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Tasking/Ordering around/Rules Stickler

#1 · December 11, 2021, 2:45 pm

Guys,

My parents are real pains. But I am trying to figure out a few things in our current dynamics.

1 | What is this?

Just waking up, going in the kitchen for breakfast:
Mother: For drying your hands, it's not that one, it's this one
Mother: Please do not pick this bread
Mother: Do not take this crackers, take the other.
Mother: Do you want this? Do you want that? While I am in the middle of eating

I have a few ideas.
A. The Host.
Feel like my mother is in the "Host" role. So she is dominant and leading.

B. Is she:
1/ Ordering around?
2/ Tasking?
3/ Micro-managing?
4/ A rules stickler?
5/ OCD?

I first saw the whole thing as Tasking, but thinking about it, I tend to think she's micro-managing + Rule stickler.

Is there something about that in PU?

If I have to address this I would go:

1/ Draw boundaries:
Me: Mum, please, why are you micro-managing me at 8 in the morning, you know I hate that.
2/ Comply:
Me: Ok, well noted. I'll go on with my breakfast now.

Thoughts?

#2 · December 11, 2021, 3:08 pm

Quote from Mathieu on December 11, 2021, 2:45 pm
Guys,
My parents are real pains. But I am trying to figure out a few things in our current dynamics.
1 | What is this?
Just waking up, going in the kitchen for breakfast:
Mother: For drying your hands, it's not that one, it's this one
Mother: Please do not pick this bread
Mother: Do not take this crackers, take the other.
Mother: Do you want this? Do you want that? While I am in the middle of eating
I have a few ideas.
A. The Host.
Feel like my mother is in the "Host" role. So she is dominant and leading.
B. Is she:
1/ Ordering around?
2/ Tasking?
3/ Micro-managing?
4/ A rules stickler?
5/ OCD?
I first saw the whole thing as Tasking, but thinking about it, I tend to think she's micro-managing + Rule stickler.
Is there something about that in PU?
If I have to address this I would go:
1/ Draw boundaries:
Me: Mum, please, why are you micro-managing me at 8 in the morning, you know I hate that.
2/ Comply:
Me: Ok, well noted. I'll go on with my breakfast now.
Thoughts?

For the first 4 things said by your mother you can ask her why it's the case and come to a decision yourself.

The last one doesn't seem like tasking to me and you can tell her not to worry and you will have what you want as in.

Don't worry I will have what I want. Please have your food

It also requires a fairly good experience and self awareness to identify suble taskings, the skills required for which I am sharpening too.

Many people will be used to speaking in a tasking manner by autopilot and it will take a long time for them to change especially if they are older.

If you look up the Tasking section in PU you will have savvy strategies to reempower yourself.

As per your observation of your mother is she always speaking in a tasking manner with others too?

#3 · December 11, 2021, 3:23 pm

Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on December 11, 2021, 3:23 pm
Hey Mathieu,
Maybe it's all of them :).
I'm half-joking, but also a serious way of looking at it: what changes for you if she's a bit OCD or a stickler for the rules?
I wouldn't focus too much on labels but on behavior and what it means to you.
The categories in PU are there for rigor, to deliver the content well, and to help you internalize the concepts.
But once you generally understand the concept, you can let go of the label and focus on behavior and higher-level consequences.
So the high-level questions are:
Is she disempowering you? Well, yes BUT:
Does it come at a cost to you? It's generally better to have high status and power in as many areas of your life as possible as they tend to feed into each other. But maybe you can isolate this one thing, let her have control over the kitchen, and everyone's happier
Do you care about it? You don't need to care about everything people do or say. If you can live with it, move on and focus on what matters the most to you
Personally, I'd push back.
But you don't have to necessarily do the same.
For example:
Mother: Please do not pick this bread
You: why, what's wrong with this bread
Mother: it's stale, this other one is better
You: what if I like this bread independently of how fresh it is
Mother: it's not good for you, this one is fresh
You: what if I choose what's good for me and I still want this bread
(...)
That's just warm-up and preparing to ground.
You show that you're an individual, that you want to make your decisions, and that you don't want to be micro-managed / tasked / told what to do.
Plus, your questions show that you are "in the right", since most people would agree that it's up to you to eat whatever you want.
Keep on going until you end up with something like this:
You: look, I don't come to tell you what bread you should pick, do I? And I don't do that because what bread you have is your choice. So let's do this: you choose whatever you want, and I choose whatever I want
You don't need to be perfect, you just need to send out the message that you're not to be micro-managed and told what to do -at least in the decisions that do not affect her. Which towel to use does affect her because maybe you're using the towel for the dishes or something like that-.
This is just one approach among many.
You can use many different techniques in PU and they can all reach great results if you deliver them well.
Makes sense?

Hey Mathieu,

Maybe it's all of them :).

I'm half-joking, but also a serious way of looking at it: what changes for you if she's a bit OCD or a stickler for the rules?

I wouldn't focus too much on labels but on behavior and what it means to you.

The categories in PU are there for rigor, to deliver the content well, and to help you internalize the concepts.

But once you generally understand the concept, you can let go of the label and focus on behavior and higher-level consequences.

So the high-level questions are:

Is she disempowering you? Well, yes BUT:
Does it come at a cost to you? It's generally better to have high status and power in as many areas of your life as possible as they tend to feed into each other. But maybe you can isolate this one thing, let her have control over the kitchen, and everyone's happier
Do you care about it? You don't need to care about everything people do or say. If you can live with it, move on and focus on what matters the most to you

Personally, I'd push back.
But you don't have to necessarily do the same.

For example:

Mother: Please do not pick this bread
You: why, what's wrong with this bread
Mother: it's stale, this other one is better
You: what if I like this bread independently of how fresh it is
Mother: it's not good for you, this one is fresh
You: what if I choose what's good for me and I still want this bread
(...)

That's just warm-up and preparing to ground.

You show that you're an individual, that you want to make your decisions, and that you don't want to be micro-managed / tasked / told what to do.

Plus, your questions show that you are "in the right", since most people would agree that it's up to you to eat whatever you want.

Keep on going until you end up with something like this:

You: look, I don't come to tell you what bread you should pick, do I? And I don't do that because what bread you have is your choice. So let's do this: you choose whatever you want, and I choose whatever I want

You don't need to be perfect, you just need to send out the message that you're not to be micro-managed and told what to do -at least in the decisions that do not affect her. Which towel to use does affect her because maybe you're using the towel for the dishes or something like that-.

This is just one approach among many.
You can use many different techniques in PU and they can all reach great results if you deliver them well.

Makes sense?

Community, new content and Confidence University now available here.

#4 · December 11, 2021, 5:05 pm

This reminds me of a book:
Making Friends: A Guide to Getting Along with People by Andrew Matthews

It's a very old book that came out in 1990.
I remember reading it when I was very young like 10.

There were 2 techniques that I remembered from there for assertiveness:

Broken Record
Question Ladder

It recommended the broken record technique against salespeople.
And question ladder for friends and family.

So I survived on the question ladder for a while.
And I have to say it's really effective.

I should read the book again now as an adult.

I think when you are young, it's a bit tricky.
Because the bread and the house could be the "property" of your mother or father.
I am on the same page as Lucio that one should push back a bit so that you have freedom over your own preferences around the house.

#5 · December 11, 2021, 5:07 pm

I'm half-joking, but also a serious way of looking at it: what changes for you if she's a bit OCD or a stickler for the rules?

It tells me how I should respond.

I wouldn't focus too much on labels but on behavior and what it means to you.

In general, the meaning is more a feeling that I am being talked in a way I dislike. So with PU, I try to label the behavior.

Do you care about it? You don't need to care about everything people do or say. If you can live with it, move on and focus on what matters the most to you

The BIG question: How do I know when my status is attacked?
Do you consider EGO and STATUS the same?

You don't need to be perfect, you just need to send out the message that you're not to be micro-managed and told what to do

Thank you for this feedback. It's incredibly helpful.

#6 · December 11, 2021, 5:27 pm

Quote from Matthew Whitewood on December 11, 2021, 5:27 pm
Do you care about it? You don't need to care about everything people do or say. If you can live with it, move on and focus on what matters the most to you
The BIG question: How do I know when my status is attacked?
Do you consider EGO and STATUS the same?
Ego is your sense of self.
So ego is more internal.
Are you able to feel good about yourself by not caring so much about this area of your life?
Status is how much people respect you in general.
So status is more external.
Will your mother respect your personal preferences in general if you let this incident go?
It would be best to decouple ego from status.
Although it's natural to feel good about getting respect and status.
If you view yourself as someone who does his best to stand up for his preferences and fair treatment in general,
(note the bold is important because sometimes you stand up for yourself and fail; I do as well)
then I would say it's important to assert yourself against your mother.
On the other hand, if your goal right now is to focus on education or business, you may view yourself as someone who does his best in your studies or business. Then, it could matter less in what happens in the household.
And the great thing about this is that you are free to change this over time.
One day you want to focus on your relationship with your mother.
The next day you want to focus on your education.
Then your business.
The world is your oyster in this respect.
That's ego (sense of self).
Let's discuss briefly about status.
How do I know when my status is attacked?
Your status is attacked whenever you feel people respect you less over a remark or incident.
The question becomes how important your status in this environment is.
Does your status here impact your ability to achieve your goals?
If you are a leader, status is very important.
As Lucio advised, status is generally an important indicator as
A metric for how you behave around people in general: are you being assertive in general? Or submissive?
Are you choosing the right kind of people around you?
So maybe you can let your mother have more control over the kitchen but get her to respect and even support your preferences where it truly matters like
Education
Profession
Life partners
Interests
Then, the kitchen stuff is less important.
But your general demeanour is important in getting respected.
Also, if your mother is a homemaker, she may view the kitchen as her domain as well.
This could be the reason why she acts more strongly in that area.
This is why the question ladder is useful.
You indirectly state your preferences while giving her the opportunity to voice hers.
The implicit assumption here is that status is a means to an end.
Some people view status as the end goal.

Do you care about it? You don't need to care about everything people do or say. If you can live with it, move on and focus on what matters the most to you
The BIG question: How do I know when my status is attacked?
Do you consider EGO and STATUS the same?

Ego is your sense of self.
So ego is more internal.
Are you able to feel good about yourself by not caring so much about this area of your life?

Status is how much people respect you in general.
So status is more external.
Will your mother respect your personal preferences in general if you let this incident go?

It would be best to decouple ego from status.
Although it's natural to feel good about getting respect and status.

If you view yourself as someone who does his best to stand up for his preferences and fair treatment in general,
(note the bold is important because sometimes you stand up for yourself and fail; I do as well)
then I would say it's important to assert yourself against your mother.

On the other hand, if your goal right now is to focus on education or business, you may view yourself as someone who does his best in your studies or business. Then, it could matter less in what happens in the household.

And the great thing about this is that you are free to change this over time.
One day you want to focus on your relationship with your mother.
The next day you want to focus on your education.
Then your business.
The world is your oyster in this respect.

That's ego (sense of self).
Let's discuss briefly about status.

How do I know when my status is attacked?

Your status is attacked whenever you feel people respect you less over a remark or incident.

The question becomes how important your status in this environment is.
Does your status here impact your ability to achieve your goals?
If you are a leader, status is very important.

As Lucio advised, status is generally an important indicator as

A metric for how you behave around people in general: are you being assertive in general? Or submissive?
Are you choosing the right kind of people around you?

So maybe you can let your mother have more control over the kitchen but get her to respect and even support your preferences where it truly matters like

Education
Profession
Life partners
Interests

Then, the kitchen stuff is less important.
But your general demeanour is important in getting respected.

Also, if your mother is a homemaker, she may view the kitchen as her domain as well.
This could be the reason why she acts more strongly in that area.

This is why the question ladder is useful.
You indirectly state your preferences while giving her the opportunity to voice hers.

The implicit assumption here is that status is a means to an end.
Some people view status as the end goal.

Lucio Buffalmano and Mathieu have reacted to this post.

#7 · December 12, 2021, 4:11 am

Great post from Matthew, not much to add to it.

The whole PU also helps you grow the "feel" as to when you're being disempowered, which you seem to be developing.

Matthew Whitewood has reacted to this post.

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#8 · December 12, 2021, 1:04 pm

Hi Guys,
Thanks a lot for the feedback.

1.Your status is attacked whenever you feel people respect you less over a remark or incident.
2.status is generally an important indicator as
A metric for how you behave around people in general: are you being assertive in general? Or submissive?
Are you choosing the right kind of people around you?

I don't really understand those 2 points.

How do you know when your status is attacked? How to protect it? How to build it? Increase it?

Is there somewhere in PU where we address this topic?

#9 · December 12, 2021, 1:36 pm

Quote from Mathieu on December 12, 2021, 1:04 pm
How do you know when your status is attacked? How to protect it? How to build it? Increase it?
Is there somewhere in PU where we address this topic?

That's basically what the whole PU does.

All the mindsets, strategies, techniques, and recommended best behaviors are for that: protecting and increasing your power/status -and generally making you more successful with people and in life-.

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#10 · December 12, 2021, 3:17 pm

How do you know when your status is attacked? How to protect it? How to build it? Increase it?

As Lucio advised, it will take a whole course to explain all the nuances. Power University in this case.

Maybe status is an abstract term.

You want your mother to care about your personal preferences. For that to happen, you need to influence her.

Or even better, to have a relationship where she takes into account your preferences willingly and happily.

People don't care about your personal preferences for many reasons: self-interest, lack of empathy, etc.

Sometimes it's not even "personal". They are not you so they don't know or see your viewpoint.

By using the question ladder, you show that you care about her preferences and you want her to care about yours. This nudges the interaction towards mutual caring for each other. It's a cornerstone for healthy relationships.

Maybe let's see how the conversations go with your mother first?

Lucio Buffalmano has reacted to this post.