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Power Move: "Thank you for your apologies"

#1 · August 15, 2020, 7:59 am

Quote from John Freeman on August 15, 2020, 7:59 am
Hello guys,
here is the context:
A mother I was giving advice to for her sick child (who was not so sick) understood nothing from what I said and stayed in the room and cried (power move) after I left. The nurse came in and gave advice and reassured the mother. I was not aware of this and was just surprised to see the mother leave the room 15 min after the end of the consult. The nurse later pulled me on the side with a "it's nothing serious but I want to tell you something" (power move) and told me that the mother cried "because of me". I was quite surprised and told her what happened (explained me to her, gave her power). She basically complained to the nurse about me. I later thought about it and found that the professional move was to call the mother to see what happened.
This is when I found out she completely misinterpreted what I said with a huge twisted victim mentality (narcissism style) and out plain lack of intelligence. She complained about my tone. I told her: "I did not judge you" (I did: she was coming for a "second opinion" on a child who was already taken care of by her pediatrician), "I'm sorry if you felt judged" and she said "thank you for your apologies". I called her also because I was afraid that she would complain about me to management (she's the kind of people who do). I took ownership of my communication, though.
Later on, knowing that the nurses at my job can be slimy and sneaky and could tell my supervisors what happened framed in a way that I would hide it ("he didn't tell you??"), I talked to the executive medical officer to explain to her what happen. She was very comprehensive and surprised that I would come to her about that. But the most important part, she said: "the nurse should have come and tell you while she was here to have a direct explanation".
So I see 2 power moves here:
The nurse triangulating the communication to gain some power for herself and also gaining the power of the judge on my work and being able to give me a private feed-back in a way that a supervisor would. I call it a power move because she prevented direct communication between me and the mother whereas she could have facilitated it.
The mother thanking me for apologies I never gave. Yes she annoyed me with her attitude and stupidity and my tone reflected it. But that does not mean I apologized for it. I acknowledged she felt this way but it was her responsibility, not mine.
I controlled the damage by preventing the mother from complaining about me and preventing the nurse to complain about me to the medical chief executive.
Next time I see this nurse, my intention is to say the exact same words she told me and bring her to the exact same place and tell her in a very gentle way what the medical chief executive told me. "X told me that it is important that in this kind of cases you tell me so I can directly talk with the mother". With this power move, I can rebalance and put her back at her place and reminding her of the professional way of dealing with these situations.
What do you think?
PS: I know it's a mildly toxic environment :(

Hello guys,

here is the context:

A mother I was giving advice to for her sick child (who was not so sick) understood nothing from what I said and stayed in the room and cried (power move) after I left. The nurse came in and gave advice and reassured the mother. I was not aware of this and was just surprised to see the mother leave the room 15 min after the end of the consult. The nurse later pulled me on the side with a "it's nothing serious but I want to tell you something" (power move) and told me that the mother cried "because of me". I was quite surprised and told her what happened (explained me to her, gave her power). She basically complained to the nurse about me. I later thought about it and found that the professional move was to call the mother to see what happened.

This is when I found out she completely misinterpreted what I said with a huge twisted victim mentality (narcissism style) and out plain lack of intelligence. She complained about my tone. I told her: "I did not judge you" (I did: she was coming for a "second opinion" on a child who was already taken care of by her pediatrician), "I'm sorry if you felt judged" and she said "thank you for your apologies". I called her also because I was afraid that she would complain about me to management (she's the kind of people who do). I took ownership of my communication, though.

Later on, knowing that the nurses at my job can be slimy and sneaky and could tell my supervisors what happened framed in a way that I would hide it ("he didn't tell you??"), I talked to the executive medical officer to explain to her what happen. She was very comprehensive and surprised that I would come to her about that. But the most important part, she said: "the nurse should have come and tell you while she was here to have a direct explanation".

So I see 2 power moves here:

The nurse triangulating the communication to gain some power for herself and also gaining the power of the judge on my work and being able to give me a private feed-back in a way that a supervisor would. I call it a power move because she prevented direct communication between me and the mother whereas she could have facilitated it.
The mother thanking me for apologies I never gave. Yes she annoyed me with her attitude and stupidity and my tone reflected it. But that does not mean I apologized for it. I acknowledged she felt this way but it was her responsibility, not mine.

I controlled the damage by preventing the mother from complaining about me and preventing the nurse to complain about me to the medical chief executive.

Next time I see this nurse, my intention is to say the exact same words she told me and bring her to the exact same place and tell her in a very gentle way what the medical chief executive told me. "X told me that it is important that in this kind of cases you tell me so I can directly talk with the mother". With this power move, I can rebalance and put her back at her place and reminding her of the professional way of dealing with these situations.

What do you think?

PS: I know it's a mildly toxic environment :(

#2 · August 15, 2020, 10:08 am

Hello John,

I'll get to this, and to the other topics as well (the lying one is super interesting and post-worthy).

Just one note, I changed the beginning of the message from "hey Lucio" to "hey guys".
I've done so that other people who might have an opinion and/or might have weighed in with some good ideas wouldn't feel cut out from sharing their opinion.

You can keep addressing me any time you are addressing me and me only.

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#3 · August 15, 2020, 11:28 am

I agree with you on this change of greetings. I admit that each time I'm posting a thread I hesitate between the two. Thanks for the nudge!

#4 · August 15, 2020, 12:00 pm

Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on August 15, 2020, 12:00 pm
John,
Great, great strategies there in covering the possible downsides!
Prevention by talking to your boss: Going to your superior first might have felt unneeded to your superior, but you also seemed proactive and like you're seeking improvement But, most of all, you "sterilized" any possible complaint coming from either the nurse, or the parent
Calling the parent to mend relationship: great work in getting in touch with the parent to clarify personally
And you've already done a great analysis:
Nasty power move from the nurse, absolutely.
Instead of helping smoothen things out, she took advantage of your mistake to advance herself and later gain power over you.
It's also very possible that while you were not there, she tried to frame you in a bad light to the parent ("overall he's a good doctor, but sometimes he can be a bit rough"), while positioning herself as the problem solver ("your kid is OK, and I will now talk to him").
I'm not sure I could recommend you to do the exact same thing the nurse did to you.
It would feel good and it would be a great power move... If you didn't have to deal with her again. But since you will deal with her again, then it might feel like you're getting revenge, which in turn can make an enemy where you don't necessarily need to make an enemy.
But it's otherwise a good idea to give her feedback again on this issue.
Answering to "thank you for your apologies"
Yes, that was also a power move.
The mother tried to frame you as apologizing yourself, which in turn sets the frame that "you had to apologize because you did something wrong".
If you wanted to risk it on that call, you could have said something like "yeah, thank you for saying that, I believe that when there is an error of communication and understanding, then both parties apologize and then you are good again".
Basically, anything that reset the frame of "it was an error on both sides" (of course, even if it was just her, it was too big of a risk to blame it all on her: those hypochondriac mothers are the most likely people to feign shock and run their mouths to ruin someone's reputation).

John,

Great, great strategies there in covering the possible downsides!

Prevention by talking to your boss: Going to your superior first might have felt unneeded to your superior, but you also seemed proactive and like you're seeking improvement But, most of all, you "sterilized" any possible complaint coming from either the nurse, or the parent
Calling the parent to mend relationship: great work in getting in touch with the parent to clarify personally

And you've already done a great analysis:

Nasty power move from the nurse, absolutely.
Instead of helping smoothen things out, she took advantage of your mistake to advance herself and later gain power over you.
It's also very possible that while you were not there, she tried to frame you in a bad light to the parent ("overall he's a good doctor, but sometimes he can be a bit rough"), while positioning herself as the problem solver ("your kid is OK, and I will now talk to him").

I'm not sure I could recommend you to do the exact same thing the nurse did to you.
It would feel good and it would be a great power move... If you didn't have to deal with her again. But since you will deal with her again, then it might feel like you're getting revenge, which in turn can make an enemy where you don't necessarily need to make an enemy.

But it's otherwise a good idea to give her feedback again on this issue.

Answering to "thank you for your apologies"

Yes, that was also a power move.

The mother tried to frame you as apologizing yourself, which in turn sets the frame that "you had to apologize because you did something wrong".

If you wanted to risk it on that call, you could have said something like "yeah, thank you for saying that, I believe that when there is an error of communication and understanding, then both parties apologize and then you are good again".
Basically, anything that reset the frame of "it was an error on both sides" (of course, even if it was just her, it was too big of a risk to blame it all on her: those hypochondriac mothers are the most likely people to feign shock and run their mouths to ruin someone's reputation).

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#5 · August 15, 2020, 2:08 pm

Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on August 15, 2020, 12:00 pm
I'm not sure I could recommend you to do the exact same thing the nurse did to you.
It would feel good and it would be a great power move... If you didn't have to deal with her again. But since you will deal with her again, then it might feel like you're getting revenge, which in turn can make an enemy where you don't necessarily need to make an enemy.
But it's otherwise a good idea to give her feedback again on this issue.

Thanks for cleaning the emotional part. Yes there was an intention of hurting her back, even though it does not look good to admit it. I will refrain from it as it is counterproductive, I agree. I'll mention it casually to the nurse next time I see her instead of putting pressure on her. Making it lighter rather than earlier. And warmer rather than colder.

If you wanted to risk it on that call, you could have said something like "yeah, thank you for saying that, I believe that when there is an error of communication and understanding, then both parties apologize and then you are good again".
Basically, anything that reset the frame of "it was an error on both sides" (of course, even if it was just her, it was too big of a risk to blame it all on her: those hypochondriac mothers are the most likely people to feign shock and run their mouths to ruin someone's reputation).

Thank you very much. Very powerful indeed. Collaborative frame at work.

Thank you very much for your answers, it is very very useful to me! :)