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Smart people dating challenges
Hello TPM community,
I think this deserves its own thread. As probably some of you might have observed a high IQ can be an obstacle in romantic relationships, friendships or even relationships in general. It’s not bragging it’s a downside of analytical intelligence I think.
I consider myself having a slightly above average emotional intelligence (I work with children and people all day long) but I recognize that I don’t apply this emotional intelligence to my emotional needs enough.
That is also to recognize other people’s emotional needs outside of work in my case. Sometimes we rationally understand why people feel a certain way or want to feel a certain way. And it sometimes can seem petty or not worthy.
Anyway, this is to open this discussion as I think that some people here probably have ideas they’d like to share on this topic.
Here are 2 videos (first one is fire, second one is short) that expanded my awareness recently. On my phone so no extract (too complicated) sorry.
Hey John, I personally don't agree much with this.
I think IQ adds no value only when it's not properly translated into "mating intelligence" and "properly put to use" to fit the goals of dating (and the same can be said for any other endevour).
What I think is that may cause one to think intelligence is a hindrance is that many high-IQ men fail to make that jump from high processing brain power, to using it effectively for dating (or for social skills in general).
And that gave birth to this sort of myth that "stupid succeeds easier, intelligent fails".
Which, slightly off-topic is one of the reasons why I consider "strategic thinking" / Machiavellianism the most useful "thinking mode" to make the most out of brainpower.
Because without it, people fail to apply that brainpower to effectively solving goals and maximizing one's potential.
I'm not an expert on this specific topic though, so that's just my opinion and my very personal 2 cents on it.
Thank you I think you’re right.
I forgot the mating intelligence concept. Thanks for sharing about the usefulness of Machiavellian thinking with using our brainpower.
From what I have read about intelligence, it is an asset and the more you have the best it is. It is the uncontested number one predictor of life success.
I think those guys in the video have no idea what they are talking about. having an IQ of 80 is not an advantage, people at this level are going to struggle like crazy in life. Having a high IQ doesn’t make you automatically an analytical nerd with low social skills. Most people with high IQ don’t have asperger syndrome.
Experts in social skills and seduction have high IQ. Think about Lucio, Robert Green, John, Gottman or Barack Obama. Matter of fact to be an expert in any domain you need to have a high IQ.
Woman could see it as a problem because of hypergamy so that would shrink their dating pool. A strategy would be to join a good university and find a mate there.
I think the woman in the second video confuse intelligence with neuroticism
Quote from Jack on September 6, 2023, 12:39 pmFrom what I have read about intelligence, it is an asset and the more you have the best it is. It is the uncontested number one predictor of life success.
I think those guys in the video have no idea what they are talking about. having an IQ of 80 is not an advantage, people at this level are going to struggle like crazy in life. Having a high IQ doesn’t make you automatically an analytical nerd with low social skills. Most people with high IQ don’t have asperger syndrome.
Experts in social skills and seduction have high IQ. Think about Lucio, Robert Green, John, Gottman or Barack Obama. Matter of fact to be an expert in any domain you need to have a high IQ.
Woman could see it as a problem because of hypergamy so that would shrink their dating pool. A strategy would be to join a good university and find a mate there.
I think the woman in the second video confuse intelligence with neuroticism
Yeah, agree, it's a huge asset.
Also in these days where one can learn social skills and game from others besides his own experience, it's 10x an asset.
I think one other reason for the myth is that when you meet an intelligent but a bit autistic man you think "oh, he's smart (but a dork)".
But when you meet an intelligent but socially skilled man you may (also) think "he's smart", but it's not how you'd define that person.
And you don't define him that way because other qualities are either at the same level, or even more impressive to you.
So people mostly think:
- We connected / bonded / we get along great (the feeling is mostly about them, so they think in terms of how you make them feel)
- He sounded very competent, no wonder he's in demand (on an interview, not knowing that he crafted that image, including dropping hints of other companies that may want him)
- He's a cool guy, would be cool if he comes out with us again (when going out with a group for the first time)
- Really helpful, he knows what he's talking about and gave some great advice, I owe that guy (you focus on adding value, do that generally high power, and people want more of you)
- He's confident / attractive (on a date, even though he may not be physically that attractive, the behavior he adopts makes her feel so)
What they don't think of is about the intelligence may be sitting in the background.
And that it (partly) explains all of that because he may have learned to behave in a way that makes them feel so positively about him.
Edit:
Improved it and added the blue color.
I agree with you Jack, thanks. Yeah the high intelligence person she's describing could be a perfectionist as well or neurotic as you said.
But when you meet an intelligent but socially skilled man you may (also) think "he's smart", but it's not how you'd define that person.
Boom. Thanks for this key concept. It's new to me.
I totally agree, intelligence is interwoven in everything we do. As you said, people might like to have conversations with us but they won't think "he's smart" they will think: "we had a great conversation". In this case intelligence is like butter in a cake. We don't know why this cake is much better (but it's the butter no pun intended). It's an ingredient which adds value to the rest of the recipe.
So I changed my mind and (my personal) challenges in dating have probably nothing to do with intelligence. It's about the way we use it.
Hello,
I agree with Jack and Lucio. Intelligence is an asset.
I've been tested in my school to have an high IQ (~150) and been extremely good in subjects that required analytical and problem solving skills especially in mathematics.
HOWEVER, I had a really low social intelligence, since I passed must of my time dealing with numbers and not people problems.
In my last years of studies, where we're not dealing with math anymore and the projects with groups start to be more of a thing, I've began to realise how late I was, in terms of socializing.(here in my 20s, never had a girlfriend, even never had a simple small-talk with girls).
Trying to reverse this, I've started studying social arts but I never understood it. It was not logical, I thought. How can someone say this but he means this?? Since my learning journey begun, I've Stumbled a lot of time in social interactions, had many seductions fails. But I realised that I had one thing missing and that is the foundation.
In mathematics, there is a term called axiom, it means that the statement is considered absolutely true by definition. Using that axiom and some deductive rules, we can deduce theorems of a theory. But in the real world, there isn't such thing as absolute truth. So I've decided to put on something close to it. "Principles", my own truths.
At that time, luckily I've discovered ThePowerMoves. And it was designed in a such a logical way, that my mind aligned quickly with the content. The principles of Power, the irrefutable rules and the definitions.
Afterward, my social skills developped so much quickly. Started to understand and analyze social interactions. Had some results here and there. But still it wasn't enough.
After I landed my first job, I've decided to invest in courses. So I entered the SU, and god I loved it. The theoritical part and practical part is what I needed, I really had good results.
And now here I am, using the skills that I've developped learning mathematics into different aspects in life and utilize them to learn and develop other skills.
Cheers!
I agree with you, Mehdi.
Sometimes when I talk with smart/gifted people and they complain about the burden of their intelligence I tell them that there is a huge advantage to being smart.
When you start to want to self-improve or solve a problem you actually do it faster and actually can reach this goal. Once your brain is on the problem then the sky is the limit.
If you have a low IQ some ideas/concepts/realizations are out of reach. Your brain does not have the processing power or the ability to make connections between concepts to understand certain things.
When I was reading books about gifted people there was this one concept I like: it’s like you’ve been given a Ferrari but without the instruction manual. So it takes some time to figure out how our mind works and how to use it to its best ability.
Rock on, Mehdi!
One quick note on this:
Quote from Mehdi ELK on September 8, 2023, 12:19 pmAt that time, luckily I've discovered ThePowerMoves. And it was designed in a such a logical way, that my mind aligned quickly with the content. The principles of Power, the irrefutable rules and the definitions.
(...)
And now here I am, using the skills that I've developped learning mathematics into different aspects in life and utilize them to learn and develop other skills.
I think this is a great point.
The more analytical approach of TPM can be particularly helpful to men who are smart and "number / analitically smart" but weren't naturally born with the "feel" for social interactions.
