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Proactive win-win self-defense: Bel example

Loved this reply from Bel here.

On the "thank you thread" I had asked him to "give feedback on the original thread".

However, that wasn't great on my side.

It was slightly power-taking toward Bel because it implied that Bel wasn't doing it -which, instead, he is doing plenty, and he had correctly posted on that "thank you thread" simply because he had nothing to add in the original threads-.

And I could have been more power-protecting and smoother to avoid that implication (my bad!).


If Bel had said something like:

"yeah, I know that, I'm doing it and will keep doing it, but I did post here because... "

That would have thread-expanded on my original mistake and broken some more rapport by setting a very small, but not zero "not-so-collaborative" dynamic (ie.: "you wrongly implied something bad about me, and I now set things straight because you're wrong").

Plus, it would have been higher effort AND sounded defensive.

Nothing big, but it would still be a lose-lose.

Instead, look at how he did it (underlined is mine):

Quote from Bel on February 11, 2023, 1:03 am

Of course, will continue to do that. But here I really had nothing to add to your posts, that’s why I chose to write here.

And I’ll stop using “ask you for the courtesy” now!


  • Thread-minimizes & jumps through the obstacle by not directly mentioning the misunderstanding
  • Self-defense in the positive, as in "continue to do it" rather than negative and more disempowering forms of "not going to post here... "
  • Miminizes effort (and maximizes power), keeping brief and simple
    • Sub-communicates that he was already doing it with one single word

The "that's why I chose" also explains his (correct) motivation without being defensive.

And then he ends with the change he is going to implement, which is an indirect way of giving back and saying thanks, which smoothens things over to end collaboratively.

A great option for even more win-win (& flying higher)

Another good and even more collaborative option could have been:

Yes, thank you for reminding that, I posted here because I had nothing more to dd and I will continue to use original threads for the feedback.


  • Thank you for reminding: a cool way to sub-communicate "I know that"

And me reading it would have thought "it was wrong of me to remind and imply he didn't know and damn, that was smooth".

And I'd have apologized even more profusely because I'd have recognized that it was my mistake, and that he was so kindly avoiding highlighting it and take it all upon himself to remain win-win and collaborative.

Ali Scarlett, Transitioned and Bel have reacted to this post.
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