Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on June 29, 2020, 10:10 am

Hello Rachel,

Well, in a way, yes.
You could probably put it that way.

Even more than emotional composure, it would be an "abnormal emotional composure".

The other side of the coin, of course, is that the person has emotional composure because he has no emotions, and that's what feels off.
Since most people are emotional -and I say it in the sense of having emotions, not in the sense of "having too many emotions"-, the psychopath stare also feels eerily weird, distant, and cold.

One study found out that more than almost 80% of the people interviewing criminal psychopaths could feel that something was off (women more than men).
The unusual patterns of eye contact and the piercing gaze was probably a big part of that, too.

 

Quote from Anon_User on June 30, 2020, 8:52 pm

Hi Lucio,

I see, makes sense. I misread psychopath stare as something that could be applicable to anybody instead of off and unfeeling behaviour of psychopaths.

I was relating it to a couple I know where the boyfriend stares at his girlfriend with an almost blank expression sometimes when she's stressed out before he says something pretty thoughtful or empathetic. It seems abnormal compared to me talking with her, but not like he's cold or uncaring.

Good to know!

Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on July 2, 2020, 6:24 am

Well, now that you mention it, Rachel,  I actually like that move.

It can serve to "prepare" the line you are about to say and give it more power (pre-suasion).

A stare is good for drawing major lines in the sand

It can also be used in a more aggressive way to control the frame, albeit still coming from an overall pro-social stance.

There is one example in the relationship module course where I talk about how to deal with the first potential opening of physical abuse from a man's point of view:

Her: And if that happens, you don't know what I will do
Him: What do you mean
Her: I will hit you
Him: (pause, staring) Do you would ever hit you?
Her: No
Him: Then why the f*ck would you say that (cursing is allowed when you need to draw a line in the sand that is as strong as possible)
Her: I'm sorry
Him: This is a serious issue, I do NOT accept violence of any kind in a relationship.
(pause)
Do I make myself clear?

And that is actually similar to an exchange I once had.

 

Quote from Anon_User on July 2, 2020, 3:53 pm

Yeah me too, they do it lovingly with each other, and it is kind of entertaining and suspenseful because they will say something thoughtful. It's like a dramatic change of pace instead of constant talking. I guess the suspense is pre-suasion because it primes that it's something important... whether on purpose or because they are taking more time to think it through what they really want to say instead of going with the flow, which could be awkward and rapport-breaking to people depending on the context. Kind of like this post: https://thepowermoves.com/forum/topic/questions-about-group-conversations/

I see what you're saying about how crucial it is be slow and emphatic for important times too.
Violence is a boundary that shouldn't be crossed or obfuscated. It is very degrading and destructive to the bond.

I remember that in the course, and I thought of this that women could say to discourage violence if it comes up, something like:

We don't want to go anywhere near path. It's a terrible direction.

With the alternative in mind:

You know we have much better ways to learn to be good to each other that will actually make things better in the long run. We can figure it out.

And always knowing this internally:

If you do that I'll leave and never come back. That is not okay.

I like how you handled it that the threat was brought out into the open and discouraged directly.