes.

Overall, I think that calling it right away was the best choice.
And you did it really well and the above are more like details and tweaks.

There are a number of ways when people accuse of being too serious or not taking a joke, but a good and simple one is:

Deny their frame: nono, I love jokes
Remove their cover: but this isn't about the joke really
Go back to the main issue: what I'm talking about here is...
Re-end positively: so if we can treat each other respectfully, then we can joke as much as we want

Ali Scarlett and Bel have reacted to this post.

Have you read the forum guidelines for effective communication already?

Dienekes@samduisterhofgmail-com

5 PostsTopic Author

Empowered Member

#3 · January 20, 2023, 3:03 pm

Lucio,

Thank you for this detailed analysis! He has been with the company longer than I have and has a few more years experience however, per the team structure we hold the same position. You addressed another concern that I had about confrontation with him that I forgot to mention. If that altercation had taken place in front of the rest of the team I would have indeed looked less professional and egotistical. He was putting me in a tight spot and I didn't like it. I think asking him "why didn't you help" would have changed the dynamic for sure but I lost my temper a little. I also think that denying the frame and removing cover would have worked well. My own personal after action is that I need to get better at concealing my frustration in these types of situations. Again thank you for the wonderful assessment!

Dienekes

Lucio Buffalmano has reacted to this post.

Lucio Buffalmano@lucio

6,304 Posts

#4 · January 21, 2023, 3:38 am

Quote from Dienekes on January 20, 2023, 3:03 pm

Lucio,

You addressed another concern that I had about confrontation with him that I forgot to mention. If that altercation had taken place in front of the rest of the team I would have indeed looked less professional and egotistical. He was putting me in a tight spot and I didn't like it.

I think asking him "why didn't you help" would have changed the dynamic for sure but I lost my temper a little. I also think that denying the frame and removing cover would have worked well. My own personal after action is that I need to get better at concealing my frustration in these types of situations. Again thank you for the wonderful assessment!

Dienekes

Exactly, that's the "power" of micro and covert aggression.

Quote from Dienekes on January 20, 2023, 3:03 pm

Lucio,

I think asking him "why didn't you help" would have changed the dynamic for sure but I lost my temper a little. I also think that denying the frame and removing cover would have worked well. My own personal after action is that I need to get better at concealing my frustration in these types of situations. Again thank you for the wonderful assessment!

Dienekes

Yes, exactly, it would have added one more good and clear reason (on top of his power moves) to re-frame the situation from one where you're getting aggravated for some reasons that may not be super clear, to a very justified push-back: he didn't move a finger in a situation where any good team player would be expected to help.

Cheers mate!

Bel has reacted to this post.

Have you read the forum guidelines for effective communication already?