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Remaining powerful when you "need" help
Hey! This is a new situation I have encountered, which might extrapolate to similar other situations.
Recently had a pretty bad injury, walking on crutches.
People keep opening doors and feeling sad for me, offering help etc. Right now I really don't need the help and am being as independent as usually. I actually feel that such adversity is great for mental toughness, and certainly brings a perspective to life I would not think of before.
Despite the "sympathy" given, it seems to be an "poor you" frame actually? Or does this sort of situation disclose this? Of course the help is appreciated when needed, and you really do need a ride home from surgeries etc, or someone to carry your food, look after you for a while or so.
Anyway, injuries happen, and also sometimes you might need to ask for help or be helped similarly in other situations.
What would be the optimal mindset, and reactions to this sort of situation? Is it automatically lower power to be injured?
I am currently being as independent as possible, but often the first reactions from people seem to be some kind of "thats too bad/that sucks- frame" or so. I know I don't really need help right now, just the fact that people see you walking on crutches brings this reaction usually. On the comments, depends, but I mostly make a (pretty used) training upper body joke about it or something.
I would say: « it’s alright » with a facial expression saying « it’s not too bad”
Hi, SocialPower
I hope everything will be alright soon.
Well, I think that people default to this "poor you" frame when they see someone with a disability - or perceived disability - even it's temporary, as it's your case. It's hard to prevent people from doing this when they don't know you enough not to default to the general perception disability as lower power. In contexts where you are already perceived as powerful (In your social circles, or if you are famous...) it should be pretty much neutral. But for us mere mortals, who are still getting there, it's more viable to concentrate on what happens from the moment an interaction takes place (after the almost inevitable "one down" that comes with your injury).
You already have a great start just by doing what you are already doing: being assertive, adopting a positive frame, being more independent, being seen happier in general, making jokes like that one - just making sure you are not too self-deprecating. I think that one was good. (Walking on crutches is actually a great upper body workout, by the way :)
In public I think it has a lot to do with upping your non-verbals: walking/moving more firmly and vigorously (perhaps even adapting Lucio's power-walk to your situation - doable, but this depends on your specific injury and current fitness level. You can practice though), maintaining good posture, good voice tonality... Dressing up if it matters in your context. Every visible sign of power you can add should help to counterbalance this perception.
Perhaps you could even subvert some expectancies in some contexts. For example, if you are about to open a door and see someone walking behind you, hold the door for this person instead :)
Also, one good thing is that you are being opened a lot. Perhaps you can use this to your advantage - getting to know people that interest you, or even just practicing being social. It's an opportunity especially if you have a good story behind this injury of yours
Thank you John and Kavalier for the answers!
Quote from Kavalier on April 29, 2022, 11:04 pmAlso, one good thing is that you are being opened a lot. Perhaps you can use this to your advantage - getting to know people that interest you, or even just practicing being social. It's an opportunity especially if you have a good story behind this injury of yours
Hehe, yeah, you get to tell the story quite a lot. :D
That's awesome, man! Also I can learn a lot this mindset
I actually feel that such adversity is great for mental toughness, and certainly brings a perspective to life I would not think of before.
What I say when people keep insisting to give me unsolicited help: "I appreciate". This is a power move as this puts you in a judge role and frames others as "wanting to please you", and so should only be used in a context where you are loosing too much power because some people are insisting too much.
What I noticed is that usually if people have a decent amount of social intelligence, they will stop with the unsolicited help requests a lot more efficiently that if you turn them down (even politely).
Otherwise if they continue, this is where I can add things like "no worries, for now I'm good but I will let you know if I need help" with warmth.
If you want to tone the power move down, you can add a thank you such as in "thank you, I appreciate".
Quote from Alex on May 6, 2022, 8:59 amWhat I say when people keep insisting to give me unsolicited help: "I appreciate". This is a power move as this puts you in a judge role and frames others as "wanting to please you", and so should only be used in a context where you are loosing too much power because some people are insisting too much.
Nice one!
And yes, great mindset around that accident, SocialPower (and still, best wishes of speedy recovery).
With the opening doors and thing, I personally see little disempowerment there.
But another way of approaching it is the "thanks man" said with a very flat tonality, like you make nothing out of it (there's an example of that tonality in PU).
And as an added note, the "poor you" frame is a lot about mental states in cases like this.
It's very similar to what we described here on "white men's virtue signaling" for minorities: it's a mental virus.
But as long as you maintain your positive mental attitude about it, you're 80% there.
If someone does the "poor you" thing verbally, you can either shake your head and pout your mouth as if to say "what is that you're talking about" and say something:
- No, actually, it's totally fine
And then maybe go philosopher:
it's life, it's just life, there is nothing bad or good about it but what you make of it.
This is also a bit shaming to them as it sub-communicates they're unnecessarily negative.
But... They had it coming :).
Or go overboard and to correct and bring the "average" back in the middle:
- No, actually, it's great
And then explain the reasoning you gave here, which is spot on.
If instead you spot the "poor me" thing without verbal acknowledgment, you can either ignore it and maintain your spirit, or even surface it with "what do you mean when you make X".
