Former Community – We Moved

🆕 Coached community here, for posts & feedback public community here.

ForumPublic Forum: Self-DevelopmentPower moves are self-development …

Please or Register to create posts and topics.

Power moves are self-development signals (sometimes)

#1 · October 19, 2023, 9:38 am

Over time I've seen a few threads here in which people ask how to defend or respond but I actually thought:

The power move you got was actually well-called for.

So sometimes the question is not "how can I respond" but "how can I improve myself and/or my behavior to not receive those power moves anymore".

That for long-term self-development.
In the immediate, the question is "how can I defend myself and re-empower them as well and maintain rapport/friendship". (Depending on the situation, it can be by aligning or surfacing the issue or apologizing while also calling out their power move and clarifying right there and then).

After all, we also learn here to attack when it's well-called for.

If the receiver always thinks "I need to respond", they'll always fail to realize that instead, they may need to be more cooperative.
Or less socially awkward / touchy / manipulative / aggressive / or whatever.

I think this is an important reminder for us all.

Asking ourselves "was that well-called for?". "Did I have it coming".

Ali Scarlett, John Freeman and 9 other users have reacted to this post.

Community, new content and Confidence University now available here.

#2 · October 19, 2023, 10:31 am

Hello Lucio,

Thank you very much. Yes, I agree 100%. One situation about which I posted recently I thought about this (and that's why I put the cat down). For others I might lack some self-awareness, it's definitely a possibility.

I'll re-visit my recent posts with the framework you shared above.

Kavalier, Zathrian and Power Duck have reacted to this post.

#3 · October 19, 2023, 11:26 am

Just to be clear, this is a good reminder for all (John included, but we all can fall for this, me included, and wasn't meant as a "to John" and nobody else, see here).

John Freeman and Power Duck have reacted to this post.

Community, new content and Confidence University now available here.

#4 · October 19, 2023, 11:26 am

I like the ideas presented here, and particularly self awareness is very important. Perhaps a thread should be started on specific tactics to do in order to develop self awareness, similar to the article on "Social Power Dynamics" with the Power Traffic Light which very clearly and effectively explains power moves. If something similar can be crafted for developing self awareness it'd be a great resource for everyone and a great way for the people contributing it to asses their own levels of self awareness.

Lucio Buffalmano, Mats G and 2 other users have reacted to this post.

#5 · October 19, 2023, 11:33 am

Quote from Zathrian on October 19, 2023, 11:26 am
I like the ideas presented here, and particularly self awareness is very important. Perhaps a thread should be started on specific tactics to do in order to develop self awareness, similar to the article on "Social Power Dynamics" with the Power Traffic Light which very clearly and effectively explains power moves. If something similar can be crafted for developing self awareness it'd be a great resource for everyone and a great way for the people contributing it to asses their own levels of self awareness.

Awesome idea, and I hadn't thought about that.

A post on self-assessment could be really useful indeed.

Not strictly about power dynamics, but definitely feeds into social and life effectiveness.

Maybe a blend of:

How not to be an (unwitting) asshole
How to avoid being awkward / making social faux pas
Common social pitfalls we don't realize we're making

And in the positive:

How to be (socially) "cool"

Potentially, could also turn into a quiz.

Thank you Zathrian!

If anyone has any more ideas, happy to read.

Matthew Whitewood, Zathrian and 3 other users have reacted to this post.

Community, new content and Confidence University now available here.

#6 · October 19, 2023, 11:58 am

Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on October 19, 2023, 11:26 am
Just to be clear, this is a good reminder for all (John included, but we all can fall for this, me included, and wasn't meant as a "to John" and nobody else, see here).

Yes it was crystal clear, thanks. To clarify on my side: I meant that this feed-back is useful for me and it’s an opportunity to include these metrics in my posts (I don’t want to speak for other people but I understood I was not the only one). I will use these metrics from now on as I think it’s a great addition to the one you proposed in the forum guidelines: proposing solution. The framework you propose:

Self-defense solutions

How can I improve myself and/or my behavior to not receive those power moves anymore?

Was that power move well-called for?

Is a powerful framework that I think is a powerhouse for progress.

Kavalier and Power Duck have reacted to this post.

#7 · October 19, 2023, 11:57 pm

I feel like it's a bit of column A and column B with this one and as we normally say best thing is case by case. Yes absolutely people can be too thin skinned. And everyone here knows that the problem with being a people pleaser is everyone dumps the worst tasks on you and then still dislike you for being so weak.

But I also feel like if you take this too far then it becomes blame the victim.

Personally I use something lucio taught me the difference between public and private slaps

If people power move on me and it's just me and them well water duck. Publicly I'm likely to slap back and will turn the volume up or down depending on their rung in the hierarchy

Lucio Buffalmano, John Freeman and 2 other users have reacted to this post.

#8 · October 20, 2023, 7:49 am

Yeah Transitioned, I think you bring up 2 points: "Extreme Ownership" that Lucio brought up some time ago and public vs private.

Extreme Ownership

About victim blaming. If one thinks he's 100% responsible to what happens to him then he feels like he's also responsible for other people's actions and reactions. This is a cognitive distortion and therefore paradoxically disempowering.

Personally I think the power of this framework is that it still keeps in mind the defence. So it's both taking into account what we did and what the other person did. I think it allows to modify long-term behaviour and to address how to defend. That's my understanding.

Public vs Private

First, I want to say that the water duck approach is inspiring to me. Also, I have a slightly different opinion regarding public vs private. In private I think it's not about our status within the group. So it matters less that we defend. However, our status is still at stake and therefore our power. If one person continually disrespects us in private, then we internalize that we're inferior to them. It will have consequences on our self-esteem and confidence. When we're in the group, we will probably submit unconsciously to this person as we did in private. So it could cement a disempowering reality in private that could translate in public.

So I think it's not about "winning" all interactions but rather not losing the ones were there is no reason to lose (we did nothing wrong, the other person is an abuser, the other person is wrong in their assessment, self-sabotage, low self-esteem, etc.).

That's my opinion. Of course feel free to disagree or clarify if I misunderstood your point or if my communication is not ideal.

Kavalier has reacted to this post.

#9 · October 20, 2023, 9:39 am

Quote from John Freeman on October 20, 2023, 7:49 am
Public vs Private
First, I want to say that the water duck approach is inspiring to me. Also, I have a slightly different opinion regarding public vs private. In private I think it's not about our status within the group. So it matters less that we defend. However, our status is still at stake and therefore our power. If one person continually disrespects us in private, then we internalize that we're inferior to them. It will have consequences on our self-esteem and confidence. When we're in the group, we will probably submit unconsciously to this person as we did in private. So it could cement a disempowering reality in private that could translate in public.
So I think it's not about "winning" all interactions but rather not losing the ones were there is no reason to lose (we did nothing wrong, the other person is an abuser, the other person is wrong in their assessment, self-sabotage, low self-esteem, etc.).

Addendum: of course I could be wrong or having misunderstood.

#10 · October 22, 2023, 10:22 pm

Quote from Matthew Whitewood on October 22, 2023, 10:22 pm
Building upon the ideas already on this thread,
Zathrian: I like the ideas presented here, and particularly self awareness is very important. Perhaps a thread should be started on specific tactics to do in order to develop self awareness, similar to the article on "Social Power Dynamics" with the Power Traffic Light which very clearly and effectively explains power moves. If something similar can be crafted for developing self awareness it'd be a great resource for everyone and a great way for the people contributing it to asses their own levels of self awareness.
Lucio: A post on self-assessment could be really useful indeed.
Not strictly about power dynamics, but definitely feeds into social and life effectiveness.
In clinical psychology, there's a type of therapy called Schema Therapy.
It builds upon Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) and Attachment Theory.
I personally did Schema Therapy with two therapists so far.
I found it immensely useful.
In Schema Therapy, the Young Schema Questionnaire (YSQ) is a widely used psychological assessment tool developed by Dr. Jeffrey Young. It is designed to identify the presence of 18 maladaptive schemas, which are deeply ingrained patterns of thoughts, emotions, and behaviors that often originate in childhood and persist into adulthood. These schemas can significantly influence one's perception of oneself, others, and the world at large.
The 18 Maladaptive Schemas
The 18 maladaptive schemas are categorized into five domains:
Disconnection & Rejection: Includes schemas like abandonment, mistrust, and emotional deprivation.
Impaired Autonomy & Performance: Includes schemas such as dependence, vulnerability, and enmeshment.
Impaired Limits: Includes entitlement and insufficient self-control.
Other-Directedness: Includes schemas like subjugation, self-sacrifice, and approval-seeking.
Overvigilance & Inhibition: Includes schemas such as negativity, emotional inhibition, and unrelenting standards.
Here are the full 18 maladaptive schemas,
18 Early Schemas Defined (schematherapy.com)
Schema Modes
Schema modes are moment-to-moment emotional states and coping responses that we all experience. They are driven by one or more of the 18 maladaptive schemas and often serve as a way to cope with or avoid the pain associated with these schemas. For example, a person with an abandonment schema might go into a "Detached Protector" mode, emotionally withdrawing from others to avoid potential rejection.
Understanding the interplay between maladaptive schemas and schema modes is crucial for effective Schema Therapy. The therapy aims to identify and challenge these schemas and modes, offering healthier alternatives for coping and relating to the world.
Summary
Maladaptive schemas explain maladaptive general tendencies in thoughts, emotions, and behaviors.
When certain situations trigger our maladaptive schemas, schema modes describe how we think, feel and behave in specific maladaptive ways.

Building upon the ideas already on this thread,

Zathrian: I like the ideas presented here, and particularly self awareness is very important. Perhaps a thread should be started on specific tactics to do in order to develop self awareness, similar to the article on "Social Power Dynamics" with the Power Traffic Light which very clearly and effectively explains power moves. If something similar can be crafted for developing self awareness it'd be a great resource for everyone and a great way for the people contributing it to asses their own levels of self awareness.
Lucio: A post on self-assessment could be really useful indeed.
Not strictly about power dynamics, but definitely feeds into social and life effectiveness.

In clinical psychology, there's a type of therapy called Schema Therapy.
It builds upon Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) and Attachment Theory.

I personally did Schema Therapy with two therapists so far.
I found it immensely useful.

In Schema Therapy, the Young Schema Questionnaire (YSQ) is a widely used psychological assessment tool developed by Dr. Jeffrey Young. It is designed to identify the presence of 18 maladaptive schemas, which are deeply ingrained patterns of thoughts, emotions, and behaviors that often originate in childhood and persist into adulthood. These schemas can significantly influence one's perception of oneself, others, and the world at large.

The 18 Maladaptive Schemas

The 18 maladaptive schemas are categorized into five domains:

Disconnection & Rejection: Includes schemas like abandonment, mistrust, and emotional deprivation.
Impaired Autonomy & Performance: Includes schemas such as dependence, vulnerability, and enmeshment.
Impaired Limits: Includes entitlement and insufficient self-control.
Other-Directedness: Includes schemas like subjugation, self-sacrifice, and approval-seeking.
Overvigilance & Inhibition: Includes schemas such as negativity, emotional inhibition, and unrelenting standards.

Here are the full 18 maladaptive schemas,
18 Early Schemas Defined (schematherapy.com)

Schema Modes

Schema modes are moment-to-moment emotional states and coping responses that we all experience. They are driven by one or more of the 18 maladaptive schemas and often serve as a way to cope with or avoid the pain associated with these schemas. For example, a person with an abandonment schema might go into a "Detached Protector" mode, emotionally withdrawing from others to avoid potential rejection.

Understanding the interplay between maladaptive schemas and schema modes is crucial for effective Schema Therapy. The therapy aims to identify and challenge these schemas and modes, offering healthier alternatives for coping and relating to the world.

Summary

Maladaptive schemas explain maladaptive general tendencies in thoughts, emotions, and behaviors.

When certain situations trigger our maladaptive schemas, schema modes describe how we think, feel and behave in specific maladaptive ways.

Lucio Buffalmano has reacted to this post.