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Responding to an apology with a power move
The other day I sent an apology to a friend that lives in another country. I visited her and lived with her family for a few weeks the past summer but I was a poor guest. I was very self absorbed and acted like a spoiled child. The girl, let's call her Lisa, was very very excited to see me, to the point where I got a bit uncomfortable. As a result I started acting more and more cold towards her.
Now I'm trying to be less self absorbed and be a better person so I sent her a fairly long apology:
Hey Lisa, this is overdue but I want to apologize for being a dick last summer. I know you were very excited to see me again, and I was excited to see you as well but I didn't really show it. I've been very self obsessed for the past few years because I used to put others needs before my own when I grew up and it made me bitter. To compensate I started to only care about my own wants and needs and disregarding those of others. I'm not trying to make an excuse I just want to explain why I was such a bad friend. I'm very sorry for that, and I'm also sorry it took me almost a year to figure this out and apologize. I care a lot about you and I'm sorry I didn't show it, especially with everything that was going on last summer. I do hope I get a chance to make up for it the next time we meet (happy emoji).
I went for an honest and vulnerable apology not just because I was sorry but also to show that I was willing to put work into strengthening our friendship. She responded with:
It's okay hun!!!
To me, this was a power move. First of all she didn't bother at all to put any effort (I write her an essay, she responds with one sentence). Second of all, she calls me "hun" which in my mind is disrespectful; it feels like something an adult would say when they are comforting a kid.
Now the problem for me isn't that she responds with a power move (the fact that I'm apologizing already means I'm in the wrong). The problem is that she claims that "it's okay" but sub communicates that things are not okay. I would have accepted if she told me to fuck off and not speak with her again, I was in fact in the wrong. I would also have accepted if she told me that what I did was not okay and that she wouldn't forgive me. However, if things really were okay from her side, the correct thing to do would be to put in some effort to start rebuilding the relationship.
I'm not sure if this was meant as a power move or not, or if she really thinks we're okay. If it was meant as a power move then hats off to her, she certainly got me because I can't really answer it after already framing myself as the party who was wrong. I don't think it was intentional however, and if that's the case I think she made a big mistake: now, after I've tried to own up to the things I've done and put myself out there in a vulnerable way, would be an opportune time for her to build me back up and focus on making the relationship win-win. Instead, by answering with a power move it becomes lose-lose because I've disempowered myself with the apology and she has sub communicated that she doesn't want to put effort into fixing the friendship but she also doesn't want to say it outright or break it off. The way she responded felt very sneaky to me.
For the record, I decided to just read her response and not answer, and I will continue to treat her like the close friend I consider her to be. But she did lose some points with me.
This was just some thoughts on the importance of either building people back up after they apologize (if you want to strengthen the bond), or being straight by letting them know that things are not okay between you.
If anybody has any thoughts on this I'm happy to read.
Hi Mats,
based on the information you provide, I can only make a “best guess”, so take it as a shot to see if there’s something that sticks.
My thoughts are:
- your apology sounds a bit out of place.
While being able to apologize is good, here you are not apologizing for a specific action you took, but just for “being distant”. Which in my mind is not something one can be guilty of.
Your apology also seems too high investment, as if you were justifying yourself for not being “invested” in this girl, or as if you were using this chance to let some suppressed emotions come out.
In general, I suppose in situations like this it’s better to show your new mode of being by being kind and warm, rather than frame-expanding on the past mistakes one made by not being “sociable”.
- her reply does not sound like a power move to me.
She sounds like she really likes you, is possibly attracted to you, and wanted to help you in frame-minimizing.
I would personally take her response as a big sign of interest.
Of course, you were there and you know better. These are just some thoughts that came in my mind from reading your post.
Thank you for the reply Bel!
What you say makes a lot of sense to me. Especially this part:
Quote from Bel on June 4, 2023, 5:29 pm- your apology sounds a bit out of place.
While being able to apologize is good, here you are not apologizing for a specific action you took, but just for “being distant”. Which in my mind is not something one can be guilty of.
Over the time I was there visiting she became more distant, and she's been fairly cold towards me since then. I assumed this was because I was being distant. But as you say, this was just my general way of being, I didn't do anything specific that was out of place. Her being distant could have been due to any number of reasons that have nothing to do with me, in fact I can think of a few such things that are more likely the culprit.
Because of this, like you say my apology does feel out of place. Especially since it comes out of nowhere ten months later. If someone wrote that to me out of the blue I would probably be confused as to what they were even talking about. In that sense her response isn't weird at all, my apology is.
Your apology also seems too high investment, as if you were justifying yourself for not being “invested” in this girl, or as if you were using this chance to let some suppressed emotions come out.
(Bold is mine). Upon reflection this is exactly what happened. I don't think it was wrong for me to apologize, I'm actually happy I did for two reasons: First of all it was good for my self image to act in a way that aligns with the kind of person I want to be, which is someone who admits when he is wrong. Secondly I got to learn a lot from your reply : )
In general, I suppose in situations like this it’s better to show your new mode of being by being kind and warm, rather than frame-expanding on the past mistakes one made by not being “sociable”.
This is gold! Rather than making weird apologies that nobody wants or expects it's better to just start treating people better. I'll default to this from now on in similar situations.
Cheers
Props on the emotional courage and vulnerability, Mats.
There's a lot of good in there, starting from the mindset and the drive to "make things right".
Few notes focusing on what I may have done differently:
- "sorry for being a dick" can be a bit disempowering (covert power move), so I'd have rephrased that as "I was a bit off" (ie.: keep the issue with you, instead of adding that she was hurt by you)
- I'd be lighter on details via text, then potentially add more details in person (Ie: "I was a bit off, going through a phase")
- I'd be a bit briefer
- I wouldn't say "hope I get a chance" (I know, I know, you didn't wanna care about power dynamics and that's good. And still.. It's hard to do completely away of power dynamics)
- I wouldn't say "make up", and as Bel say focus more on the improved behavior going forward.
- I wouldn't say "next time we meet" as that can make it seem chase-y and/or force the hand for a meet (same as above: hard to make without power dynamics, even when we want to make up for something)
By the way, another valid option may have been to send a little small gift accompanied by a shorter note (ie.: "I was a bit off, and you were still so cool. So much thank you for that, you're awesome").
Thank you Lucio, this is super helpful for me!
Sending a gift with a short note seems so much better, I'll aim for that in my future apologies.
