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Some more thoughts on the taker's defense power move and imposing the lifestyle of the more limited partner on the other
This is somewhat related to this thread.
In a relationship, there's giving and taking; a set of problems belong to the situation where one side cannot really give, only take, because of life circumstances.
It could be something as simple as 'time.' In a relationship, it might be that one side has more time, the other has less. Having no free time can be a sign of low value and turn you into a taker, simply because you can't match the other side's offer for activities.
The 'lower value' side takes the judge role. They decide which activities you do, the limiting factor being their time. You offer, they 'pick'. And you may have to reschedule your activities because of their constraints. Insta-chasing behavior, granted only because the 'taker' is 'time-poor.'
This is also true for money, but that's somewhat solvable: the richer side sponsors the other side (if that's what they like to do). Say you have to choose between vacation option A ($$$) and option B ($). If they can only afford option B, but you want A, then you pay the difference. Problem: instant extra investment, chasing on your side. They 'won' by virtue of being poorer (a taker!). This is why I don't like to use money during dating. If that frame cements, be prepared to pay for everything, which is a silly way to run a relationship.
In extreme cases, the person who has a poorer lifestyle (example: having children) imposes their constraints on the other partner. Which is a big problem, as the 'richer lifesytle' partner loses a lot.
I know that because I have my children on the weekends, I can turn a 'taker' for anyone in a relationship with me without children and with a 'standard work week' lifestyle (eg having a job). For them, weekend days are sacred, they are the only times where they are absolutely free and when they don't have a boss that mandates where to be and what to do. That time is sacred. Thankfully, COVID made everyone more flexible time-wise working from home, and it's possible to go out for a nice activity in the middle of a working day as employees have gained more control over their schedules.
Hey LoF,
It seems to me you're missing one of the most important components of give and take:
The attitude.
Especially in intimate relationships, even if you take the extremes, it's still the attitude that often makes the biggest difference of them all:
- Sucker giver: You date and pick up the tabs with a pouty, demanding B. who takes everything for granted and maybe even complains, and even if you spend little, you're a sucker.
- Winning giver: You fly private around the world, 5-star hotels and suites but with a loving woman who thinks the world of you, who's grateful and kind, and cares about you... And you're winning at life.
Hey Lucio,
The way I read this post, it's not clear whether the attitude change needs to be on the side of the giver or the taker.
Read 1: "Give and don't keep score, you are doing it wrong." That is, change your attitude, embrace that you will give more/pay for everything/show some chasing behavior simply because the the taker cannot do the same. This is healthy as the only thing you can control is your attitude, not someone else's (other than cutting them out, or educating them into improving the problems that cause their restrictions -long shot-)
Read 2: "The taker's attitude is what matters here; if they take with a bad attitude, you are doing it wrong. If they 'think the world of you and are grateful, you are golden." That's a good reframe too, with the slight disadvantage that you don't have control over someone else's attitude.
Which one did you mean?
