Self-defense against ANY unexpected power moves: the "meta-comment" technique
Quote from Anon on February 6, 2022, 11:59 pmSimple, broad and instantly available is just the perfect combination - what a great thread.
Thank you Anon and yes, exactly, you came up with the perfect goals and traits of the technique.
Quote from Anon on February 6, 2022, 11:59 pmCalling them out without the one-up back:
You: Did you just [whatever they did] ?
You: Did you just call me stupid?
You: Did you just try to ignore me on purpose?
Nice!
"Did you just" implies something was "weird" or off, and all you gotta after that is to describe what they've done, or repeat what they said/asked.
It's also a stock phrase, so it might be even easier to internalize.
I've heard this one used a few times, also on me, and it's very effective.
Quote from Anon on February 6, 2022, 11:59 pmVariation:
You: Did he just call me stupid?
Creates an ingroup without the power-mover.
Very good one.
Perfect for group situations and for when the power move was off.
You can also use it with anything else we came up with so far, but rather than telling them to the power move, you said it to someone else and/or the group:
- That was a weird thing to say (looking at someone else)
- That's certainly one way to... (looking at someone else)
- Did she just say that? (looking at someone else)
- Why did he say that (looking at someone else)
My way of doing it is:
It's not cool to .... (said with en emphasize and a higher pitch on the "cool", frowned eyebrows, slight disapproving headhsake, the rest is said is a neutral tone).
It's not very respectful to... (the "very" is a way of minimising the impact of "respectful" so the person accepts the statement more easily)
Examples
- It's not cool to talk like that to a friend
- It's not very respectful to talk like that to a colleague
The idea is not to look or feel butthurt but to signal that they were out-of-line. To lever their inner judge so they feel shame. Not to shame them in front of the group but deep inside them so they get to taste their own medicine.
What is important is not to move on right away but let it think for a second or two. Then we can move on.
Example:
- It's not cool to talk like that to a friend...1...2.....Anyway what did you do this weekend?
What I learned from you Lucio is to make it a default statement, which I think is great in unexpected situations.
Quote from John Freeman on February 7, 2022, 7:48 pmMy way of doing it is:
It's not cool to .... (said with en emphasize and a higher pitch on the "cool", frowned eyebrows, slight disapproving headhsake, the rest is said is a neutral tone).
It's not very respectful to... (the "very" is a way of minimising the impact of "respectful" so the person accepts the statement more easily)
Nice!
To take some of the edge off one can also turn into the past form:
- It wasn't very respectful to say...
- It wasn't very friendly to say...