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Power move: "I've had bad experiences"

#1 · February 16, 2021, 10:10 pm

Hello guys,

so this girl on Tinder I got her number, we vibe it's all good. I passed her "what do you look for on Tinder" frame. She agrees to meet me tomorrow evening after her work at 6pm for an hour. I want to set up a date at my place. I do not have intention of sex for tomorrow night. Here it is:

Her: I'd rather not for a first encounter. I don't want to offend you.
Me: Ah why? (surfacing)
Her: There are not only well-intentioned people in life. I already had the experience.
Me: You don't like tea (was out of sync, it was supposed to land before the previous one, trying to light up the mood)
Her: Hahaha moreover (I gave her an excuse, well done) I am not a fan of tea, yes
Me: Ouch! Sorry for you (empathizing). What do you like to drink?
Her: Addicted to Red Bull (little monkey hides his face emoticon)
Me: Hahahaha ok
Her: But I'm drinking less (biceps emoticon)
Me: I'm not judging
Her: Ony 1 a day, before 3-4 (emoticon with sweat)
Me: I drank something like that today from this supermarket. Alright. That being said, everything is closed that is why I proposed you this.
Her: Yes but we can have a walk, there's a park up there (Not her first rodeo, it seems)
Me: Ok but at 6pm it's a bit cold. We can decide at the moment
Her: Yes, we will wear a thick jacket
Me: See you tomorrow at 6pm!
Her: Yes, see you tomorrow, have a good evening (grin face emoticon)
Me: Have a good evening! :)
Her: Thank you

My question is that I followed her lead too much I believe. That is my mistake in dating. I was also too naive, not seeing the power dynamics behind it. So now I'm aware that I'm not aware enough.

What would be your advice from there? I'm thinking about:

Having a walk but on the lakeshore (it's pretty)
Going to the railway station

If I follow her lead with her idea she will discount me as a dominant man. That's where my head is at. My goal regarding dating is to improve my skills. So I'm not attached to any result.

#2 · February 17, 2021, 3:12 am

Hmmm, I'd be worried the lakeshore is too "coupley" for a first date.

I'd keep it simpler.
If the only other option is the railstation, then I'd go for that -but if you can find a nice cafe with a nice walk to get there, then I'd go for that-.

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#3 · February 17, 2021, 3:36 am

Yes, that would be ideal. However, the problem is that with the current state, there is a curfew so all cafés are closed until the end of the month. That's the initial issue.

#4 · February 17, 2021, 2:44 pm

Quote from Jack North on February 17, 2021, 2:44 pm
Perhaps use the curfew to your advantage?
One of the moves I've recommended during all these Covid lockdowns has been having some drinks and snacks at your place. The public meeting and walk / cafe are a good way to get to know each other a bit, make sure neither of you is crazy, then you could suggest having a drink (or a Red Bull!) at your place. This would be even stronger since you've already framed the conversation around her not thinking people are well-intentioned... and, well, you've already made your lack of intentions known.
A cafe or a walk are a good start, but I'd be more concerned about the time frame you suggested. A one hour date isn't really very long, and unless you can do something super memorable, probably won't stand out. I'd aim to make things a little more personalized somehow, and being in one's home always makes that easier. Perhaps you have a pet, instrument, or photo album - something interesting and personal that you could offer to show her at your place? Maybe some kind of common interest that you've discussed already? I've offered to show girl books before when we discussed enjoying reading, that way we can see what we styles of books we may have in common.
Usually a trip back home sounds sexually suggestive, but it doesn't have to be. However, you do need to know what your frame is before going in, otherwise you'll end up waffling and not coming off as strong and congruent. Something to help with this would be clearly defining what you think the terms of a bad, okay, and great date are on this particular instance, before going to meet her. EX: It will be a bad date if we meet and she stays for less than an hour with minimal connection. It will be an okay date if she stays for an hour to two hours and we have some connection, but not much. It will be a great date if she stays for more than 2 hours and we have a great connection, specifically without having sex. That last part is going to be important if you have decided you don't want to have sex with her yet. You don't want to get to a point where things go really well, you guys hook up, and she says, 'I knew he just wanted sex.' It can be much more powerful in some instances to say, 'Wait, we already said we're not going to have sex on the first date. Instead, let's enjoy this night and our time together, then see how we're feeling next time we meet.'
Hope the date goes well, let us know!

Perhaps use the curfew to your advantage?

One of the moves I've recommended during all these Covid lockdowns has been having some drinks and snacks at your place. The public meeting and walk / cafe are a good way to get to know each other a bit, make sure neither of you is crazy, then you could suggest having a drink (or a Red Bull!) at your place. This would be even stronger since you've already framed the conversation around her not thinking people are well-intentioned... and, well, you've already made your lack of intentions known.

A cafe or a walk are a good start, but I'd be more concerned about the time frame you suggested. A one hour date isn't really very long, and unless you can do something super memorable, probably won't stand out. I'd aim to make things a little more personalized somehow, and being in one's home always makes that easier. Perhaps you have a pet, instrument, or photo album - something interesting and personal that you could offer to show her at your place? Maybe some kind of common interest that you've discussed already? I've offered to show girl books before when we discussed enjoying reading, that way we can see what we styles of books we may have in common.

Usually a trip back home sounds sexually suggestive, but it doesn't have to be. However, you do need to know what your frame is before going in, otherwise you'll end up waffling and not coming off as strong and congruent. Something to help with this would be clearly defining what you think the terms of a bad, okay, and great date are on this particular instance, before going to meet her. EX: It will be a bad date if we meet and she stays for less than an hour with minimal connection. It will be an okay date if she stays for an hour to two hours and we have some connection, but not much. It will be a great date if she stays for more than 2 hours and we have a great connection, specifically without having sex. That last part is going to be important if you have decided you don't want to have sex with her yet. You don't want to get to a point where things go really well, you guys hook up, and she says, 'I knew he just wanted sex.' It can be much more powerful in some instances to say, 'Wait, we already said we're not going to have sex on the first date. Instead, let's enjoy this night and our time together, then see how we're feeling next time we meet.'

Hope the date goes well, let us know!

Lucio Buffalmano and Matthew Whitewood have reacted to this post.

#5 · February 17, 2021, 7:52 pm

Thank you very much Jack for your feed-back! :)

Follow up

Two words: crazy girl. We did end up walking by the lake (I agree with you Lucio, though. This was my least worst option.). In short: she spoke the whole time about herself. She has nice boobs and nice (fake) lips. Her personality is not worth it, though. My stance: I listened a lot and was quite dominant. When I could talk, I could make us laugh. So the intentions I had before the date were fulfilled (show myself as high-quality, be dominant, improve my dating skills). I see more and more that I'm leaving the narcissists in my past as they are not attractive to me anymore, despite having a nice body. They really feel like an empty shell. I'm sad to say it but this is how it feels being with them. I'm making progress.

Cheers!

Lucio Buffalmano, Matthew Whitewood and Jack North have reacted to this post.

#6 · February 20, 2021, 2:42 am

Unfortunate that it turned out that way, but I'm glad to hear that the date went how you wanted overall. I completely understand about having different opinions about different types of women as we age. There were girls I dated back in the day that I wouldn't touch with a 39-and-a-half foot pole now. Adapt and overcome. I actually have a whole series written about the different types of women, the pros and cons of dating each, and how to best succeed with them here on my site. Though my focus is on Korean women, the principles apply globally. Maybe that will help you get a better idea of who you are looking for rather than dating and filtering those who are a waste of time in your current head space.

(Note: I'm not sure if linking to my own content is allowed here when topical, but if not I can remove it without hard feelings. Definitely not trying to be gauche.)

Matthew Whitewood has reacted to this post.