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Social status attacks in a friends group

#1 · January 9, 2022, 10:16 am

Quote from John Freeman on January 9, 2022, 10:16 am
Hello guys,
In my group of friends, I happen to get a few attacks from lower-status members as a form of social climbing. Much less than in the past, due to my progress in frame control, assertively and social skills in general. I'll write a couple of examples. These are all in front of the group. By "status", I mean "social value".
Example 1
Context: talking about my friend F. who has cats and a new system to prevent disagreeable odours in the trashcan from you know what.
B. (addressing me, laughing): you're shitting in the trashcan? (referring to me saying that it does not smell that bad in my trashcan, because I misunderstood we were specifically talking about cat's drops.
Me (going along with the joke): I stopped that long ago! (grinning)
My mistake: I decided to go along with the joke. I accepted his frame. However, I realised just after that it was disempowering.
Better answer: hey man, what are you talking about! (grinning) Do you? (still grinning) (Rejecting the frame + mirroring, underlying frame: I get it's a joke and I'm joking with you)
Example 2
General context: We also play board games. I'm the one who introduced them to many (many) games. However I win rarely! I used to focus on the meta-game (interactions between player) rather than the game itself. Also I was brought up in the idea that competition is bad. I'm working these days to acquire the winner/champion mindset AKA the will to win. I am learning to focus on the game, be more calculating and cunning AKA Machiavellian. I'm also challenging my subconscious fear that winning could make me exclude from the group AKA preferring to belong than to stand out. I'm not that good at board games, I just love them!
Specific context: after I lost a game (6th out of 6 players). My friend R. who's been playing quite a few social climbing moves on me in the past is addressing me in front of the group. Remember: I'm supposed to be the "board game guy".
R (winner of most games we play including this one): It's funny in games you start to win at some point and then you lose (true statement, see my mindset problem above). You're playing more than us (frame: we beat you and you have more experience -> are you dumb or what? My interpretation)
Me: I play only when I'm with you guys (Rejecting the frame that I'm more experienced, which is true I play as much as they do. I think he's even playing more than me having more free time).
Analysis: I want to take this example because it's quite significative. Status is always in flux of negotiation in a group. To an outsider it might look dumb that we compare ourselves in board games. However, that is where we get to measure ourselves. So in our group being good at board games (apparently) matters. Previously my mindset was to "play for fun". As stated above, I'm moving it to "play to win" while still focussing on the process and having fun of course.
Example 3
Context: Currently my love life is non-existent and has been for quite some time. Reason: bad choices of previous mates, being busy with work. Attitude: I'm active on Tinder and will go out more. However, my priority is still my upcoming exam. N. (friend in the group, upcoming post) is asking me in 1-to-1 and sometimes in front of the group if I had some dates or something around this. This is fair. However, he does it in a comparing way because he has a lot of free time (works 50%) and has had quite some success lately after his breakup. So that's his way of saying: "I'm better than you".
Analysis: Like in the board game, there is an element of truth. Like in the board games example, I'm compared with people with active or satisfying love lives (most people in the group). So I'm a bit "odd" in this way. My intention is to own it (because it's alright to be single). However I think there is an emotional element as I'm suffering from this. Only solution: improving my love life as I did with my social life.
What ties all these examples together is that status is negotiated during these group challenges. It's a bit of a power showdown. Because each time the group is attentively listening to see who will be winning. And will take mental note of who's the more dominant.
If we take again these 3 examples, here is what the group will probably think:
Example 1: will John let B. disrespect him/disempower him? Does he have the balls or skills to defend himself? Will he do it smoothly and in a friendly way? Or will he submit to B.?
Example 2: Why does John lose so much at board games? Is he dumber than R.? R. is winning all the time. Could he be smarter than John?
Example 3: Why does John is still single (while being a doctor and good-looking)? What's his problem? Does he have a secret?
So all these are questioning my social value: what is my actual worth? Am I a doormat? Am I stupid? Am I bad with women?
I hope this collection makes sense to you guys as I'm aware it's a bit of a pot-pourri.
General analysis: I think in these cases it's important to answer the unspoken questions people observing the scene have in their minds, questions raised by the attacker of course.
What do you guys think?

Hello guys,

In my group of friends, I happen to get a few attacks from lower-status members as a form of social climbing. Much less than in the past, due to my progress in frame control, assertively and social skills in general. I'll write a couple of examples. These are all in front of the group. By "status", I mean "social value".

Example 1

Context: talking about my friend F. who has cats and a new system to prevent disagreeable odours in the trashcan from you know what.
B. (addressing me, laughing): you're shitting in the trashcan? (referring to me saying that it does not smell that bad in my trashcan, because I misunderstood we were specifically talking about cat's drops.
Me (going along with the joke): I stopped that long ago! (grinning)

My mistake: I decided to go along with the joke. I accepted his frame. However, I realised just after that it was disempowering.

Better answer: hey man, what are you talking about! (grinning) Do you? (still grinning) (Rejecting the frame + mirroring, underlying frame: I get it's a joke and I'm joking with you)

Example 2

General context: We also play board games. I'm the one who introduced them to many (many) games. However I win rarely! I used to focus on the meta-game (interactions between player) rather than the game itself. Also I was brought up in the idea that competition is bad. I'm working these days to acquire the winner/champion mindset AKA the will to win. I am learning to focus on the game, be more calculating and cunning AKA Machiavellian. I'm also challenging my subconscious fear that winning could make me exclude from the group AKA preferring to belong than to stand out. I'm not that good at board games, I just love them!
Specific context: after I lost a game (6th out of 6 players). My friend R. who's been playing quite a few social climbing moves on me in the past is addressing me in front of the group. Remember: I'm supposed to be the "board game guy".
R (winner of most games we play including this one): It's funny in games you start to win at some point and then you lose (true statement, see my mindset problem above). You're playing more than us (frame: we beat you and you have more experience -> are you dumb or what? My interpretation)
Me: I play only when I'm with you guys (Rejecting the frame that I'm more experienced, which is true I play as much as they do. I think he's even playing more than me having more free time).
Analysis: I want to take this example because it's quite significative. Status is always in flux of negotiation in a group. To an outsider it might look dumb that we compare ourselves in board games. However, that is where we get to measure ourselves. So in our group being good at board games (apparently) matters. Previously my mindset was to "play for fun". As stated above, I'm moving it to "play to win" while still focussing on the process and having fun of course.

Example 3

Context: Currently my love life is non-existent and has been for quite some time. Reason: bad choices of previous mates, being busy with work. Attitude: I'm active on Tinder and will go out more. However, my priority is still my upcoming exam. N. (friend in the group, upcoming post) is asking me in 1-to-1 and sometimes in front of the group if I had some dates or something around this. This is fair. However, he does it in a comparing way because he has a lot of free time (works 50%) and has had quite some success lately after his breakup. So that's his way of saying: "I'm better than you".
Analysis: Like in the board game, there is an element of truth. Like in the board games example, I'm compared with people with active or satisfying love lives (most people in the group). So I'm a bit "odd" in this way. My intention is to own it (because it's alright to be single). However I think there is an emotional element as I'm suffering from this. Only solution: improving my love life as I did with my social life.

What ties all these examples together is that status is negotiated during these group challenges. It's a bit of a power showdown. Because each time the group is attentively listening to see who will be winning. And will take mental note of who's the more dominant.

If we take again these 3 examples, here is what the group will probably think:

Example 1: will John let B. disrespect him/disempower him? Does he have the balls or skills to defend himself? Will he do it smoothly and in a friendly way? Or will he submit to B.?

Example 2: Why does John lose so much at board games? Is he dumber than R.? R. is winning all the time. Could he be smarter than John?

Example 3: Why does John is still single (while being a doctor and good-looking)? What's his problem? Does he have a secret?

So all these are questioning my social value: what is my actual worth? Am I a doormat? Am I stupid? Am I bad with women?

I hope this collection makes sense to you guys as I'm aware it's a bit of a pot-pourri.

General analysis: I think in these cases it's important to answer the unspoken questions people observing the scene have in their minds, questions raised by the attacker of course.

What do you guys think?