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Small turkey frame battle with mother
Hello guys.
Lately I've been revisiting the frames section of PU, and I've seen one of the things I often do wrong/could do better that is: engaging in frame battles that lead nowhere and that in the end suppose a loss for both parts. Today while we were having lunch the following happened:
Parents talking about our cousins, and about how similar they are to my sister and I.
PD: I used to be quite a nervous kid.
Mother: no, you weren't nervous you were actually quite obedient you even didn't want to go to the park most times.
PD: yeah but nonetheless I was really nervous, if I didn't had a screen or a videogame console in hands I would've not being that calm. In school I was the whole time talking and in PE classes I used to be grounded often since I speaked a lot.
Mother: yeah but you weren't nervous, nervous is for example x cousin of yours, blablabla......
The conversation kept going like that: a back and forth on whether or not I was nervous or not, actually many of my conversations with my mother are like that, frame battles that lead nowhere.
I think that the following wouldve been a good way to go:
PD: ookay, lets conclude that we have different definitions for nervous. Mine is better though. (softly pinch her in the arm, or in the neck with a smile)
Although that wouldn't be something I would do with a friend or a person I know, so a less "personal/affectionate" one could be:
PD: hahaha, ok looks like we don't agree on this, let's leave it as ___ (a frame that takes a bit from both parts). (I thought that not adding the lets leave it as_ could also be valid, but then when I move on to another subject it looks abrupt, so better to say it to increase rapport (since I partially recognise the validity of her frame))
PD: Anyway, moving on. Have you heard of......? (move on from the disagreement)
Any thoughts about this? Any valuable feedback is appreciated.
Cheers.
Yeah, it seems like a good analysis.
It does sound like unnecessary escalation.
Also, it sounds like you mother wanted to say good things about you.
Your solutions are better, albeit they're still too confrontational and defensive in my opinion.
I'd prefer a more "moving forward" type of leadership, without making it a big deal out of it.
Thanks Lucio.
With confrontational I suppose you refer to the fact that I thread expand on the fact that we were disagreeing.
Let's see, I'll try other options:
Mother:Â yeah but you weren't nervous, nervous is for example x cousin of yours, blablabla......
P.D: hmm, yeah he's quite a nervous kid. Speaking of "y" have you heard of?... (I pick one of his frames and acknowledge it, while ignoring the frame that contradicts mine -although I get the feeling that caring much about whether or not I give power away in this frame battle can be a bit petty- then I redirect towards another topic.)
I thread minimize/ignore the disagreement and agree on one of her frames, I would say this response is better than the other ones, we end up agreeing after all.
Although, knowing my mother I want to make this a bit harder of an exercise:
P.D: hmm, yeah he's quite a nervous kid. Speaking of "y" have you heard of?... (I pick one of his frames and acknowledge it, while ignoring the frame that contradicts mine -although I get the feeling that caring about whether or not I give power away in this frame battle can be a bit petty- then I redirect towards another topic.)
Mother: no, but see you weren't nervous (I believe this is what she would most likely reply)
P.D: yeah yeah, x was indeed more nervous than I. So, did you know what y did to.....? (I could admit that I wasn't nervous and move on, although I´d rather lose as little power as possible while being as smooth as I can) ( I still partially agree while misinterpreting what she's saying, so the agreement prevents breaking rapport)
