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Scorched Earth Technique Against Babying
I was posting a parcel to return a purchase today at the post office.
For some reason, the woman was unhappy with the way I packaged the parcel.
She went ahead and re-packaged my parcel in the way she wanted.
No issues on my side because she did all the work, and technically it was better since she used a high-quality cardboard box.
But she said in a very patronising tone:
(Translated to English so not exact)
Woman: Boy boy, this is not how you package a parcel for return.
Me: I've been working for more than a decade. (Probably too defensive but worked well here in getting her to become too dominant; scorched earth technique?)
Woman: Even if you worked for 20 years, I can still call you "boy boy".
Me: Yeah, my package is in your hands so I do have to go with what you say. (Shaming her for going too far; on your honour technique to treat me with respect)
Woman: That's not what I meant.
Surprisingly, there were no other people at the post office other than a couple of workers there.
She was still dominant in wanting to tell me how to package the parcel correctly.
Albeit she was more respectful in how she put the message across.
I should have tasked her back at the initial comment:
Woman: Boy boy, this is not how you package a parcel for return.
Me: Tell me how you prefer packaging a parcel. (Tasking + framing her way as her preference rather than the standard)
I have returned parcels in similar less-than-ideal conditions, and they have not been rejected.
Hi Matthew,
I'm not so sure that this is the scorched earth technique.
I think that the scorched earth technique would look more like this:
- Draw/pull them out into the open
- "Attack" with shaming/assertiveness once they're exposed/overextended
And, this is how I think it would appear in an example:
Woman: "Boy boy, this is not how you package a parcel for return."
You: "What do you mean by that?" (invites her to extend herself further out into the open)
Woman: "Goodness sweetie, when you do it like this..." (overextends herself)
You: "You know, it's not very nice to treat other adults like they're children." ("attack": shames her approach)
Woman: That's not what I meant. (holds her ground)
You: "Well, what else would you call it when you call another adult "boy" and "sweetie"? (maintains your frame to enforce your boundaries)
*Note: Click the blockquote above to open it.
Or, if you think it's appropriate:
Woman: "Boy boy, this is not how you package a parcel for return."
You: "What do you mean by that?" (invites her to extend herself further out into the open)
Woman: "Goodness sweetie, when you do it like this..." (overextends herself)
You: "I'd appreciate it if you called me Matthew." ("attack": ESE assertiveness technique)
Woman: What do you mean? (frame surfacing technique)
You: "I'd appreciate it if you called me Matthew." (broken record technique to enforce your boundaries)
*Note: Click the blockquote above to open it.
All of that said though, I think you're right that your approach would have been better than the scorched earth techniques above:
Woman: "Boy boy, this is not how you package a parcel for return."
Me: "OK, tell me how you like to do it." (orders her to follow your lead and reframes her frame as only an opinion)
Thanks Ali. It does seem like a different dynamic.
Before this thread, I went to check the lesson in Power University on the Scorched Earth Technique.
Lucio seemed to have reduced the lesson and have taken out the "I'm shocked" example.
Maybe for privacy reasons.
Previously, it was as Ali suggested.
You draw the attacker out.
The attacker continues attacking but realises the attack leads to nowhere.
So it feels naturally feels awkward for the attacker or you can counter-attack.
I was thinking of another possibility although not the best in this situation.
When meeting a dominant individual, one could
- Rebuke or defend against his frame knowing that he will impose or attack further.
Quite different from drawing him out as Ali suggested.
It's more provocative I suppose. - Shame when the attacker gets more aggressive.
I didn't use a strong shaming attack in my case.
I suppose I indirectly shamed her by acknowledging her situational power and suggesting she's abusing it.
