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Telling the truth

Hello everybody,

I have a question that puzzles me.

My story so far. I ve been dating this girl for more than 2 years now. We started off being „very open“. That means that i had girlfriend and she had boyfriend when we first started. There was some crazy attraction going on between the two of us (and still is). But then i left my girlfriend and she left her boyfriend. But this guy did not let her go so easy. He tried to win her back really hard. And she felt really guilty. So she did not want to go forward with me. She did not want to tell him, that there is someone new. We were not able to see each other when we wanted cause she lived with him and did not want „to lose her Home“. So i pulled back. Cause i did not want to accept that. We started as an affair and we were not able to go forward (mainly because of her „issues“). Thats how i saw it at that time. But this made her crazy. She said to me, that i make her feel like some Sex Bunny. And that was not what she wanted (but she still did not tell her Ex what was going on). This led to an on and off thing. She  ended our „relationship“ several times fore more or less no reason. But she always came back. And i let her. But then after the fifth time or so i ve had enough. And we were off for 3 months. After that she really tried to get me back. And finally i gave in. From then on things were going well. But when we were off for 3 months i dated other women. And i slept with 2 of them. Via mutual friends she knows that i was on Tinder at that time. And now she is pushing really hard. She wants to know everything that i did. She wants to know if there were other girls. If i dated someone, kissed someone, slept with someone … etc. I answer with: i dont Date other girls since we are on again. But that does not satisfy her. And it causes trouble. Big trouble.

So what do i do? Tell her the truth? I mean we were off. So i did nothing wrong actually. But i know her. This would be a real big problem for her!

Or is better to stay with „i dont date girls since were on again“. Basically we were off. So she has no right to ask. But then this will never ever end!

Lie to her? According to Schopenhauer you have right to lie as an act of self Defense if someone ask you questions like that. But that does not feel right for me.

Leave her? Because she is to complicated ? But we are talking about a 10 (when it comes to looks).

Any advice is much appreciated. Because i hate this situation. It goes so far, that i feel guilty. I feel like a cheater. Even though that is not the case.

Thank you!

I’m sorry to hear your situation. To me it sounds like there are so many red flags regarding your girlfriend that the answer to your question is of minimal importance IMO but I will give you my answer anyway. Firstly though, the red flags:

- You were dating (and presumably engaging in sexual activity but even if not it’s still “emotional” cheating) while she had a bf. If she did that to someone else for you, it makes the likelihood of her doing that to you for someone else substantially higher (regardless of her other actions and words). You also had a gf while you were dating, so while you’re right deny being a cheater with your current (on/off) gf, you are still a cheater.

- Her hot and cold/mixed signals behaviour is a big red flag, especially the fact that you’ve been on and off so much and she only seems to be seriously interested/put in effort when you pull away and demonstrate that you have other options.

- Some jealously and insecurity regarding what you did while not together may be somewhat reasonable but she clearly demonstrates an extreme unhealthy level of this so that’s another big red flag.

I recommend you do your own research into why the above are all red flags and why it’s important to be very wary of someone who demonstrates them.

The bottom line is that your relationship does not sound healthy and I think it is very likely doomed in long term. I strongly recommend you don’t bother putting any more effort into it. Perhaps you may want to keep her around for her looks/sex but you should spend minimal time and effort on it, most of your time and energy should be spent on other aspects of your life, including even looking for a better gf. Yes, she’s a 10 and they’re hard to come by (if they’re not for you for then that’s even less reason to be with her) but a long term relationship with her will not be worth the hassle and the stress especially since it’s likely to fall apart at some point. You already feel like a cheater when you shouldn’t and I’m sure you’ve had many other negative feelings while with her too, these will only get worse over time. I recommend you find a higher quality woman, even if that means sacrificing some looks, the overall benefit to your life and wellbeing will be worth it.

However if you still really want to stick with her and do see a long term future for yourselves then it’s essential that you both get some couples therapy to work through your issues otherwise they will get the better of you.

As for the answer to your question, I strongly recommend you don’t lie. You can just keep avoiding the question but I personally recommend you tell the truth. If your relationship can’t withstand the truth, then it’s a very weak and unstable relationship and it’s best to find that out sooner rather than later, especially since you’ll inevitably face bigger challenges in the future.

Lucio Buffalmano, Matthew Whitewood and Transitioned have reacted to this post.
Lucio BuffalmanoMatthew WhitewoodTransitioned

Thank you for your open words. I have to say that i basically do agree with pretty much everything you said.

But let me ask you one more question. You wrote:

„Some jealously and insecurity regarding what you did while not together may be somewhat reasonable but she clearly demonstrates an extreme unhealthy level of this so that’s another big red flag.“

Can you go a bit into detail about that!? I am not new to Dating etc. And i have had women before, that told me, that they no longer want to have a sexual relationship. They wanted us to be just friends. The only move you can make from there is (imho) to say that you are not interested in this kind of thing. And that she can call you if she changes her mind. This (almost) always worked out well. But this girl is different. She is almost obsessed with what happened during the off time. What is her motivation? What is driving her? I ve never seen that before … ?

Hey Martinelli,

You already got a good message from 99 problems.

One question I'd ask first is:

Is she still in a relationship with her "official" boyfriend?

Her demands for faithfulness have no ground to stand on if you were not together.
But they become a much bigger red flag if she's still actually with her BF.

A few notes on the fly:

  • She has no right to "demand" faithfulness: you were not together (and she might still be in a relationship)
  • Ingrain the above in your head: you need to internalize the above, and believe it
  • She's in debt with you: you two planned of getting together, but ultimately she stayed with her boyfriend? That puts her in big debt to you. You musk ask for value back, not only because it's fair, but also because otherwise you lose lots of power/attraction
  • She has no right to expect answers to her questions: she can ask, but whether you want to answer or not, is up to you
  • If you want to answer, tell the truth, but remain vague: denying you've been with other women is not only a lie that you don't need to say, but that might also make you less attractive actually. However, if you go this road, avoid details. Some women are turned on by jealousy, but too many details sour everything

Denying just to appease her does nothing good for you.
Not for attraction, not for self-esteem, not for power dynamics (she's controlling you without you even being together? That's puppet on a string behavior).

Matthew Whitewood, Transitioned and Martinelli have reacted to this post.
Matthew WhitewoodTransitionedMartinelli
Have you read the forum guidelines for effective communication already?

Lucio and 99 Problems have already given the main points.
So just adding my thoughts.

Any advice is much appreciated. Because i hate this situation. It goes so far, that i feel guilty. I feel like a cheater. Even though that is not the case.

She is controlling and makes you feel guilty when you shouldn't as 99 Problems advised.
This is a sign of an abusive woman.

There was some crazy attraction going on between the two of us (and still is). But then i left my girlfriend and she left her boyfriend.

Did she engage in love bombing?
This could be another sign of an abusive woman.
Maybe that's what sparked your crazy attraction towards her.

Cause i did not want to accept that.

She wasn't being honest so you drew a boundary.
However, she employed guilt-tripping on you as I have seen by your description below:

We started as an affair and we were not able to go forward (mainly because of her „issues“). Thats how i saw it at that time. But this made her crazy. She said to me, that i make her feel like some Sex Bunny. And that was not what she wanted (but she still did not tell her Ex what was going on).

Drama and guilt-tripping to get your attention and to please her.

Do you happen to have an anxious attachment style?
From the linked article,

The attachment system is a natural, inborn mechanism to track the availability of our attachment figures (that would be: mothers for children and romantic partner in adults).

That means that any slight changes in the availability of the attachment figure -mother or boyfriend- makes the anxious type feel threatened.
And she will not calm down until she gets close to his partner again or until the partner confirms his availability.

Transitioned has reacted to this post.
Transitioned

It would be interesting to know your age and hers.  Expect a young 10 to be unstable, demanding and full of drama.  These girls are at at their peak power.  Some men will not only give these girls attention but also cars, houses and cushy jobs.  The guys told you true.  Don't be that guy.  Be the nonchalant rock is often amused by but above her games and sometimes be bored and withdraw attention.  And definitely start dating other girls.  You are trying to catch a marlin with 10 kg rated line.  Don't build your world around that slim chance

Lucio Buffalmano has reacted to this post.
Lucio Buffalmano

That's a great point from Kevin / Transitioned: beauty can become an important factor in personality and power dynamics.

It's very possible indeed that she's used to easily get what she wanted and has grown overly entitled.

Matthew Whitewood has reacted to this post.
Matthew Whitewood
Have you read the forum guidelines for effective communication already?
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