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Signs of low quality women article

I agree, and, as I have been thinking, everything to which we strongly react has a projection element. We see ourselves within a certain perspective and react with our amygdala, if I may say so.

Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on May 12, 2021, 5:12 pm

 

Do you feel personally slighted if one talks in a way that might be perceived negatively about a sub-group of women (or men)?

Responding to your question, it is not that I think I have an antifragile ego or great self-esteem, but I almost never get caught by emotions when others say something about any group or sub-group of people, like immigrants, women, Brazilian, or whatever. If something that has been said is unflattering, I immediately see myself as an exception to this group, and if it is flattering - unfortunately - I may get caught (which is not good, I am still working on it). This is more like a self-defense mechanism though.

In the past, I worked at an international (Italian!) company back in South America, and we had mostly male customers. I was the manager's assistant, not power moves at all, my job was to be pleasant and agreeable to the customers (I loved it!). But, back then I had to listen to many unpleasant things and if I were to be a radical feminist or a social warrior I would have not stayed there at all. So I learned how to deflect, how not to take things personally, and to "use" a certain degree of ignorance, like pretending I did not understand what the customer meant when he said something about me. The best thing about it is that I learned how to stay grounded. If people are talking badly about some group I may be a part of, it comes to me as they are talking about an external group, I do not know exactly how to explain it. Gisele Bundchen (a true queen for me) has already said that she could thrive in the model business because she had a sort of "alter persona", which she called "she" (ela, in Portuguese). And every time she was being criticized she would reframe it as a personal attack to "ela".  If I may, I would like to share here a 1-minute clip from her: a true high-quality woman, not only because of her appearance but mostly because of her values and posture... And this part of "If I am gonna clean my apartment, you are going to be able to eat on the floor" is the most inspiring and genuine principle for me.

 

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Lucio Buffalmanoselffriend

Awesome post, Serena!

Quote from Serena Irina on May 14, 2021, 2:44 pm

Responding to your question, it is not that I think I have an antifragile ego or great self-esteem, but I almost never get caught by emotions when others say something about any group or sub-group of people, like immigrants, women, Brazilian, or whatever. If something that has been said is unflattering, I immediately see myself as an exception to this group, and if it is flattering - unfortunately - I may get caught (which is not good, I am still working on it). This is more like a self-defense mechanism though.

(...)

So I learned how to deflect, how not to take things personally, and to "use" a certain degree of ignorance, like pretending I did not understand what the customer meant when he said something about me. The best thing about it is that I learned how to stay grounded. If people are talking badly about some group I may be a part of, it comes to me as they are talking about an external group, I do not know exactly how to explain it. Gisele Bundchen (a true queen for me) has already said that she could thrive in the model business because she had a sort of "alter persona", which she called "she" (ela, in Portuguese).

Seems like a great attitude to think of yourself as the exception.

And to take the credit and not being the exceptions when things are good, eh, why not. If you can avoid the pitfalls of it, all the more good feelings to you :).

Quote from Serena Irina on May 14, 2021, 2:44 pm

So I learned how to deflect, how not to take things personally, and to "use" a certain degree of ignorance, like pretending I did not understand what the customer meant when he said something about me. The best thing about it is that I learned how to stay grounded. If people are talking badly about some group I may be a part of, it comes to me as they are talking about an external group, I do not know exactly how to explain it. Gisele Bundchen (a true queen for me) has already said that she could thrive in the model business because she had a sort of "alter persona", which she called "she" (ela, in Portuguese).

Sounds like being in a customer-facing job can be a great training for self-development!

And the "ela" reframe is super interesting.
Albeit might not yet be a full-fledged antifragile ego, it achieves similar goals, and it's a great technique.

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Have you read the forum guidelines for effective communication already?

 

Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on May 15, 2021, 5:34 pm

Seems like a great attitude to think of yourself as the exception.

And to take the credit and not being the exceptions when things are good, eh, why not. If you can avoid the pitfalls of it, all the more good feelings to you :).

It has been working for quite some time. One thing I noticed is that since I do not "own" whatever has been said from a group, the person also starts seeing this way. And about the good feelings, yes. You are right, maybe I am just suspicious because I have already experienced a compliment followed by a strategic request, "sh*t-test" or attack. It may not happen if the compliment is genuine, though.

To illustrate it, I can tell about a "compliment" on the beauties of Brazilian beaches followed by a compliment on how the women in Brazil are hot. On the first compliment, I had wrongly opened myself and on the second "compliment" I felt it was a "sh*t-test", to see how I would react. But since I was open, I just shut myself suddenly and felt awkward. Then I blame myself for having fallen for it. So in this case, If I do not open myself for the general flattering comment I would not feel susceptible to the second one.

The key here, as I see now after this interaction, is to differentiate the genuine compliment for a group of which I am part of, from the comment that is indeed more of a power move than express a real feeling towards the group. Thank you for this one!

Sounds like being in a customer-facing job can be a great training for self-development!

Yes, it is! Absolutely! 🙂

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