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Power move: "you wish me happy birthday only now?"

#1 · February 4, 2021, 8:21 pm

Quote from John Freeman on February 4, 2021, 8:21 pm
Hello guys,
Experience
in my social group, I think the battle for leadership has begun and I think two of the guys are manipulators or at least power hungry.
In the whatsapp group nasty social climber A. wished happy birthday (he had to do it in the group of course) to housemate R. Of course, A.'s friends followed and housemate JB as well. Remember that I created the whatsapp group and that I introduced these people to one another.
I did not want to follow so here is what I asked housemate R. in private:
Me: Is today your birthday?
Him: some people say it
Me: Happy Birthday R.!
Him: Aaaaah at last! (approximate translation from french)
Him: thank you buddy (approximate translation from french)
Me: "At last"? (knowing he was playing the game of him being the judge of me sending a message later than nasty social climber A. and the two other friends)
Him: Yes, everybody already wished it to me in the group (that I created, motherfucker)
Me: I did not understand? (that is a lie, I understood what he meant, I wanted him to say what he really means so he reveals his nasty game).
Analysis
So my opinion is as I said earlier that R. is also a social climber and that I did not know him enough to be able to see it. It's also probably out of insecurity. I should have never told him that I did not want to see nasty social climber A. I think my previous mistake was to give up and let the bad people take over the group. This time, I'm not giving up. I will make mistakes, I will get kicked but I won't give up.
Off topic
from the power move, I think that you were right Lucio: the best strategy is to hand pick people from groups. Otherwise, there is always a rotten apple either hiding or making the other apples turn bad. Quality over quantity. I have to be very careful because there are more nasty people that I imagined. Also, becoming higher quality, I think that I'm seeing more low-quality people mechanically. The higher I go, the higher I see.
I also realized one more thing: the cake I brought last time for the housemates. R. ate most of it. They told me. So it all goes together in one piece. It's part of the game, you meet 4 new people, you find 1 great person. That's already a good ratio. I met JB and best friend N. I'm happy I did. I'm going to do more board games and meals with cool and over time, I'll only be surrounded by high quality people. I now understand the process. You meet cool people: with time you find out some are rotten and some are cool. You keep the cool and you throw out the rotten people. Rinse and repeat.
Off topic
What do you think?
Cheers!

Hello guys,

Experience

in my social group, I think the battle for leadership has begun and I think two of the guys are manipulators or at least power hungry.

In the whatsapp group nasty social climber A. wished happy birthday (he had to do it in the group of course) to housemate R. Of course, A.'s friends followed and housemate JB as well. Remember that I created the whatsapp group and that I introduced these people to one another.

I did not want to follow so here is what I asked housemate R. in private:

Me: Is today your birthday?
Him: some people say it
Me: Happy Birthday R.!
Him: Aaaaah at last! (approximate translation from french)
Him: thank you buddy (approximate translation from french)
Me: "At last"? (knowing he was playing the game of him being the judge of me sending a message later than nasty social climber A. and the two other friends)
Him: Yes, everybody already wished it to me in the group (that I created, motherfucker)
Me: I did not understand? (that is a lie, I understood what he meant, I wanted him to say what he really means so he reveals his nasty game).

Analysis

So my opinion is as I said earlier that R. is also a social climber and that I did not know him enough to be able to see it. It's also probably out of insecurity. I should have never told him that I did not want to see nasty social climber A. I think my previous mistake was to give up and let the bad people take over the group. This time, I'm not giving up. I will make mistakes, I will get kicked but I won't give up.

Off topic

from the power move, I think that you were right Lucio: the best strategy is to hand pick people from groups. Otherwise, there is always a rotten apple either hiding or making the other apples turn bad. Quality over quantity. I have to be very careful because there are more nasty people that I imagined. Also, becoming higher quality, I think that I'm seeing more low-quality people mechanically. The higher I go, the higher I see.

I also realized one more thing: the cake I brought last time for the housemates. R. ate most of it. They told me. So it all goes together in one piece. It's part of the game, you meet 4 new people, you find 1 great person. That's already a good ratio. I met JB and best friend N. I'm happy I did. I'm going to do more board games and meals with cool and over time, I'll only be surrounded by high quality people. I now understand the process. You meet cool people: with time you find out some are rotten and some are cool. You keep the cool and you throw out the rotten people. Rinse and repeat.

Off topic

What do you think?

Cheers!

Lucio Buffalmano, Matthew Whitewood and 2 other users have reacted to this post.

#2 · February 5, 2021, 7:02 am

Quote from Matthew Whitewood on February 5, 2021, 7:02 am
I have been on the receiving end of a power move reply to a birthday wish.
Asserting Myself On A Friend Nitpicking My Happy Birthday Wish
Lucio advised that this is power scalping.
I can see that this is similar in this example.
It is extremely annoying because you approached with warmth & sincerity, and he wanted to take advantage of that to gain "power".
In this case, no actual power but just a sense of power.
In my case, it was more smart-alecky.
Here it is condescending and entitled.
It says indirectly
Yeah man, I expect you to wish me happy birthday.
What took you so long?
I think your advice on my thread can be applied similarly in this case.
Some sarcasm could work.
Him: Yes, everybody already wished it to me in the group
You: A good friend wishes you happy birthday, and that's all you got? At last?
Or Lucio's recommendation on the good, old assertion
Him: Yes, everybody already wished it to me in the group
You: I wished you happy birthday, which is a kind gesture, and while I may be the last person to do so, it feels demeaning when one focuses on me being last rather than my gesture.
I thought drawing him out with low investment was a great move
Him: Aaaaah at last!
You: At last?
Lucio taught me the question mark move on my own thread.
Meeting game with game.
Another variation:
Him: Aaaaah at last!
You: (Quoting and replying on WhatsApp) ?
The powerful single question mark.
How I Leveraged Being the WhatsApp Owner of the Group Chat - A Separate Personal Incident?
I think this was 4 years ago.
I was the creator and owner of the WhatsApp group.
This was to facilitate the study of a new topic.
I offered some new material on the chat (warmth) and a person used this opportunity to power scalp me.
Basically I kicked him out of the chat and told everyone "(name) has been kicked out due to bad behaviour!"
Me: Here is a new set of information that I found useful towards my own study of this topic!
Him: Wow, mr expert, bravo! (something along this lines; the sarcasm was obvious)
[(name) has been removed from the WhatsApp group]
Me: He was behaving badly. (or he was naughty)

I have been on the receiving end of a power move reply to a birthday wish.
Asserting Myself On A Friend Nitpicking My Happy Birthday Wish

Lucio advised that this is power scalping.
I can see that this is similar in this example.
It is extremely annoying because you approached with warmth & sincerity, and he wanted to take advantage of that to gain "power".
In this case, no actual power but just a sense of power.

In my case, it was more smart-alecky.
Here it is condescending and entitled.
It says indirectly

Yeah man, I expect you to wish me happy birthday.
What took you so long?

I think your advice on my thread can be applied similarly in this case.
Some sarcasm could work.

Him: Yes, everybody already wished it to me in the group
You: A good friend wishes you happy birthday, and that's all you got? At last?

Or Lucio's recommendation on the good, old assertion

Him: Yes, everybody already wished it to me in the group
You: I wished you happy birthday, which is a kind gesture, and while I may be the last person to do so, it feels demeaning when one focuses on me being last rather than my gesture.

I thought drawing him out with low investment was a great move

Him: Aaaaah at last!
You: At last?

Lucio taught me the question mark move on my own thread.
Meeting game with game.
Another variation:

Him: Aaaaah at last!
You: (Quoting and replying on WhatsApp) ?

The powerful single question mark.

How I Leveraged Being the WhatsApp Owner of the Group Chat - A Separate Personal Incident?

I think this was 4 years ago.
I was the creator and owner of the WhatsApp group.
This was to facilitate the study of a new topic.
I offered some new material on the chat (warmth) and a person used this opportunity to power scalp me.
Basically I kicked him out of the chat and told everyone "(name) has been kicked out due to bad behaviour!"

Me: Here is a new set of information that I found useful towards my own study of this topic!
Him: Wow, mr expert, bravo! (something along this lines; the sarcasm was obvious)
[(name) has been removed from the WhatsApp group]
Me: He was behaving badly. (or he was naughty)

#3 · February 5, 2021, 7:34 am

Hello Matthew,

thanks for your answer!

Of course I remembered when you were on the receiving end of such low-value behavior. Now it’s my turn!

That is why I said that housemate R. was a social climber: since a week ago he’s been behaving like that with me. So I think it’s his baseline behavior. I don’t think he’s as narcissistic as nasty social climber A. but he’s clearly has some issues. I’m not sure exactly of what nature though.

I do think I have to do more surfacing. I will lose in warmth (high power behavior) but I can always rebuild good will after that.

I think that’s the next step for me in social skills: facing my fear of confrontation/conflict which goes along with the fear of being ostracized or thought as “bad”.

Going back to the exact topic: I did use as low investment on purpose. I also could have used the powerful question mark.

Note that he did not explain any further.

Matthew Whitewood has reacted to this post.

#4 · February 5, 2021, 7:49 am

Of course I remembered when you were on the receiving end of such low-value behavior. Now it’s my turn!

I guess that's why we are both on this website.
And this is why Lucio built his courses and this forum environment as well!
The world is full of these people.
But we are strategising and coming out ahead.

I do think I have to do more surfacing. I will lose in warmth (high power behavior) but I can always rebuild good will after that.

I remembered learning this on another thread as well.
Probably a few of threads have this strategy in place.
Punish nasty behaviour and reward value-adding behaviour.

I think that’s the next step for me in social skills: facing my fear of confrontation/conflict which goes along with the fear of being ostracized or thought as “bad”.

I think that we all have this to a certain degree.
Sometimes I need to bite the bullet and draw a line in the sand as well.

Note that he did not explain any further.

Looks like you have cornered him.
He doesn't know whether to be more direct in his aggression or retreat backwards.

#5 · February 5, 2021, 7:13 pm

Quote from Matthew Whitewood on February 5, 2021, 7:49 am

Looks like you have cornered him.
He doesn't know whether to be more direct in his aggression or retreat backwards.

I think so as well.