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Rebounding from a toxic LTR and dating a possibly avoidant

Hey there, I recently broke up with my two years girlfriend (Been in a toxic relationship full of drama). Just following the breakup, I met a beautiful woman that seamed very high value and has all the qualities I've been looking for. So I started dating her (Without getting any space following the old relationship), and then things progressed quickly. We went on a lot of consecutive dates, had sex multiple times, and seamed very attracted to me.

Now the issue here is that at some point, she stated that she doesn't want to put a label on the relationship and that she doesn't want to be exclusive or looking for something serious. Typically, that's what I would wish to, but for some reason, I felt something wrong at this particular instance since she asked for it. Could this be an indicator that she's an avoidant? Now in my past relationship, I used to have an avoidant attachment style (That I often work to make it more secure). What I'm noticing now is that it's like if I'm developing an anxious attachment and feeling that I'm starting to chase her (Which freaks me out).

Every time I meet her, she seems very into me and makes me feel she's falling for me, but shortly after that, she does something that would distance us.

Can anyone help me make sense of what's happening here? How do I know if she's avoidant and that I should stop seeing her? Is it possible that I'm forming an anxious attachment to her, although I was avoidant in my past relationship? Or is it only caused by the fact that I'm rebounding from an LTR? How do you respond to a girl asking for an open relationship, whereas you don't necessarily want that? Is it better for my emotional health and personal power to stop seeing this girl altogether at the moment until I get my shit together and recover from my past relationship? Or should I do an ultimatum at some point to make sure she's enough invested and interested to keep the relationship going?

Quote from tnboy on August 24, 2020, 1:51 am
  1. Can anyone help me make sense of what's happening here?
  2. How do I know if she's avoidant and that I should stop seeing her?
  3. Is it possible that I'm forming an anxious attachment to her, although I was avoidant in my past relationship?
  4. Or is it only caused by the fact that I'm rebounding from an LTR?
  5. How do you respond to a girl asking for an open relationship, whereas you don't necessarily want that?
  6. Is it better for my emotional health and personal power to stop seeing this girl altogether at the moment until I get my shit together and recover from my past relationship?
  7. Or should I do an ultimatum at some point to make sure she's enough invested and interested to keep the relationship going?

Hello tnboy,

Since we share tips on power dynamics, persuasion, and being more effective at life, my first question to you would be:

What do you think are the chances someone will answer to all of those questions?

Replying on forums and questions is helpful even for the replier, granted. But it also takes effort.
Your job is to make it easier for people to reply.

  • Lots of questions = higher effort to reply
  • Lots of questions = "paradox of choice", increased cognitive load on people's brain, which make it more likely they'll just move on
  • Lots of quesitons = people can pick and choose whatever they want reply to, and you lose control

 

Kellvo, tnboy and Stef have reacted to this post.
KellvotnboyStef
Have you read the forum guidelines for effective communication already?

Hi Lucio,

Thanks for your advice and thanks for keeping this forum organized and up to your standards.

Is there a way I can delete or edit this post?

Hey tnboy,

Props to you for taking that the positive and constructive way.

Now, to answer your question:

  1. I don't think you are becoming an anxious: attachment styles tend to be "sticky". They change, but not so easily and not so frequently
  2. You are chasing a relationship because you like the person: even within each style, basic power dynamics still apply. No matter your attachment style, if you like someone and that someone all of a sudden distance herself, emotional pain is natural, and wanting to restore that bond and "make her like us again" is just a simple, natural reaction
  3. To find out if she's avoidant, check her previous relationships: avoidants tend to have few relationships, and most of them very brief. Also ask her why she break up. Avoidants break up simply by "growing apart" because they needed space, so often there is no real major reason. But you must be strategic in finding that info. Also, keep in mind that women who are avoidant are a minority

When it comes to relationships, advising where to go is really, really difficult to say from a text message.
There are almost as many chances to advise you well than to advise you wrong, really.

Overall, so far it doesn't sound like it's going great.
When a partner wants to go back from relationship to dating, it's always a big sign of some major issue, or of an impending breakup.
It's either attraction is waning (can't say if it's her life circumstances or some of your behavior), or she has some deep-seated issue

Before calling it quits though, it could be a good idea to go to the bottom of her issue.
Don't chase her much, then when you meet again, have an overall great time and then, during a lull of the conversation, when you two are very close and bonded, just ask her neutrally:

You: look what's this thing about you needing some distance

Keep the question general, let her free to express herself.

And personally, I'd also start to mentally disengage.

 

Stef has reacted to this post.
Stef
Have you read the forum guidelines for effective communication already?
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