Social blunder: side with the sinking ships, go down with them

#1 · August 10, 2021, 8:31 pm

I'll start a series of posts now.

They will all start with "social blunder".

They address more basic social dynamics with the goal of increasing social intelligence, the precursor of effective power intelligence.

We start with a popular movie on this website:

Sonny: (furious at Mike)
Fredo: congratulations Mike
Sonny: (takes Fredo's hand and pushes it away, Fredo confirms he's an idiot for everyone to see)

When you compliment someone for doing something that everyone else thinks is stupid, you are siding and tying your fortune to the person who has the least status in the group.
And it's also a major one-up to the person(s) who's criticizing them, who start seeing you as an enemy.

Now, if you have LOTS of status or power in the group, you can effectively rescue them because you pull them up and nobody will have the courage to keep attacking them with you on their side (a very eagle move if they were bullying or piling on someone).

But if you're average or low-ish status, you better sit this one out.
Two social pariahs aren't any better than one.

Edit: typos

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#2 · August 11, 2021, 5:12 am

Sonny: (furious at Mike)
Fredo: congratulations Mike
Sonny: (takes Fredo's hand and pushes it away, Fredo confirms he's an idiot for everyone to see)

I think Fredo should have gripped his hand tight and not let Sonny push it away.
Then, throw in

Fredo: Triple handshake Mike

But I think social tactics would not solve the larger social mistake of siding with someone of lower status.
The people at the table would be unhappy because Fredo sided with Mike.

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#3 · August 11, 2021, 10:36 am

I feel like if we let one person in the group one up or throw someone else under the bus without doing anything then this might happen.

The person who got thrown under the bus /one upped/lower status will feel resentful for the person who beat him down and will lose his trust and become distant with other members of the group when he sees no one softened the blow.

Also when group members allow someone to get away with one upping it communicates that the one-upper can continue his actions without repercussions and thinking about it and when group members accept he/she will seem more dominant.

So it might be better to reassure the person thrown under the bus that 'these things sometimes happen to all of us and it's only better to grow and learn without giving attention to those who only beat people down instead of actually giving good feedback.'

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#4 · August 11, 2021, 8:26 pm

Quote from Matthew Whitewood on August 11, 2021, 5:12 am

Sonny: (furious at Mike)
Fredo: congratulations Mike
Sonny: (takes Fredo's hand and pushes it away, Fredo confirms he's an idiot for everyone to see)

I think Fredo should have gripped his hand tight and not let Sonny push it away.
Then, throw in

Fredo: Triple handshake Mike

But I think social tactics would not solve the larger social mistake of siding with someone of lower status.
The people at the table would be unhappy because Fredo sided with Mike.

It would have been a very dominant move.

But in that specific situation, I don't think it would have worked:

Sonny is very high dominance, he'd have escalated that until the bitter end (and had more resources to win that escalation)
Fredo is very low-status, high-power people get even angrier and more resolute when lower-status people try to pull a fast one on them (very low-status one-upping high status is a huge loss for them)
Even if Fredo managed to find the courage to escalate, he would have been blamed by everyone for ruining the atmosphere, and not Sonny (it's the curse of the low status, everyone would subconsciously go "you're low-status, behave low-status and don't try to act up, or trip our leaders)

But a bit more resistance, or even a hit-back / passive aggressive comment would have at least somewhat re-empowered:

Fredo: geez Sonny, chill, he's still our brother

That would have been a good move, actually.
Plus, of course, not shaking his hand as if to say "ouch, that hurt".

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#5 · August 12, 2021, 2:41 pm

Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on August 11, 2021, 8:26 pm

But a bit more resistance, or even a hit-back / passive aggressive comment would have at least somewhat re-empowered:

Fredo: geez Sonny, chill, he's still our brother

That would have been a good move, actually.
Plus, of course, not shaking his hand as if to say "ouch, that hurt".

Thanks, I get it better.

It's Comey's strategy against Donald Trump.
Not going dominant or assertive but hitting back and maintaining distance.

But Comey's status relative to Donald Trump is probably better compared to Fredo to Sonny.
And Comey is much savvier.

That being said, Donald Trump still took offence at Comey's distance and coldness.

If we think about this social blunder in the White House, it would be siding with Comey openly in the presence of Donald Trump.
Even though you may think it's the right thing to do, it would not be wise and effective politically.