Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on May 7, 2020, 5:42 am

In this case, I would say no to the light shame.

Proper shaming is delivered from a position of power. And ideally, it's delivered to induce a positive change in someone who's doing something that goes against (your) morals and values.

Now, depending on what happened on that first meeting, this person is doing something not very cool with his lying.
However, you don't have the power and influence to force a proper turnaround in this situation.
That attempt at shaming would end up being more like a passive-aggressive complaint, and push him farther away. Possibly even anger him, and he might even share that with friend 1.

If I replied to him, I'd say something like "oh cool man, I wish you a good one, cheers".
That way you show you're not hurt, and you're not clinging. If you meet him again, it will be more natural, and you leave the door open for potentially getting close again in the future.

And to friend 1, I would say something like "hey mate, I found there's a Meetup on XYZ, I'll pass the wine and go to XYZ this time. Keep in touch and I wish you guys a good time there!".

On the general socialization, it's certainly possible that some Swiss people might be more closed to you because of the mixed race.
And locations do also impact the ease with which you can make friends. I lived in Vienna for example, and you'd be surprised at how often you can confirm the stereotype of Austrians to behave haughty and cold (especially towards Germans and German students, possibly part of a sort of "small brother syndrome").
But I wouldn't be focusing on that.
No matter how true and how large the percentage of population that is indeed close-minded and unfriendly, there must be at least some who are open-minded and welcoming. So it's all a question of finding them. And, potentially, to turning around the close-minded ones. I'm sure that at least with some of them, once you get close, it's possible to turn them around.

Do you live in a big-ish city?
If so, there must be several different meetups you can try out.

Quote from John Freeman on May 7, 2020, 9:44 am

Hello Lucio,

thank you very much for your great advice. I think it's solid and I will follow it. You're on the money. It's encouraging because through you I can see that if I keep working hard at learning these skills I can improve.

It's one of the largest cities of Switzerland, but it's 8 million people. Yes, there are meet-ups. I met people who like board games 6 months ago and that was already an improvement. Now, my next goal is to meet expats since I get along with travellers, etc. So I have to become more strategic with my social life. Since I have quite a demanding job, if I don't make any effort I won't expand my social circle where I live. Yes, there are open-minded people, but they are rare. In my opinion it's because Swiss society is a very conformist society, you have to behave like other people. So people end up thinking like other people. If you think or behave differently, it is perceived as negative or "not being able to follow the rules". So it can be perceived a sign of low intelligence or a negative attitude towards the group.

Concerning Vienna, I believe you. I have friends who came to Vienna from Amsterdam and all they want is to go back to Amsterdam. Austrian and Swiss people seem to have a lot in common. My goal is to go and live in Amsterdam where you can be who you are and people accept you more.

I might have behaved a bit like a party pooper unconsciously and I'm working on that. However, Swiss people are quite judging in general. So if you do something that is a little bit off the norms, they really don't like it. Something else, is that I might have been a bit needy. My plan is to read "Attached". I moved a lot from the anxious attachment style, but I still am a bit anxious: to be alone or rejected. This has happened in the past, in the same circumstances, because of my differences in thinking and behaviour. So I have a lot of work to do: learning better social skills, work on my self-esteem/attachment style, strategize my social life, better my communication skills.

I had a look at your lists of book reviews, thanks for that!

Cheers

Quote from John Freeman on May 7, 2020, 11:08 am

One more question: would you bring it up in the future? How would you change your attitude to this person?

Because they make great parties where tons of people are coming in a nice apartment so they do bring a lot of value because they have this large apartment. And by keeping me out of it, he does not allow me to spend a good time and meet new people. I value this person per se and his personal qualities: humor, insight, etc. and the other thing is that I also value the opportunity to have a good time and meet new people.

Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on May 7, 2020, 4:26 pm

Bring up what exactly?

Being invited again, or the fact that he lied?

If you mean the latter, I cannot think of many ways in which you could say "you lied to me" in the future and do any good to you, to him, or to the relationship.

The exception is if you grow really close, and then it becomes a running joke.
Many couples have running jokes of her spurning him, or him ignoring... But only after they get together. Close friends also can joke about how they hated each other when they first met, or how someone was awkward in the beginning.
But acquaintances can't safely go there.

To change attitude, I can think of 3 ways:

1. Ask him directly if you offended him in any way, adding that you truly didn't mean to
2. Show up to his place, either when he has a party, or with an excuse on another day. It will be a shock on his side, but you will go with a big and expensive gift to immediately change his mind. That will be your indirect way of saying "maybe I fucked up and you didn't like me, but here's me making up for it: let's give it another shot"
3. Drop it. Then, when you will eventually meet him again, you will pretend all is good on your side, give him attention, compliment him for something he's proud of, make it a point to be extra warm to make up those points you lost the first time around

The first one is risky.
Some people will appreciate your honesty and tell you exactly how you offended them, and that will often give you the change to do amends and restart afresh. But some others will deny even when it's true, and only grow to resent you more.
I don't know this person, so unluckily I can't advise which type of person he is more likely to be.

But stay watchful of what friend 1 says.
It's possible that friend 2 will let friend 1 know what was the issue, and that friend 1 will share it with you -or part of it-. With that information, it's safer to approach or text friend 1 and apologize.

Option 2 is really ballsy :).
But he's definitely not going to turn you away.
And even if he's still cold and unfriendly as soon as you meet, you got the chance of then deploying either strategy #1 or #3.

I personally like option 3.
But that's also because I trust myself socially and because I don't like having to go to people and ask for forgiveness when I haven't done anything obviously wrong.
It might take more time, but you also don't lose power, which you'd lose somewhat with #1 and #2.

Quote from Guest on May 7, 2020, 7:22 pm

Great advice. Thanks. I agree with you, I will go with 3 as I don’t think I did something obviously mean, disrespectful or stupid.

I don’t think he has the level of humility to be able to step his ego aside for this kind of issue.

The town where I live is small in mentality and quite status-conscious. So everybody knows and judges what everybody does. And many Swiss people have fragile egos. So if you say one word do one thing that they interpret in a negative way then they can be pissed at you for a long time. So it’s quite frequent that a coworker or somebody else becomes cold with you and you never know why. People are very two-faced here, it took me a long time to realize how bad it is. That’s why I like better Dutch people. Here it is an avoidance culture and I prefer the Dutch culture of saying what you think.

Anyway thank you very much for your guidance.

Quote from JP on May 31, 2020, 5:56 am

I've had this happen to me before, and one of my friends explained it to me like this. Sometimes when he doesn't invite other people, it's because he doesn't think you'll fit in with the group dynamic. In general, most people have very multi-faceted personalities and will only reveal certain facets to certain people. Personally, I would not tell some of my friends my politically incorrect jokes because it would not jive well with them therefore, I would not invite those people to a gathering where I could be more of "myself".

In my opinion, you should probably write them off as something else. However, if this keeps happening, it might be best to politely mention it to give him a chance to explain his situation.

Quote from John Freeman on June 27, 2020, 4:16 pm

Great point, JP. Thank you very much! I agree 100%