Former Community – We Moved
🆕 Coached community here, for posts & feedback public community here.
Responding to one-upping
I have seen this power move done by people who basically put you down whenever you tell something good about yourself.
now its best to keep them away from your life but at the same time these people exist and they won’t respond well to assertiveness because they are out to one up intentionally.
Examples :-
You :- Talks about starting a new hobby.
One upper :- Starts talking about his achievements in that hobby.
You :- Talks about an achievement you recently did.
one upper :- Starts talking about how he did that years ago and can teach you.
My responses in these situation is to make a weirded out face and ignore the person.
How would you respond?
Hey, Growfast.
I'd just ignore it as you did. But then I'd go on to describe the experience. Since he hijacked the conversation, I feel it's important to put it back on the track, otherwise you and the other participants won't have anything to work with.
Me : I've just got into riding unicorns. Man, it's really fun!
One upper :- oh nice. I won 5 World Unicorn Drivers Championships. In the last one I managed to recover the lead after a big crash with 8 riders, even though I had lost my helmet and rein, and had to guide the beast by grabbing its horn
Me: Yeah, that's impressive, man. Man, unicorn riding is really fun. Yesterday we learned this and that, and... (Proceeding to narrate the fun experience you had)
In the second example:
Me: man, great news!! In the last class I finally managed to parallel park the unicorn
one upper : oh nice. I won 5 World Unicorn Drivers Championships. In the last one I... If you want, I can teach you
Me: yeah, sure. Man, that was really hard to do, because, you know, with horses you just have to do this, but unicorns do this and this and that makes it impossible. So I...
One could also slightly one-up back by thread-expanding on their bragging and then, as Kavalier suggests, return to one’s story by using a different phrasing (to not sound so invested):
Me: man, great news!! In the last class I finally managed to parallel park the unicorn
one upper : oh nice. I won 5 World Unicorn Drivers Championships. In the last one I... If you want, I can teach you
Me: Nice man! I see you’re starting to go places in your life! Anyways, yesterday I…
If then they point out that the comment is derogatory (but they likely won’t), one can respond:
Me: Wait, so you telling me you’re much better than me was intended to be derogatory?
I think Kav nailed it. Only thing I'd add is when they come out with their one up - glance at them with a slightly amused look. People will notice.
Then smooth over as Kav said.
Then if they go again still smooth over but give them a 'really mate?' look like wow - you are really socially clueless
Hello Growfast,
there might be an additional alternative. I think this person needs/wants validation and has some insecurities, either in comparison to you or in relation with the topic.
So there is the option of validating the person (If I'm not mistaken, it was proposed by Lucio some time ago). That is giving them what they want. This also helps to go back to a collaborative frame rather than a competitive one (he's the person who made it a competition). So there is also the option to have empathy for the person and therefore the potential to build a stronger relationship and make them feel good.
You :- Talks about starting a new hobby.
One upper :- Starts talking about his achievements in that hobby.
You: Nice, man and how did you do that?
Him: blablabla
You: yeah, that's cool, and how did you meet this person?
Him: blablabla
That is, going along with his thread of conversation for a while. Then there is always the option to go back to yours after listening to him.
You :- Talks about starting a new hobby.
One upper :- Starts talking about his achievements in that hobby.
You: Nice, man and how did you do that?
Him: blablabla
You: yeah, that's cool, and how did you meet this person?
Him: blablabla
You: Well, as I told you I just started so I'm thinking about doing this and this (or "I love this and this about the hobby" or anything else)
This also gives you the possibility to learn from this person.
That being said, I agree that his attitude is annoying. There are some people that are not good at listening. In my experience, it is often because they are too self-centered. That means that they don't have the qualities to be a (good) friend. So these people will stay (distant) acquaintances. If this is the case, I think it's more satisfying to talk about one's life with people who are more interested in what is going on in one's life. I mean that such people can be too self-centered and/or be insecure and need/want validation.
Edit: corrections
Tons of great answers already.
The way you write, it seems like blatant bragging.
If that is the case, then a weird face and ignoring is a good start.
And it's even better with Kavalier's because YOU manage the flow and maintain leadership.
One-upping back as Bel says is also fair depending on the situation.
And validating that person and making him feel good as John says may also be the way to go if he's a bit lower value and trying to portray himself at your -or the other people- level.
Also, generally speaking, obvious bragging is self-harming.
Especially the crowd is:
- High-power and smart folks see right through the bragging and he's losing status
- Women he's trying to impress,most women see through the bragging, even the "not-so-smart" ones
Case 1: Possible Approach
Not sure what you mean by "weird face".
But a good approach to surface and thread-expand the "non-coolness" of the bragging is to make an exaggerated "I'm so impressed, look at this guy" face and smile a bit while you look around at the other people (not to him)
That recruits others in your team where you all agree that "he's bragging way too much (and is not good enough for us)".
Case 2: Address the Teacher's Frame
For that second one I'd personally intervene verbally more times than not.
Teaching you is an annoying power move that sets the frame teacher/pupil, no matter what type of idiot pulls that power move, I wouldn't be cool with it publicly.
Something like:
one upper:- Oh yeah, I did that 2 years ago, I can teach you how
You: oh yeah cool you've tried as well, I wasn't exactly looking for a teacher, but it's soooo much fun, we went there and...
Let us know what you think and if it's helpful.
