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Seeking sympathy and turning it into competition/negative comparison among friends
How would you approach it when someone looks to you for sympathy, but then uses that to one-up you as if they've had it harder/are more worthy (one-down comparison?)?
This article was very helpful. I've made some of those mistakes, which create unnecessary tension:
For example, a friend was stressed about how much work she had to do, I have so much to do today,
- I replied mmm it'll be nice to take a break on the weekend.
- She replies, I don't know, I'll have to be working all weekend too to finish all of this.
- And I agree that it sounds tough.
- But she seems slightly annoyed at me still and I ignore it.
Later when she is stressed again, I've got so much to do, I'm so stressed out:
- I reply that it sucks, I know what you mean, I have a lot to do today too.
- She replies, that yes, but really, she has more work in her program than in mine.
- I told her my program isn't less hard than hers and she disagrees a bit, so we agree to disagree then.
- Then she also insists, and we agree, that her field is much more cut-throat than mine and has more pressure to get the highest marks & have a good time sharing stories.
My thoughts are that it can be really interesting and useful to share differences when they're real (like she uses cornstarch in a gravy and I use flour, so I can ask her to teach me how to use the cornstarch), but I want to bring it away from being a competition among my friends, and not lower myself because of a difference. I think teenagers tend to compare the most because they're trying to differentiate themselves from their parents and peers, put up good boundaries, and appreciate what they could bring to the table as an individual. Making sense of the world and what they're taught, what hurts, what's good, what's true, what I want, what I have to offer, and all of that... Thinking of this in general, I got stuck in her competitive frame trying to think about the truth of it.
How would you address a negative comparison when someone is looking for sympathy?
Hi Rachel,
Yeah, that sounds quite jarring indeed.
It's like a big 2X social bait and switch where she is seeking to just take, without giving.
First, she asks for your sympathy and emotional support (bait).
And once you provide that, she turns the dynamics from "poor me, support me", to " of course I'm under stress, my course is so much harder than yours", which indirectly says that you took the easy road.
Really not cool.
Pesonally, I'd give her a couple of chances to rectify her behavior, and then I'd be looking to move on.
Or, at least, not having her in your close groups of friends -you can still say hi when you see her, be kind, but not keep her too close-.
How to handle it?
In this case, I might use a combination of agreeing first, slightly shaming her, and then going "meta" (such as, explaining what the social dynamics are, and see if she rectifies her own behavior).
For example:
Her: My program is more cut-throat, I'm under more pressure
With your original reply, you confronted her, which is what most people naturally do in these occasions (and it's not wrong per se). When she didn't backtrack, the interaction turned into a confrontational "mine is bigger than yours" dialogue.
Instead, here is another good option:
You:
1. I don't know about that, but who knows, it might even be you agree here in a smart way here, because you're also indirectly saying "you have no real knowledge to say that").
2. But I think that the main point here is not which maojr is harder (re-directing),
3. but that right now, we are turning this into a race (going meta).
4. I don't want to be in a race with you, Jane (slightly shame her),
5. I prefer to support each other (shows a better way. Will she take it? That's the test).
Leave it there, see how she reacts.
How she reacts will tell you a lot about her, and will help you decide what role you can give her in your life.
Thank you, I very much appreciate the input.
I think if I say it well, like how you put it, she'd understand. I think she'd want to get those social dynamics too and we're normally good friends. And always good to remember that I can remove myself too without conflict. Really interesting to think about avoiding a confrontation like this.
By the way, I wrote the teenager stuff to brainstorm out loud, hope it's not too offensive or weird. What I have to offer could be wrong. I just really like how you say to remember that things are more of an exchange, I think that gets taken for granted with all of the ideals of being selfless to anybody and everybody. I don't owe anything unless I agree on it.
I just thought about this now. I'm not sure if my friend was trying to bait me. I think she was craving a lot of sympathy and attention from me, and I didn't want to give that much because I wasn't comfortable with that. When I didn't give her what she wanted, she got mad and expressed it. She told me her parents kind of pushed her into the doctor route, which could be why she wanted more sympathy from me about it because she wasn't fully on board to do it herself. And then, it's okay for me to be angry that I feel uncomfortable, feel that feeling, and then express it a way I know how. Anger can help analytical thinking, ambition, and even optimism and understanding because it feels like more is possible.
