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Insider Topics That Exclude You in Group Power Dynamics (Ostracization)
Hi everyone,
Background: 3 young male friend group
There are multiple case studies and they are similar just different environment (cafe,park,home etc.).
Guy 1: Remember what she said, yesterday? (starts a topic that Guy 3 will not understand and talks to Guy 2)
Guy 2: Yea hahaha (And topic can stay alive long time)
Guy 3: (Listens, but don't/can't say anything, sits passive)
Basically Guy 1 and 2 talks about a topic they lived in the past and don't try to give a word to "Guy 3". I feel "Guy 3" is getting disempowered.
Another case when walking,
Guy 2 and 1: (Walking side by side, making jokes about a topics "Guy 3" doesn't understand and laughing)
Guy 3: (Listens,walking behind them, 15-30 min)
Guess who is "Guy 3" :)
My Analysis:Â I think in both cases "Guy 3" is disempowered because Guy 1 and 2 frame the situation, "his opinion or his enjoy doesn't matter"
I have been in such situations multiple times, many times people even converse in a language I don’t understand.
In both cases the Guy 1 who brings up and continues on the topic which others do not understand is making a social error However if the Guy 2 would have been seen as more socially attuned if he had found a way to include Guy 3.
Ex:-
Guy 1 :- (Topic/experience which only Guy 2 can understand)
Guy 2 :- [Hey Guy 3, You should have been there when …..(explains the inside joke/topic)]
Guy 2 :- Have you had things like that happen to you?
Again most people aren’t very socially attuned to recognize this so it happens.
However always be vary of people who do this multiple times to get attention, they most certainly aren’t welcoming to you.
Hi JoyfulMan,
I struggled with this initially and sometimes it still trips me up, in new groups, This is a common scenario if the guy1 and guy2 have history, I'm not saying it's okay, but this is what usually happens when guy 3 is new to the group, or guy 3 doesn't spend much time with the other guys either individually or in a group.Usually if you spend enough time with Guy1 and Guy2Â you will find that you also will be part of the group, you will become in-group. Even after hanging out with them, and they still do it, maybe you should find a new group. Some specifics you can work on right now is,
1.Make specific comments or question about the topic they are talking about.
2. Listen until you find a opening and then pitch in.
3. In group conversations, try to make funny misinterpretations and funny assumptions to keep the vibe going.
Mav
Yes, I'm also very familiar with this dynamic, it's relatively common.
As Growfast says, it's also very common for foreigners/travelers/expats/foreign students.
It can be a social mistake as Maverick says.
And it can also be a power move.
How you handle it depends a lot on the people, the group, how well-liked and established you are, etc. etc.
However, you CAN intervene, for example:
What are you guys talking about, let me know what's that about, I'm curious
And then how you go after that depends on all on how they act.
Adding one more note on this:
If it's a power move it's an "ostracization power move".
It sub-communicates, expands, and cements that the target is not really part of the group.
Or, at the very least, not as close and not as "core" as the insiders.
P.S.:
Joyfulman, going to change the title to something more descriptive, and generally try to pick titles that summarize the main issue.
And adding another important note:
These dynamics tell you a lot about where you stand and who stands with you.
The originator of the ostracization power move may dislike you, not want you there, or set up a challenge to you/your status.
And the people who do not partake in the ostracization -or even contribute to breaking that game- may be eagles, or don't like those games, or your allies (or all of them).
I clearly remember as a kid when one guy was pulling this power move on me.
And the other guy he was trying to triangulate with just nodded, didn't say a single word, and mostly avoided eye contact with the power mover -a very adroit way of breaking the game, without totally breaking rapport with the power mover-.
Edit:
As a matter of fact, I never forgot that event, and it was very telling of both those people's personalities. Even now as adults, one is a great guy, and the other is a too-blatant dominant manipulator that most people dislike.
Of course back then I didn't have the skills to handle it very effectively, but I instinctively knew that one guy had some issues with me and was a potential enemy, and that the other guy was a cool guy, and potentially a good friend/ally (same power mover years later would hug me and celebrate me. You know one's a bitch turkey when he kicks down and kisses up).
