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Smart tactics for dealing with mean girl behavior
Hi Lucio,
Thanks for always offering useful advice.
I wonder what advice you have for mean girl behavior in social life, online and offline? I have encountered some of it before. I often ignore it and try not to react, but I just want the definitive and conclusive guide to how to deal with it once and for all. The behavior I am talking about revolves around:
1- Someone taking issue with you and talking poorly about you behind your back. No one reports it to you because people know you're serious and don't like futile gossip, but you feel it is happening from people's looks, behavior, etc.
2- Someone trying to take a hit at your reputation and trying to challenge it as not being as clean and pristine as it appears, because you either a) refused poor treatment and/or refused to take it lying down, b) told someone they did something to upset you and they don't like being told they are wrong or b) challenged them on a position before
3-You share common friend groups with this people and they try to play the game of "they are my group and not yours"/mention how they went out without you/constantly love bombing them with posts online where they know you can see it. They know these common friends love you, but some turn and take sides with them over you.
So my questions: How do you neutralize that threat? Does not responding and staying silent to not let them no they got to you a method that always works? Is ignoring them and moving on with your life always right? Because I notice when I react sometimes, it is a confirmation for them that they riled me up. With some people I noticed that when you try to neutralize them by wishing them happy birthday for example or doing something small and nice, it's like you give them an inch and they run a mile and do something more to wind you up more (subtweet, post a photo with other friends, etc.) and it's like a confirmation that their methods work.
My main interest is having different strategies and neutralize negative behavior to live a happy life, and not do anything to provoke or invite undue mean behavior into my social circles. Tell me your best neutralization and social strategies to deal with these tricky situations. I know people in my circle that are experts at neutralizing different types of mean behavior. I wish to add this to my toolshed. Thanks Lucio as always.
Hello Nelsho!
Do you have a practical for one of those situations?
Practical examples help us understand exactly what situation we're talking about, otherwise we end up guessing and answering with general stuff that might not really apply to you.
Hey,
So one former friend (let's call her A) I formerly introduced to a family member to date and it didn't work out, and she took what happened so much to heart and is holding a big grudge and won't let go, even if now when she is in a new relationship. The split happened as amicably as possible. We share a friend group.
Before that, I had introduced former friend (A) to friend (B) in another friend group and brought them together in a big girl group. Friend (B) is super dominant and tried to "friend poach" friend A and actively push me out of the picture (e.g. shunning me in several outings, making me look like a mad person and making me in the wrong every time I try to raise a point or disagree with her), and the group went along basically because I took a step back - I didn't like the behavior at all and it was getting quite competitive and aggressive. I like a peaceful and supportive friend group. Sadly the group didn't remember their original friend who introduced them (me) and are now making a big show on social media about how they are friends. We have a lot of mutual friends all of us so people see me not included in pictures, sometimes they ask why, others I think make assumptions which I hate to think would be negative about me. I did try to approach friend (B) with some politiking and diplomacy to discuss what happened but it seems she wants to me apologize and make amends. I am not doing that as you had advised me in a previous thread because I am giving friend (B) way too much power, and I think that is ultimately what she wants. She wants to prove she is top dog like you said.
I have lost substantive social status after this, and with all the pictures being posted and tagged "better quality friends" or whatever, it is not only upsetting but I fear it is having an impact on my image to other mutual friends. People always spoke positively about my character and I feel I have been the target of a rampage by friends (A) and (B) about how awful I am as a person for each of them to further their social standing at my expense. I reassure myself that is not the case but it is affecting me.
Some people said I should select better friends and I feel some people have grown more wary of the behaviors of A and B, even if they don't immediately notice it (If they do this to longterm friends, what will happen when people befriend them?)
Advice on handling mean tactics online and offline would be super appreciated. And conflict diffusion or de-escalation tactics advice would be very welcome. I am looking at my "social credit" and I worked hard for it. I feel every new picture excluding me makes me look more alienated while they look more united.
Thanks Lucio!
Quote from Nelsho on July 2, 2020, 7:10 amSo my questions: How do you neutralize that threat?
Does not responding and staying silent to not let them no they got to you a method that always works? Is ignoring them and moving on with your life always right? Because I notice when I react sometimes, it is a confirmation for them that they riled me up.
The way you talk, it seems like you might have a couple of sociopaths around you.
When you see people who enjoy and go out of their way to harm someone's status and hurting others, that's a sign of possible sociopathy.
In any case, beyond clinical labels, the way friend B is acting is mean and nasty.
The good news is that smart folks eventually see through people like friend B.
Furthermore, mean people like friend B are often not very good at forming deep relationships. Their power is based on personal power and status mostly, but that can be a tenuous grip when it comes to group of friends.
And that's where I'd advise putting your focus on: forming deeper relationships with people in the group.
AS a rule of thumb:
It's easy to "poach" friends or ruin someone's reputation when the relationships he has are shallow. It's far more difficult when the relationships you have are deep and strong.
Same goes for intimate partners, BTW.
If your friends are not smart enough to see friend B's games, then strong relationsihps are what inoculates you from this fuckery.
Some ways to build stronger relationships:
- Ask and talk about more intimate and personal things (this increases the bond)
- Share your own more intimate and personal stories
- Remember what they said and ask follow up questions when you see them again (this says "I care")
- Empathize when the news is not good
- Celebrate and congratulate them with sincere appreciation when the news are good
- Make shared experiences
- Add value to their life, for example:
- Introduce men to single girlfriends
- Build people up
- Invite them to join you for some outings
If you're that kind of friend, anything friend B would say about you, people would immediately think "why is she saying anything bad about Nelsho, who is such a great gal. That can only mean that B is a bitch".
It might also be a good idea to unfollow anyone on social media who is uploading pictures that are hurting you.
Until you can develop yourself into someone who is more bullet-proof on those games, it's a good idea to shut off those channels.
Thanks for the insightful response as always Lucio. I usually ponder on your answers and internalize the advice so I can take them forward.
It helps calling a spade a spade and being clear that this is no way acceptable. I'm focusing my energy on more fruitful endeavors and deeper relations from now on.
If you have any suggested readings for me based on our discussion, please let me know.
Thanks again!
Yes, there are so many people in this world who are longing for deeper relationships and human connection.
Especially so in bigger cities.
In a way, it's a great opportunity for those who learn to connect at a deeper level.
And it's also a value-adding, win-win pursuit.
When you got that deeper relationship, then you might find yourself sitting at a table, with the alpha-friend holding court and taking the spotlight, and you'd look at one of your friends and smile furtively as if to say "here is the sociopath being the usual self-centered narcissist".
When you get that going on, you are the real connector of the group.
P.S.: the best of both worlds is best, of course. Connecting at a deeper level, plus being an uplifting force who can have a good time when being out.
When you can combine the two, then you automatically go to the top of any group you join and, often become the leader of the group.
Hello Nelsho,
If you are still following this one, this post could provide you some ideas on group power dynamics and strategies:
- Power dynamics in group: how to deal with a social climbing asshole
It's a group of men, so things are different and, in many ways, easier -less covert power moves-. But it can give you some ideas on strategic thinking.
